The Relief

What I feel these days is an enormous relief!

I think back in May I had a shift. I didn’t quite understand what had happened, and I still don’t have clear words to describe it. I saw that life is perfect, it has always been perfect, mysterious, wondrous, quirky. The only problem with life is that I had thought there was a problem with life. And this bit of off-centeredness has been with me since I was a baby.

With this recognition I understood. I understood why everything I have learned and known and believed and rejected and felt and said and thought–everything–is uncertain. I understood why spirituality, in the broadest possible sense, does not work, and hasn’t worked for five thousand years. I understood why this has nothing to do with any kind of practice. I understood why this has nothing to do with any kind of becoming.

This was a pretty big for me. The realization itself is not big. It’s not a secret; it’s all over the spiritual landscape; many have said this before. What was striking was the exclusivity of this, that this, and nothing else but this, is the only problem.

And with this little realization, I released the last five years of searching, isolation, anxiety, depression, insomnia…

The best way I have of describing this right now is that resistance is going away. I’m letting it be, giving it some patience and time.

And I’m utterly delighted with myself! My mind is so taken with itself right now that all it wants to do is play these thread of delighted thoughts over and over again. I let it play, hehe.

And I’m also angry. I’m angry at the entire world of spirituality and spiritualized personalities which stand between humanity and freedom. I realize the anger is misplaced; I’m really just angry at myself for spending five unpleasant years on a search which in the end turned out to be so simple.

I’m angry and delighted, and I also know that I can’t trust any conclusion I come to right now. So what you’re reading here comes with a warning label.

I’ve been an aspirant for five years, starting with a reading of Eckhart Tolle. I’m thankful to Tolle because he showed me that that there is another possibility. But I recognized that he couldn’t really help much further than that.

My goal was modest. I just wanted a happy life, here on earth, the same life I had, but free and easy, because I knew now that was possible. I didn’t want to be spiritual or mystical or knowledgeable.

And I recognized the irony of taking on this venture. I wanted to be free and easy, but what I was getting into was anything but free and easy.

I read a lot of stuff.

I got only two practical techniques out of the whole five-year unpleasant endeavor. Two techniques, one is observing (thought), and other is releasing, and really both of these are techniques of observance.

I also came to believe that it takes honesty and willingness. Honesty and willingness are important if you are, like I was, trying to find truth in the spiritual morass. But even honesty and willingness are just mental processes, and not necessary for the seeing.

As I dove into this mess, I got worse not better.

I didn’t choose to figure this out.  I didn’t choose to spend five years simplifying my life and isolating myself and abandoning conventional goals and trying various experiments, trying and failing. I didn’t choose. I was driven to it.

The worst time was probably late last year. I was depressed and in denial. I made myself sick. Literally. Last year I had really bad news at the doctor’s. High cholesterol, onset of diabetes, high weight, high blood pressure, and so on.

I think we get worse with a spiritual quest because we nudge ourselves to keep going. The nudging is often very unpleasant.

What I had learned kept me going. I had some relative peace, some psychological comfort.

This was good. But this was not freedom.

And on a morning walk one day it hit me: the only problem there is is the belief that there is a problem. The feeling that there is something wrong is the only thing that has ever been wrong.

The relief is enormous. I had not realized what a heavy burden the search had been in the last five years.

I just had a physical a couple of months after this realization and there is no sign of any problems. No anxiety, no depression, no insomnia, not even diabetes!

I have enough humility now to know that the clarity and lightness I am feeling may or may not be permanent. But I think the basic insight is permanent. Life is perfect, life is love; the only thing which is wrong is this feeling that something is wrong, and this feeling becomes the foundation of everything we experience.

It’s my pet hypothesis that once this realization happens–the realization that the only thing there ever was wrong was this sense of unrightness that we carry with us–when that realization hits, it’s inevitable that the fear and the sense that there is something wrong will go away and the healing will begin. It doesn’t matter what we do or don’t do–the solution is very recognition of the basic problem. I’m not sure about this; it’s only an hypothesis, and it’s one I can’t really test.

I’m also convinced that the looking which John Sherman suggests does away with this fear and closes the wound in which we feel that something is wrong.

In any event, this relief of giving up the quest is a wonderful thing, and I’m really enjoying it!

46 thoughts on “The Relief

  1. Another Way

    “The Relief” is a relief to read. What you have described is remarkably similar to the experience I have had during the last few months. After following various paths and practices over the last two decades or so, I walked away from all of them, and with the exception of occasional re-occurrences of existential anxiety, I’m also feeling much lighter, almost liberated. I know when the change began, back in February. But it really became apparent one night a few months ago while listening to a radio broadcast by Adyashanti. If anyone has resonated with me in the last few years, it’s him. His insights have guided me through some difficult times. Yet, as I was listening to him that night, it sounded as if he was speaking in a foreign tongue. His ideas just bounced off my suddenly thick skull. I could not comprehend anything he was saying. I took that as a sign that it was time to move on. I’ve now got a girlfriend who is an avowed atheist, the complete opposite of the woman I had conducted the sham of a “spiritual” relationship with for seven years previously. Though it seems very little has changed on the surface, I’m enjoying my post-spiritual life immensely, and looking forward to not looking forward to anything.

    1. El.Mo

      This is beautiful and I resonate with it a lot! There seems to be only so much you can read,only so many techniques you can implement before it just becomes another matrix, like the one we all so called woke up from. There seems to be only so many ways that we can be pointed to the same direction (which is back to ourselves). I too started to feel as though I was stuffing my bag with all these ideas of enlightenment and “the Self”, I now realize that all these words and pointers were not meant to be held on to but used for the moment and discarded once we realized what it pointed to. I also have dealt with anxiety, I have watched this phenomena and seeing how it plays out lessens its grip, I no longer give it energy. In regards to your new spouse, it is amazing how opposites attract, my beau is the same as your spouse and I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂

    2. Kaushik Post author

      Yeah, I had a similar experience with Adyashanti. At various times in the last five years, his words did bring me some comfort. Around May I had ordered his latest book. By the time it came I had already felt the relief, and I haven’t read it, haven’t even read the flaps. I’ll trade it in for science fiction book at the used book store, hehe.

      I want to emphasize though that this is not a rejection of spirituality. It just turns out that spirituality has nothing to do with solving the root problem of the human condition.

      Thanks for your comment.

      k

  2. gwaine

    I can relate to what you’ve gone through and know what you’re saying to be true, but my struggle is that I’m like an awakened soul with a bad case of narcolepsy. Deep truths rock my world but are quickly forgotten when I’m cut off in traffic or my child has a temper tantrum.

    I feel a lightness reading your words. You’re pulling back the curtain and revealing the real world but in my gut I feel the lightness won’t last for me and the curtain will drop again.

    These days I try to accept it and savor the awareness while it lasts.

    So thank you for this round of happiness! I’ll take what I can get! 🙂

  3. Gurumurthy Swaminathan

    I am regular follower of your blog. I have been walking the spiritual path trying to understand enlightenment and apply it to the regular life. But the books are useful only to certain extent. It always look like they do not come directly to the point but just beat around the bush. I am not sure if I am not ready to digest or there really is nothing there to digest. Can you explain a little bit more about the clarity that you got? It would help me in my quest.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Sri Gurumurthy,

      The basic problem is very simple. If life is confusing, depressing, sad, or fearful, it’s only because of a basic fear. As far as I can see, we can’t directly see the fear but we can see the first effect of the fear, which is a sense of alienation. We feel separate from our own lives, we create a belief that life is something to control and defend and fear and understand and fix. We’ve always had this belief, and so it affects all our subsequent thoughts and beliefs and emotions. This is an injury, a wound, an affliction–an affliction in the mind.

      Life is perfect. The only problem is that we think, and we have always thought, there is a problem.

      For me, this recognition was enough to close the wound. And the healing began.

      But if the does not make sense to you, John Sherman gives a good technique to close the wound. The looking he suggests works. What he suggests is what Ramana Maharshi and Nisagadutt suggested; but he is much clearer and uses ordinary English to convey this.

      I hope this helps.

      k

      1. El.Mo

        I relate to what you mention K. I used to live behind a screen of judgement, doubt and fear. It was so engrained in my psyche that I could not even fathom living life without these things, until recently I didn’t even notice them because they had become so familiar, I thought they were my natural state. Which led me to believe I was indeed wretched and unworthy. The underlying theme was a fear of life, because life had proven to be unpredictable, perceiving through such negativity I was able to expect the worst outcome every time, this gave me some sort of delusion sense of control.

      2. Gurumurthy Swaminathan

        Thanks for your reply. I understand that we really need not have fear about life. However, I am unable to understand how we can not plan for life. For e.g., I have certain responsibilities towards others and towards me. I need to make sure that I travel on the right path so that I can deliver these responsibilities. But for many cases, it is not clear what the right path is to our mind and that causes confusion, fear and doubt. I came to realize that the key to be happy in life is to know what the right path is. However, I am not sure if there is a way to know the right path. For e.g., does enlightened beings always know that is right and what needs to be done?

        1. Kaushik Post author

          You can certainly plan for the future. There is nothing at all wrong with that.

          What’s the right path?

          There isn’t one.

          We start our lives with a confusion. We think there is a problem with life from the very beginning of life. We believe we need to defend, figure out, protect ourselves from our own lives. This bit of off-centeredness drives everything we do, think, feel, and believe. This assumption becomes the fundamental, unobserved, limiting viewpoint from which we conduct all our experiences and beliefs and thoughts and emotions. At some point in our lives, we get tired of this confusion. And so we embark on a search for the right path. We want to figure it out, we want spiritual wisdom, we want spiritual practices, we want be rid of the the confusion.

          But all of this is just effects of the original problem. The original problem is that from fear we separate ourselves from our own lives from the very beginning. And everything else is a subsequent effect. Everything–all the confusion, all the questions, and even all that we do to try to fix the confusion, all of our spiritual wisdom, all of our spiritual practices–all of it is a subsequent effect of the original problem, so nothing we learn or do or feel can solve the original problem.

          To solve the original problem, you can recognize that this, and only this, is the problem, and everything else you think is a problem is only an effect of the original problem.

          In my case, I had the recognition of the original problem. With this recognition, I did the looking that John Sherman suggests, and it is working for me. It will work for you too. I don’t see how it cannot work.

        2. jason

          thanks for your question about “knowing the right path” in a situation. here is my experience…

          with the enlightenment thing (which is your natural state, not some exotic state that you have to find), harmony and disharmony simply become apparent and obvious. and then you can choose one of the various harmonious paths that might be present in that situation (which sometimes is non-action, which is an invisible choice).

          enlightenment seems to connect you to this flow state in which the harmonious choices are always and effortlessly made… and the universe seems to give you feedback as to how this is going, so that you can get the hang of it and adjust your game.

          -j

  4. Nitin

    Good day Kaushikbhai,

    What a wonderful feeling even by reading it. You are expressing lots of people mind and life. No wonder its said in Geeta that, we have no control over any thing, just let it be and be part of it as a actor doing the show. But your 5 years did not wasted, you have achieved the simple way to live life by finding the root course which will help lots of struggle readers.
    To live way life come to your face is the ART and courage, all these GOAL oriented and GO get achiever are finally feel empty anyway.
    We much agreed with your sentence
    “I’m angry and delighted, and I also know that I can’t trust any conclusion I come to right now. So what you’re reading here comes with a warning label.”
    It means, NO answer or conclusion is the final answer, DO NOT look for any conclusion is the Conclusion of life.
    My goal is to enjoy life without hurting others, but problem is the society, you can not enjoy the freedom due to the society rules and all of the society members know that this is right way but all of us fear to go against. ONLY few did it.
    At the same time I struggling in my life finding the employment and trying use these reading/sense to be patience and trust in yourself.
    Life is good, its we are the problem, we don’t know how to live or society does let you.

    Thank you and as always enjoying.

    Cheers.
    Nitin

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Thanks, Nitin. I hope you are doing well. I understand about unemployment. I was unemployed for an extended time and at that time I did not have the understanding I do now, and it felt like a difficult, insecure time.

      Do the looking. It works.

      Take care, and always good to hear from you.

      k

  5. Philip

    Kaushik,

    Very nice post. I could congratulate you but who would receive that ? As you say life is as it is until thought comments on it and creates a problem for a ‘me’ but in the seeing even that is ok, its just what thought does. Everything is allowed, so to speak even though there is no one doing the allowing.

    Cheers
    Philip

  6. Chris

    I stumbled upon your blog when looking for information on compulsive thinking. Much of what you say here seems so specifically geared to what I go through on a daily basis. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life and I noticed that often times it’s triggered from a sense that things are changing or some other event that throws me of balance. When this happens, I go into an intensive battle with analyzing everything and there is this general belief that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. This propels the incessant thinking and analyzing. I can analyze the same thing for hours and hours and it makes me miserable and I feel intense negativity and depression. The concept of accepting that nothing is wrong and life is perfect as is is very enlightening. Often times I think we try so hard to find answers that we make ourselves miserable. I know I won’t be great at it but keeping your words in the back of my mind will definitely be helpful. Thank you!

    1. El.Mo

      Your post resonates… In addition to the compulsive thinking, it’s as thought the mind concocts the worst possible conclusion or out come of a situation and then torments us with it’s irrational notions!!!!!!!

    2. Philip

      Yes thought says ‘this is not right, this should not be happening’. I found that acceptance of what ‘is’ is not a choice or a decision but a seeing that what is cannot be argued against.

      1. Kaushik Post author

        Allowing, yes. There is wisdom in it, and it can bring about some psychological comfort.

        We can look at why we are compelled to practice and understand and recognize allowing in the first place. What is, is already is, so what is it about us that compels us to try to see that what is cannot be argued against?

        The thing that is between us and allowing is resistance. In the absence of resistance, there is only allowing, not the learning or practice or understanding of allowing, but just allowing.

        Why is there resistance? Because of a basic fear which has always been with us. The first effect of this fear is an alienation from our own lives. And we don’t like the effects of this alienation and so we are compelled to seek solutions.

        Until this original problem is addressed, there will be resistance, and as long as there is resistance, we will be compelled to try to allow.

      2. Janice

        Hi Philip,
        I have a question…. when you say “I found that acceptance of what “is” is not a choice or a decion but a seeing that what is cannot be argued against”. Can you elaborate?, Please. If you say what “is”, is and cannot be manipulated. then I want to say “how does a person understand what “is”?

        Also, Mr. K.,
        Whether you feel some anger about the journey of your last five years, I get that. However, I do not believe that your last five years was all about you. I believe your last five years was for all of us. Look at how much we have grown through you and your trials and joys.
        Love,
        Janice

        1. Philip

          Hi Janice,

          Yes good point. What I am saying I suppose is that the mind or thought is convinced that there is an entity (me) with a free choice in control, so what better way to get on in the world but to decide to accept what is and forgive others. The only problem is that thought is too late what appears has already been accepted otherwise it would not be but thought comes in post event and takes the credit claims ownership. So acceptance really is just seeing through the illusion of thought to what is already, no matter what the mind says about it or how it judges what is. This is the cause of all huamns suffering resistence to what is.

          1. Janice

            Thank you, Philip. I would say my primary problem these days is that I keep chasing this wonderful experince I had months and months ago. I want a re-enactment of that “gimpse”, it was totally amazing. So accepting this moment exactly the way that it is with no resistance, sounds very alluring.

            Also, with the suggestion from Mr. K. I have been practicing the “looking inward” technique and it helps in the fact that I do not constantly chase the “glimpse”.

            Janice

            1. Philip

              Yes I know what you mean Janice. In the end an experience is an experience profound or not it comes and goes.Once it is seen that you are abiding freedom itself then it is realised that experiences are fine, some seem good and some are judged as bad by thought, but thats what thought does, bless it, it’s still all life in freefall, an inexplicable event in the timeless moment. Relax back into what is and enjoy the ride.

              1. Janice

                One more question or comment please. I would like your (Philip) and Mr. K’s understanding or explanation about something that really bothers me. When people say or imply that “all is fine” I cannot take that information into “myself”. There was been a horrific event here in my local area, where a child was murdered. Injustice breaks my heart.
                Mr. K & Philip, my question is do you have judgemental or negative feelings toward people who commit such levels of violence?
                I don’t know that I can ever get to such an understanding of life that I can say “all is the way it is”or some such comment, when I do not understand things like this. I am very curious of how you look at situations like this.
                Janice

                1. Kaushik Post author

                  Janice,

                  Acceptance is not something you have to do. It’s something that just happens when resistance falls away. You don’t have to force yourself to be non-reactive.

                  When something horrible happens, I may say that’s just the way it is. And there is no resistance to that. Or I may react with anger. And there is no resistance to that. Or I may have a judgmental thought. There is no resistance to that. I may be compelled to do something about it. There is no resistance to that.

                  k

                  1. Janice

                    Mr. K.,
                    Thank you for your answer, it felt very sensitive to me. I think the main element in horrible events or situations is that it is so difficult for me to say “I don’t understand why things like this happen”, I want to be able to label it, put the situation in a category. When I can label something it makes me feel more in control or safer. Does that make sense? to simply say “I have no idea why things happen the way they do” gives me a sensation of detachment, I am not so sure I am comfortable with that.
                    So, thank you again. I really appreciate how forthcoming you are on your personal path. Listening (with our ears & hearts) can help us to stretch our minds to new places.
                    Janice

  7. Jeffrey Lapointe

    I love what you say. Your words are not my words but I feel the connection. I am happy to be a part of journey.

    Love.
    J

  8. Mikkel

    Hi Kaushik,

    It always surprises me, when you write a new article, and I keep wonder how much material that can be expected to come from you. Clearly there is something to be said on the inherent interest of ego. There is the preferred and the undesirable.

    What you do is amazing. You attempt to reduce all spirituality and personal development to the very essensial techniques. In my kind of work, reducing is absolutely crusial, when development is considered important. Only very few individuals understands this, if you look at our western education system, and given how hard it can be to filter information in this age of misinformation and Machiavillistic culture.

    My latest experiences are also centered upon a relief, quite unexpectedly. When I suddently left my previous state of mind on the 27th of June this year after having spent half a year getting into a solid awareness of it, I was left with persistent awareness of my emotional radicals, and the only real difference was my perception of it. I felt as depressed as I had ever been, but I didnt care about it anymore. Afterwards I spent 2 months gradually building up the activity of my new life. In the beginning it took me hours to do the simplest things like getting out of bed, making coffee etc. and I didnt even get time to eat more than once or twice every day. That was because everything was new, and was build on a totally new kind of awareness.

    I expected this emotional alertness, that most would percieve as a burning hell, to be the base of the rest of my life and I was comfortable with that, but then strangely the emotions started to fate after 2 months. I worried if I had become a bit out of focus with my awareness and if it needed to be tighten up to prevent it from getting hit by emotions.

    Im not sure yet, but it seems that when I proved to myself that I could be productive and perceivably consoled despite the persistent emotions, I had no longer need for them to be in focus. But that is just a guess for now.

    Mikkel

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Mikkel,

      Good to hear from you.

      The writing comes easily now. I just write about my experience.

      You’re right: it is a matter of reduction.

      There is a basic fear in us and this fear has been with us since the beginning of life. The effects of this fear are highly individual. In some it shows up as ambition and the conventional ideas of success; in others, it shows up as anxiety and depression; in still others, it shows up as a confusion of life. It seems that in everyone it shows up as a separation from life itself, as the feeling that we are not at home in our own lives. We can say generally that the effects of this fear is resistance.

      We don’t like the effects–we don’t like the resistance–so we seek solutions. People go after religions, philosophy, psychology. People chase spirituality. Ironically, it’s the resistance itself which makes us chase spiritual solutions such as presence, allowing, meditation, and theories of consciousness and oneness and so on. It’s a master irony that the solutions we seek to alleviate the effects of this fear in fact take us in the opposite direction. The solutions take us farther and farther away from the source of the problem and the source of the solution.

      It was this recognition–that the only problem is a basic fear, and nothing else–which brought about enormous relief, and a letting go of all the spiritual concepts and techniques and practices.

      I hope your’re doing well!

      k

  9. Caroline

    I’m very new to spirituality; I was an atheist when I found myself having a full blown spiritual emergency. I’m no more interested in becoming spiritual than I was in becoming religious. However, things have happened to me that even my very analytic mind can’t discount that tell me that I am so much more than this body and mind.

    Unlike you, I haven’t tried to gain a lot of spiritual knowledge. I have tried many different psychological approaches to help me and I use a few of these techniques to deal with the depression and anxiety. I use your release technique too.

    I do wonder, however, if you would be where you are if you hadn’t spent the last five years seeking and trying different things. In my experience nothing we learn is in vain. It’s certainly a help for those of us coming up behind you.

    I do suspect, although my mind disagrees, that if I embrace and release the emotions that come up, if I accept and embrace the qualities in myself that I’ve rejected, and if I truly learn to love myself, then I’ll get to where I need to be. Just in case I’m wrong, though, I’m trying John’s looking technique too.

    Apart from learning to quiet my mind and trying a variety of therapeutic techniques, I haven’t adopted any

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Yeah, it’s hard to say what effect the five years of exploring actually had.

      Yes, if you embrace and release emotions, accept, love yourself, you will be at home in your life.

      But these are not things you need to learn, practice and do. You already know how to do these things innately. You don’t recognize that because there is something between you and these things you want to learn and do and be. The thing that’s in between you and these things you want to do is resistance. The resistance comes from the basic fear of life.

      Remove the basic fear, and the attendant wound heals and resistance washes away. And then you find that all these things you have been trying to do you already are.

      How can we remove the basic fear and heal the wound of separation? The recognition that the original fear is the singular exclusive problem–that’s what did it for me. And I’m convinced the looking works as well.

      1. Caroline

        Thank you. Yes, I see what you mean about resistance. I actually had a dream last night where I was roaming around in the dark–I dream that a lot lately. In the dream, I was trying to find my way back home but I was lost. It was not completely dark but I couldn’t make anything out clearly. I just gave up and called home for help. In my dreams–and in life–I rarely ask for help. Then, in the dream, it was suddenly daylight. The next thing I knew, I was at home. I take this to mean that I need to just give up struggling and just be.

        I read your article about weight loss. I’ve struggled with that for all of my adult life. I’m currently very slim but have put on a few pounds and the panic has been setting in again. I just can’t go back to dieting so I’m going to try your way.

        This year, I haven’t had the energy to fight the way I’ve always done. I had to fight when I was young and it became a way of being. I never stopped working, never really relaxed but I haven’t had the energy this year. So, I expected it all to fall apart. I expected to lose friends because I’m not perfectly together. I expected my husband to find me to be a burden and leave me. It hasn’t happened. I found a regular job without.any struggle and it’s perfect for where I’m at right now. The less I resist the Universe the more friendly it seems to be.

        But, I still have a lot of old emotion and pain to release and I’m very affected by the pain of others. Being where you are now, how do you deal with the pain and suffering in the world? What do you think about that?

        1. Kaushik Post author

          Hi Caroline,

          For weight loss, look up Geneen Roth and Charles Eisenstein.

          Your dream and your recent life experiences do suggest that you’re giving up resistance, letting go.

          Try the looking. My theory is that when I first read Nisargadutt and Ramana, I did try what they suggested, but I didn’t think I really understood and didn’t recognize that it was actually working. And so I went through two or three unpleasant years of searching and experimenting. Had I recognized that the technique is simple, it might have gone easier. Had I recognized that the basic problem is fear, it might have gone easier.

          On the pain and suffering of the world–I get mixed feelings about that. The Buddha was right, human beings suffer, and they suffer and cause suffering because of a small bit of off-centeredness, dukkha. Sometimes I feel that people are victims–they just don’t know. Sometimes I’m amazed at the power of this simple illusion–it imprisons humanity and yet it hides in plain sight. Sometimes I feel that it’s a daunting problem, an impossible problem–with seven billion resistant human beings, how can this problem ever be solved? Sometimes I feel that someone will indeed crack this problem with a simple, ordinary solution.

  10. Philip

    Kaushik,

    I love this piece I read it again and my favourite quote of the whole website is:

    “The feeling that there is something wrong is the only thing that has ever been wrong.”
    “Life is perfect, life is love; the only thing which is wrong is this feeling that something is wrong, and this feeling becomes the foundation of everything we experience.”
    K.

    I just added:

    Why is life perfect? Because it could not be any other way

    Cheers

    Philip

  11. Marco

    I have had similar experience with the seeking game. I find alot of what you share worth reading. Only started now, will check in on it now and then. Have you come across Bernard Poolman & Desteni? I must say that I was much like that in delighting thoughts until I come across Desteni, investigating what they propose really made everything Stop. There is still much to investigate about them though, they have so much material. Wanted to hear others take on them..

  12. Davidya

    Thank you for sharing, Kaushik.
    You may find in time that the process you went through was what brought you to the place where you were ready to let go. It is in that letting go that we find relief. Then from that new perspective, what came before can seem pointless, false, and no longer true. It’s kind of like a trip. The open highway isn’t anything like the city. But to get to the city, we may have to take the highway. Or at least some road that’s not the city. 😉

    It is not that unusual for people to have a time of struggle before a big release. There is the purification of the process and the resistance to change or being seen. It will get easier and easier as more people make the transition.

    There are a few layers to this fear construct. Certainly not like peeling the onion of emotional healing. Just a few. So you may find another layer or 2, depending on how deep the release/relief was. Usually there’s more. But they’re much easier once you’ve done it. You can tell when you’ve found the end when Kaushik ceases, when that core sense of I identity with a person ends. Then what has divided inside and outside ends and true unity can begin to unfold. (Adya talks about this with Loch on Journey After Awakening DVD)

    You are on a remarkable journey. You’ve reached an important milestone where some of the benefits can begin to be enjoyed. This phase is over. Take a break and enjoy it.

    In the Rk Veda, 7th Mandala, Vasistha emphasized that we need to know of unity. When the seeker ends, we can feel this is it. And many teach this. But Do continue to look. There is sooo much more. Without the seeker, it’s important to recognize this lest you sell a diamond for the price of spinach. 😉

  13. Stephane

    Thank-you first. I get Davidya’s blog in my mail and was interested in what he said about you. So I just read your entire post and reply’s on this subject and it was perfect for me. I took it to heart and did a release, Sedona Method style. I asked for me what sense of self has been with me all my life. For me it started with “I don’t fit in” and I took that and did the welcoming technique they teach, and I thought I had gotten it as read another one of your replies to someone and took it one step further to “I don’t fit into me” did another process and boy plop, plop, fizz, fizz…oh what a relief it is. Hehe. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement to the all that is.

  14. Liara Covert

    Love how you openly share the energy and vibrations of your ongoing shift. Visitors feel the nature of the experience beyond words and are invited to allow the flow of theri own direct experience. Infinite blessings

  15. kate

    I never set out to become spiritual. I just fell apart, maybe because I was so far from my natural self, so outward looking. I started to experience depression and anxiety, both uncommon emotions for me. It didn’t help that I started to open up psychically at the same time.

    I think, like a lot of people, I inadvertently ended up on a spiritual search. What was originally a search for comfort ended up as a search for enlightenment. It took me a while to realize that this was not making me happy.

    One of the blessings about all this is my newfound ability to speak to non physical teachers. A couple a weeks ago, one told me that my goal this lifetime was not to become enlightened but to become whole. She explained that enlightenment is the transcendence of the ego whereas wholeness is the integration of all aspects of self, the persona, the shadow, feminine and masculine and the soul. After a little research, these differing goals roughly correspond to the Eastern and Western views respectively.

    I realized that, in trying to be enlightened, all I was doing was creating a spiritual identity. Unless your have transcended your ego and see this life for the illusion you may intellectually know it is, all you’re doing is pretending. My teacher continued to say that only a being that has lived many lifetimes and become highly evolved can really do this.

    I will admit that my ego took a bit of a knock. I’m obviously not that evolved. But, as I settled into the idea of it, I also felt tremendous relief. I can stop searching. Becoming who I’m truly meant to be in this life, expressing and sharing the gifts I have, enjoying the blessings of being both a spiritual being and a physical one-these are big goals in and of themselves. I’ve started to find joy again in my art and even in shopping.

    I had a dream where I was trying to force myself to take on an eastern religion, which I was resisting. A man, an aspect of me, got up on the stage and started singing Robbie Williams’ song ‘Angels’ and the line ‘I’m loving angels instead’. I realized that I’ve already found my path. The conservative computer programmer would have liked something more traditional yet here I am, a psychic and medium.

    I still fear life a little but I’m learning to let go of the outcomes, to trust, go with the flow of life. I hope that I too will experience the relief you speak of. It can’t be forced. No amount of reading, intellectualizing will bring it about. I have to be patient.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Kate,

      You might enjoy the latest comments in the latest Here article. We’re talking about spiritual seeking.

      I didn’t set out to be spiritual either. I set out to relieve my wounds–after twenty years of anxiety and depression and the consequences of that, I was exhausted, and open. For a time I was interested in spirituality in the way of exploring meditation and non-duality and so on. I think it was on reading Jed Mckenna that I realized the trap of the spiritual ego. But the ego is diabolical, and it continue nonetheless with the pursuit of enlightenment and awakening and so on.

      These days I am completely open to those things which are not in my experience. The universe is a mystery. So when you say you talk to non-physical teachers, I have no experience with that but I am totally with you. Perhaps you are talking to your own consciousness. In any case, the view of my experience is that you are doing right. No need to transcend. That’s the trap of a fearful ego trying to transcend itself.

      Hehe, I understand the bit (so to speak) about the computer programmer. I’m a software developer.

      You might enjoy John Sherman and Jed Mckenna. You’re right, it can’t be forced.

      I look forward to hearing more about your psychic experiences.

      k

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