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How to Stop Compulsive Thoughts: Letting Go in Four Steps
What can we do with those pesky recurring thoughts?
They are usually of a negative variety: about longing, or anger, or humiliation, or perhaps vengeance. You’re thinking of something unjust that happened to you or something someone said to you. Or perhaps, you want someone to act or feel a certain way. Sometimes it’s your to-do lists. Sometimes recurring thoughts are about wanting to be heard. You have something to say to someone and haven’t been able to and thought-conversations swirl in your head, over and over again.
Sometimes the voice in your head is yelling at you. Sometimes it tells you how weird your life is, or why this happens to you all the time. Sometimes it questions your sanity. Have you noticed that your internal voice is confrontational and highly critical? You wouldn’t let anyone else talk to you the way the voice talks to you. Would you?
Recurring thoughts and underlying emotions arise from the past. They arise from samskara, the conditioned and unconscious mind. They are the output of memory and grooves left over from past reactions. We can see that they steal our joy. We can see that they are useless. We can also see that the mind-ego takes a peculiar pleasure from cycling through these thought-stories, over and over and over and over again.
So what can we do about compulsive thoughts?
Let me illustrate the technique. Have you ever had a song playing in your head repeatedly? You can get rid of the recurring song instantly, if you want. Look at with Awareness. Look at with attention, without thinking about it or participating in it. Contain it whole in your attention. Look at it hard, and it goes away.
The critical part of the technique is simply using attention in a slightly different way. Attention is observing, being present, being a silent witness, being the unoccupied effortless choiceless awareness that you already are, to thinking, rather than a particular thought.
We can get there in four steps:
Acknowledge
You have to acknowledge the recurring thoughts and the underlying emotions. It isn’t always straightforward to find the underlying emotions. The underlying emotions usually are driven by on or more of four motivators: wanting control, wanting security, wanting approval, or wanting to run away from fear.
For example, you may have recurring thoughts about someone you are longing for, and the underlying emotions may be hurt, jealousy or a desperate wanting. What do the hurt and jealousy stem from? From one or more of: wanting control, security, approval, or fear of separation. Pin down the motivating drivers to one or more of the four wants, and it will help you see the mechanism of the mind-ego.
Accept
You have acknowledged the compulsive thoughts and emotions and you can now accept them just as they are. Don’t judge, don’t alter, don’t analyze, and don’t feel guilty about thinking. Simply accept unconditionally, with love, that these thoughts and emotions come up.
The energy of opposing these thoughts simply energizes more thought. All you get is more thinking and more judgment. Accept, without adding another layer of suffering.
Forgive
With awakening, we realize eternal innocence. Everyone does absolutely the best they can in the circumstances and conditioning they find themselves. So what is it that we can forgive? Who can we forgive? How can we be forgiven when we realize we are not the ego? Do we forgive the drunken monkey or the wild stallion he has been riding? There is a realization that there is nobody who needs forgiving.
Nevertheless, forgiveness is an important heart technique for many. The Buddha said anger is like a hot coal you carry around, waiting to throw at someone. It burns you while you carry it around. Forgiving is dropping the hot coal.
Forgiving is releasing and healing. If you’ve been practicing the release technique (see How to release Big and Small Emotions), you can see forgiveness and releasing are exactly the same thing.
How do we forgive?
Start with acknowledging that forgiving is not easy for the ego. Acknowledge that the superior sort of forgiving that the ego does is not forgiving. Forgiving someone with the feeling that we can forgive because we are better and bigger, is not forgiving. Know that it is easy and simple to release and forgive; the reason we think it is difficult is because the ego-mind takes a peculiar pleasure from holding onto to negativity. So ask yourself: would rather be right or happy?
Let Go
Look hard at the recurring thoughts with Awareness as a witness, not getting wrapped up in the story, but just witnessing them in Awareness. Hold the thoughts and emotions in Awareness. Be the gentle, unoccupied, choiceless awareness. Fully experience them. Give them space. Give them even more space. Let go.
Your turn. What thoughts are swirling in your head these days? Take five seconds, center yourself in your breath, and then look at it. What’s looping around?
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I’ll have to try this four-step process when it comes to recurring thoughts around food. I know when I feel the desire to eat more than I’m physically hungry for that it comes from an emotion of some sort. I don’t always take time to analyze the emotion in a way that helps me release it lovingly.
Thank you for writing this!
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Who Are We If We Don’t…? =-.
Hi Megan,
That’s an interesting application. Please let me know how it goes. I’m writing a book on weight loss using awareness techniques. It’s about giving attention to the feelings around food and how food tastes and how we feel before and after we eat, without trying to control how much, when or what to eat. It works! So please do let me know what your experience is.
Thanks, and I hope all is well,
k
Love this. It’s so hard to deal with thoughts that feel like they are happening complusively. I love the way you’ve addressed this issue. This post is really going to help me out a lot. Thank you!
.-= Positively Present´s last blog ..greet yourself with love =-.
Great Dani! Good to see you. The technique works for me, and it’s actually just a variation of the release technique
Great post Kaushik. I’ve realized over the last few months how much of my life has been driven by my ego and, I realize acceptance, forgiveness, and letting go really restore a sense of peace and balance to your life.
.-= Srinivas Rao´s last blog ..A review of Glen Alsop’s Cloud Living =-.
Hi Srinivas,
Thanks! You’ve had a very important realization, and you’ll find that as you move along, it will be less and less effort.
I hope life is flowing for you!
Kaushik
Hi Kaushik
I looked at some videos on Chris Edgar’s site earlier today on this same topic. He says the same thing you do about dealing with pesky thoughts. “Look at it with Awareness. Look at it with attention, without thinking about it or participating in it. Contain it whole in your attention. Look at it hard, and it goes away.” I conclude that this is my central message for the day. Thanks, and serendipity to you.
.-= Brenda´s last blog ..Gospel Song =-.
Namaste Brenda,
It’s so very nice to hear from you again!
Every awakening technique really is about being present, and it can be nicely summed up in what you quoted: “Look at it with Awareness. Look at it with attention, without thinking about it or participating in it. Contain it whole in your attention.” Releasing and healing, for example, is about letting go, but it always starts with full acceptance and full attention. With practice, this whole awareness becomes effortless, gentle, and technique-less.
I’ll have to check out Chris Edgar.
Serendipity!
Kaushik
HI Kaushik,
Just my luck, that i find such a lovely blog today. This is my first visit here. I am so glad to see what youre doing. Your articles are wonderful. And your writing skills simple and practically effective. Will have to try you 4 steps for sure.
Keep up the good work.
I have already subscribed to your RSS feed so will never miss another article:)
.-= Zeenat {Positive Provocations}´s last blog ..Everything Happens For The Best….??? =-.
Hi Zeenat,
Thank you for your kind words!
I’ve read your articles and comments on other sites and really look forward to your comments here! Welcome!
Kaushik
The best way to deal with negative mind talk is to “Just Let go” Kaushik said. Accept it…………..But let it go. Let you mind become consumed with positive talk, that will give you joy and make you feel great
Principle 1: The only think that matter is that YOU feel GOOD!
.-= jonathanfigaro´s last blog ..Power of Positive Thinking =-.
Hi Jonathan,
What you say is very important. There is power in positivity, but the ego can use positive thinking as way of covering up the negative. The negative does not go away; it remains and indeed festers and persists. When we face up to the ‘negative’, own up to what we have become, without judgment, accept it fully, feel it fully, then it is natural and easy to let go. When fear and judgment are let go of, what is left is love. What can be more positive than love!
Thanks for your incisive comment.
k
Hi, Kaushik
So what you are saying that positivity can be a false reality to cover up
all the negative a person maybe doing or thinking?
Hi Jonathan,
Yes, this can be the case. It’s possible that some of us use positive thinking to cover up suffering. When this happens, the suffering doesn’t go away. It persists and festers. I believe that this in fact is the psychological basis of depression and anxiety. When rage and fear and other emotions are suppressed, the result is depression and anxiety.
Thanks for expanding the discussion!
K
No problem,Kaushik
But how can you tell if your positive thinking is covering
how you really feel. You cannot feel good and bad at the same time right? so how can you actually tell?
.-= jonathanfigaro´s last blog ..Power of Positive Thinking =-.
Hi Jonathan,
I don’t think I can always know if positive thinking is covering up how I really feel. These days I feel positive. I’m not positive from positive thinking. I’m positive because in the last two years I have released negativity and awareness has expanded.
Perhaps people turn to positive thinking when they are negative. If they are already positive, there’s no need for positive thinking. So I’m assuming that forced positive thinking happens when we are actually very negative. But it really doesn’t matter. There is nothing here that will satisfy the intellect.
My experience is, over the last two years, I have released negativity and fears. I have expanded awareness. There have been ups and downs, but today I am at peace. There is an existential joy–a joy that is different from the egoic giddiness we feel when we get something we want. That type of happiness is always temporary and fragile.
Thanks again for expanding the discussion!
k
wow, Kaushik, your discussion with Jonathan is as good as your article. very instructive, helpful, sounds wholly right, keeps getting clearer and simpler the more you repeat it. kudos and thank yous.
.-= Brenda´s last blog ..Simple Signs =-.
Namaste Brenda! It’s always nice to hear from you. You’re absolutely right, a healthy discussion adds as much or even more value than the original article. Thank you for noticing the writing is getting simpler and clearer–I’ve heard that from others as well. It gets better with practice and feedback. Thanks again!
k
Great post as always Kaushik! As many teachers say, forgiveness is the only thing we need.
.-= Albert | UrbanMonk.Net´s last blog ..The Judging Mind and Emotions – Attachments and Aversions =-.
So true, Albert. Forgiveness, acceptance…that’s it.
Choosing to listen to your core self has profound implications. The learning curve never ends.
.-= Liara Covert´s last blog ..7 Points about oneness =-.
Hi Liara,
Indeed, the learning curve never ends. The process is ever-deepening. Thanks for the lovely insight!
k
I am on board with all of these things you’ve written. I have to say though, I’ve one thing stuck in my head and heart for the better part of a year. I worked on it. I’ve worked on not working on it. I’ve approached it with awareness, forgiveness, love, anger, therapy, beer… you name it. But it still follows me. I guess some things take more time than others, and I’ve just come to accept that it’s like an old injury. It eases with time, but still reminds me it’s there from time to time, and I feel a little irritation in response.
.-= Gina Loree Marks´s last blog ..Inspiration/Respiration =-.
Hi Gina,
I had had one thing stuck in my head for the last two years as well. It was an egoic longing. The intensity was inexplicable. I will write more about that. It was classic, with all the stories of desperate wanting and misery. As you point out, I tried all sorts of ways to overcome it.
Our stories are painful but we still take a peculiar pleasure in running through them, over and over again. It fits with the ego’s version of how life should be. And, we have come to believe that healing takes time. Time does not heal. Healing heals.
Release, and continue to release. Be aware.
And someday we laugh at all the drama.
k
Thanks Kaushik. And I know the ego game. Always holding out the ‘your life would be so much better if only…’ and whenever anything feels remotely off, that ‘thing’, that thought, pops up as the solution. Like a well-worn groove or rut. And as soon as Higher Self reminds me that that belief is really not true, I feel a sense of relief and release. But it’s become so automatic. And yes, my ego delights in the ‘running through’.. I can feel that, at first, until I get caught up in the illusion of lack.
Oh, and I have laughed at the drama, and continue to do so, even as I complain about all this.
.-= Gina Loree Marks´s last blog ..Inspiration/Respiration =-.
Ah, yes, Gina, ‘if I could only have this one thing…’ It’s a common story. You’re right, it’s a groove–I call the pain-body the groove-complex–the well-worn ruts that we slide through automatically.
Releasing, in the same way can become automatic.
Thanks for sharing so openly!
k
Letting go of beliefs is as easy or as difficult as you choose. The exchanges on this thread empower readers to shift vanatge points, to know other pespectives exist on the subject.
.-= Liara Covert´s last blog ..Why expand perception of time? =-.
Hi Liara,
It is very much about expanding perspective. As you say, it’s as easy or difficult as we make, and perhaps that is what makes it so delicate. Thanks for insight.
k
Hi Kaush!
Pain-body ….. groove complex… Yeah the same…. I was trained and then trained again to “think” ……. Now I am forgetting, re-training, de-programming…….. Etc without thought….
Mr Tolle, you (and others) have been helpful pointers for me….
Thx,
pj
Good to hear from you PapaJon. Yes, that’s it, we all build up junk in our mind and bodies. Release and expanding awareness peels it off, in layers! Tolle has been great!
k
Hi, i really liked this article since it reflects something that has been tormented me for years.. is about recurring thoughts, specially as for any song(s) that playing in my head repeatedly…specialy at night to the point that frecuently stop me for sleeping..
how do i get rid of them? ok, you say that one should take into account 4 steps,
But in my case for example in the first step “Acknowledge” you mention 4 possibles sources:wanting control, wanting security, wanting approval, or wanting to run away from fear. (?) here lies my confusion..since i am not sure what is because i dont find to any of them as the cause of the problem.. i mean when a son(s) repeatedly play in my head i check the 4 categories and any seems the to be the real for me…
the second step “accept” , well ok i dont have problem with it..in other words i accept it. no judgement- no critic- no analyse…etc
the third step i dont understand it simply because Who should i forgive? remember the song is something impersonal.. its not about someone.. what should i do in this step?
the fourth step “Let go” i dont have problem either.
so please guide me to any way to overcome this situation..
and again many thanks
Hi Alci,
Letting go of a song can be done by awareness. The kind of compulsive thinking I talk about in this article are the kind of thoughts and emotions we can’t let go of easily, such as when we re longing for someone.
I suggest two things. One is when you are trying to sleep and the song is insistent in the head, try listening to guided meditation. Here is a really good one from Adyashanti: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Adyashantis-Meditation-Allowing-Everything-to-Be-As-It-Is
The other thing I was going to recommend is to observe the song playing in your head, just like we would observe thoughts. I just realized that even though “observing thought” is a technique I recommend very often, I don’t have an article on it! I will publish one soon. In the meantime, try this:
Observe thought – Be a passive witness of your mind. Observe, without judging or analyzing. Observe thoughts, emotions, and perceptions. Gaps will appear between thoughts, and thoughts will lose their compulsive momentum, and gaps of awareness will expand. These short gaps, repeated many times, is Awareness.
I hope this helps. Let me know.
Love and peace,
k
Oh Kaushik, i really love and admire your beautiful task in helping us…
i really am thanked for your reply..
i was browsing the web and stumbled on this article. can you advise me on my compulsive thoughts. i recently lost a great love due to my compulsive thoughts and texting him over and over again after the intial texts received no response.my compulsive thoughts were why was he not texting me to say whatever. i did this for 3 days which totalled around 70 texts. he finally called me and said he could not continue with me because of the texts. i do believe he may have used this as an excuse. i really didn’t feel i was doing anything wrong, just wanted to communicate with him. he said i’m too compulsive and the texts were over the top. your help is greatly appreciated.
Hi Tina,
When it comes these sort of incidents, we’ve probably all experienced this sort of behavior. In the relationships, all our deep patterns and conditioning seem to come to the surface. Our need for approval, security, completeness, and control comes out takes a hold of us in these situations.
I suggest:
-If you find that you are compulsive in other areas aside from this one incident you describe, you should seek help.
-Learn an Awareness technique (meditation, observing thought, etc.). Explore here using the search and categories.
-Learn a release technique. Here is a very effective release technique: http://www.beyond-karma.com/how-to/how-to-release-big-and-small-emotions-release/
-Go to the External resources page. I particularly recommend this forum for you.
Thanks for visiting and commenting. Feel free to contact me directly from the About page.
love and peace,
k
I’ve been dealing with some bad phrases that enter my head, and I can’t seem to forget about them. I’m not a bad person by any means, I have just have had hear recently negative phrases enter my head, one in particular that keeps popping up in my mind. This has been going on for about 3 months. Can you help?
Hi Eddie,
I understand what you mean about negative recurring thoughts. The more you try to control them the more insistent they become. You can’t thwart thoughts.
What’s worked for me is allowing and watching, with patience and love.
Allow the thoughts and watch them as witness, taking a step back. Observe thoughts. Search here for articles on observing thoughts.
As you observe, you’ll find that thoughts lose their momentum.
Also consider therapy and professional help. Check out some of the forums for advice on this. I recommend the Eckart Tolle forum on the “External Resources” page.
Try the release technique which I talk about here. This is for releasing emotions more than thoughts, but it does build up the natural of skill we all have of choosing to let go.
I hope this helps.
k
I love that “Accept, without adding another layer of suffering”.
Recurring thoughts of pain from my break up – how do I release that?
nina´s last [type] ..I Chose Life Over My Eating Disorder – Purge Diaries Author
The Dalai Lama says that when you don’t get what you want, sometimes it’s a wonderful stroke of luck.
This is how I see the pain of a break up. Of course, when you are feeling the pain, it doesn’t seem like a wonderful stroke of luck. But it is indeed our best opportunity to awaken.
The pain of break ups seem particularly severe because this is when all elements of our ego and pain-body come out to play. This is the best time to practice: to be present, to observe, to release, to see that the you which is in pain does not even exist.
thankyou,, im 18 and tried not facing, even punishing my self for thoughts i had,, reallly gonna give this a go, this works for the long term… right.. until said thoughts no longer occur?
Try this, and try the release technique: http://www.beyond-karma.com/how-to/how-to-release-big-and-small-emotions-release/
(Im 20) Made sense…everything did. I found myself agreeing to all of it. Until I to the forgive and forget part. I know these steps and know that they could help, if only I learned how to LET GO. I’m ready to take those thoughts down before it takes me down. Do you think a physiologist would help? Even after I have seen one for a year and nothing has happened?
I have compulsive thinking about an old friend. I met her in college and she was so bitchy to me.. well she wasnt my friend it was my roomates friend from home. She had a very bitchy personality and turned around one time in the middle of a meeting and said “DUDE” cause i was texting.. that was snobby. I dont know why i think i still want to be friends with her. I wish i never met her. She was immature and her roomate tried fighting me. She now doesnt talk to me and i dont talk to them. My mind always tells me it was my fault and its been about 2 months and ive been put on Celexa. I feel like ill never forget. I feel like i could of trusted her and i feel like i still do. I dont want to see her ever again or talk to her. I delted her off of facebook and my phone… Will i ever get over this?
Yes, of course, you will get over this.
What’s been most helpful to me is the understanding that there really is only one problem in all of us, and it is fear. This small bit of fear comes about very early in our lives and colors everything we know and believe and say and do and feel. Looking at the sense of me has also been very helpful. And of course the release technique.
Hi
I am a new follower of your blog and there have been many changes in my life over the last 18 months which i am struggling with and eventually anxiety and depression and a complete lack of confidence came ( lost my brother, lost my auntie, lost my job under difficult circumstances and have managed to find a part time one now which is very different …i worked with 100 people now i work alone ) I have also started a volunteer job today ..
I am wondering how to begin to get the confidence back and move through the anxiety and depression ..please help
Hi Vanessa,
Thanks for writing and thanks for your openness.
I wouldn’t presume to give life-advice, because now it’s strikingly clear to me that the original problem is fear, and the fear affects each one of us in a highly individual ways.
But I can tell you some of the things that I’ve found most helpful.
It can be helpful to learn a release technique. I have one that has worked very well for me and others. There are also many other release methods.
It can be to bring attention to the sense of I AM. John Sherman is particularly good at explaining this (johnsherman.org);
It help to develop awareness. Simply to look without thinking or judgment.
I’ve found it very helpful to simplify my life. Fewer obligations, fewer goals (really just one), less to do, cleaner, minimalist sort of living.
Don’t be afraid to seek help. There are certainly have been times for me where I have wanted to be alone and isolated, and there have been times when I want to share. Friends and family, certainly. Looking towards professionals, therapists, counselors–that’s not a bad thing. Support groups and forums can be helpful. John Sherman has a pretty good forum, and http://eckhart-tolle-forum.inner-growth.info/ is good too.
More and more it seems to be about letting go of the false. That’s not the easiest thing to do, but it’s inevitable once you start.
I hope some of this has been helpful to you.
Take care
k
Hi Kaushik
Thanks for your reply …yes it did start as fear ..fear that i wasnt going to be good enough even in the small job !5 hours …fear that life would never be good again…fear that my mother who is 83 would die and leave me alone
Now i am working alone in the office most of the time and fear being alone to such an extent that it effects any enjoyment that i might get out of the job and this leaves me very vunerable ..how can i get through this …also i have a lot of time which i am not used to and cos i am depressed find it difficult to do things even though there are things to do
I have support from my gp and a counsellor ..but i think maybe they are missing something ..if you can make some suggestions about these issues that i can follow through it would be good
will i ever get through this …it has got a little better over the last month but still not fully up to my normal self by a long way
vanessa
ps also can you say how you release negative thoughts i have been using your tech on the feelings of anxiety and mostly it is helping
vanessa
Hi Vanessa,
It really is all about letting go…not about understanding new stuff but letting go. You can let go of negative thoughts and emotions just in the same way that you are letting go of anxiety.
Completely allow whatever the current state is; if negativity comes up, then that’s what it is. Allow it, observe it. Observing here means just looking, without judgement or interfering. And then ask yourself if you can let this go. And if the answer right is no, that’s completely fine.
If you want to email me (go to About on the menu), we can talk more over email or messenger, if you’re so inclined.
k
Being cognizant of thought patterns have opened a “space” for a calmness without fear…..
Papajon
Nicely put, Papa! Simple.