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How to mend a broken heart
“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”
photo credit: Theafroman9
I used this quotation from cool-dude Dalai Lama about two years ago in an essay about unrequited love. It’s in one my books I think. The quotation stuck with me because when I first saw it, I was in pain, from a relationship, not getting what I had wanted.
Relationships—as in all human interactions—are the nexus where heaven and earth meet. It is the playground of the ego. Human interactions, particularly romantic ones, usually start off blissfully, with a great deal of mutual validation and excitement and high expectations. But it isn’t long before the past comes up, patterns grip us, irrationality rules, all in a hotbed of pain and guilt and hurt.
And this is our best opportunity to awaken!
We spend most of the energies of life avoiding discovery of our patterns and naked experience. If we simply relaxed in Awareness and allowed, we discover our patterns and the true experience of reality and we see that there is Awareness and everything else is simply an impermanent point of view in Awareness, and the two are not two. It is this unity which is already all that we chase for in life. But we are deluded by our thoughts and beliefs and so we do not see this.
Human interactions are therefore a gift, a mirror, in which we can see the reflection of our conditioning and patterns if we choose to. Of course none of us wants to be dismantled, though that is exactly what awakening is—it is the falling away of the false—but none of us wants to be ripped apart, and this is the gift of human interactions. They automatically start the process for us.
So if you are in pain because of a relationship or the lack of one, take heart, because you will learn from it, and you will see it indeed as a wonderful stroke of luck. If you are in pain, right now, you want to be heard, you want your hurt to be acknowledged, you want someone to see how hard you’ve tried and to see your qualities and to acknowledge that all you’ve done is tried to love. Or you want someone to show love by behaving in certain ways. You want someone to show that he or she is thinking of you. Or you want someone to take responsibility for your hurt. Or perhaps you are blaming yourself or someone else. Or, you are feeling uncertain and lonely and tired and confused and despondent and insecure. Or you are feeling guilt. Or all of this.
Decide you want peace more than drama
Make the decision that you want peace more than you want drama. Your words may be different—fun more than hurt, happiness more than unhappiness, openness more than contraction, sanity more insanity…however, you choose to express it, it comes down to your decision to want awareness more than you want to be tied to reactive conditioning.
When we can decide this we stop pointing fingers outside of us. This letting go of the need to exercise our usual patterns is acceptance.
The Buddhists express this very well in the saying that whenever we are angry or offended or hurt by someone, it is always because of a pattern inside of us. We cannot possibly be offended or angry or hurt by someone unless we recognize the same pattern within us, and it is this self-recognition which makes us angry. Test it out. It has never failed me.
When I was in pain from a relationship, there was a period where my mind was very busy with stories. All sorts of mental-movies, mental-conversations, mental-judgments, mental-hope and mental-demands came up. Why oh why does it have to be this way instead of the way I want it to be?
This insanity can even get out of hand. I’m sure you have had the experience where you think, say, or do something, and in the middle of it, you have a moment of lucid awareness, and you ask yourself if you’ve gone crazy.
Indeed, you have. The ego is nuts.
When I was in this period of pain from a relationship, where my mind would not settle, I decided at one point that all my thoughts were irrational. I simply decided that each and every thought I had was suspect. At a much later time, I read “The Work” from Byron Katie. I realized that when I had decided that every thought I had was irrational, I had instinctively used Byron Katie’s technique of questioning beliefs. I don’t find it useful to analyze each belief—it worked better and easier for me to simply uncling from thoughts by deciding they are all suspect.
We can develop the skill to ride the high and low waves of human interactions. It is in the low waves, from misery and bleakness, that the stuck structures of the ego and conditioned patterns can be looked at, and that’s all it takes. Just a looking, from awareness, without intellectual analysis, is all it takes to release them. We can call this instinctive recognition or wisdom or intuition. I invite you to leave everything just as is, without labeling or judging, and simply notice effortlessly.
If the mind is racing, it can help however to use specific techniques to settle down painful emotions from relationships. The technique that helped me the most with relationship-pain is a letting-go technique. No surprise there, right?
It’s a useful technique to use for any interaction with anyone.
How to release interactions
Visualize the person you’re trying to let go of.
Ask yourself: What do I want from this person?
Let go of the wants.
Then ask: What do I feel the other person wants from me?
Let go of feeling of what the other person wants.
That’s it.
More…
Remember that this is not a cognitive analysis. You don’t try to figure out why you want what you want. It’s not a psychological assessment.
Sometimes it’s difficult to know or articulate what it is that you wanted from the interaction. It can help to categorize wanting into four categories: approval, control, security, and completeness. If you look honestly at any desire you have, you will be able to categorize it according to one or more of these four categories, or their opposites.
What did you actually demand internally? Did you want approval? Approval can be love, reassurance, validation, confirmation, conformity and many other things.
Did you want to control that person? Control can be the need for the person to see you in specific ways. It can be the demand that person show his or her love to you by behaving in certain ways. Did you want the person to feel certain feelings? Do you want the person to agree with you in some way?
Did you want completeness? Do you feel validated when the person is in your life or behaves in certain ways? Do you want some sort of communion or association? Do you feel that a continued association with this person somehow makes you feel more complete or accomplished or accepted?
Did you want security? Do you want a future, a feeling of safety?
There is no judgment here. There is no question of rationality—whether what you want from the person is rational or irrational is irrelevant.
We can take these wants and put them in one or more categories of approval, control, security and completeness.
Then use the release technique to let go of the wanting. That is, let go of the wanting of control, security, approval and completeness, and their opposites.
If it helps you, jot down the wants and their categories.
Why this works
An effective release technique simply uses our own intuition. With this, we acknowledge and accept and fully allow the pain and patterns which have built up in us. And we look at the patterns of wanting with Awareness, with instinctive non-thinking wisdom.
What happens
Continue the exercise as often as you want. Use the exercise for any interaction. In any interaction, whether it’s romantic or friendly or familial or business or casual, the ego has demands and the ego makes assumptions on what it thinks the other is demanding.
As false emotions and patterns are released, intuition rises. Space is created within us. The clinging to particular patterns or particular emotions or particular wants begins to loosen. We become very open.
You will find that this technique, just like the letting go technique, very soon vanishes as a technique, and becomes easy experience.
With increasing intuition, you may also recognize the ego’s tendency to seek out interactions which give the ego the opportunity to exercise its stuck patterns. As you let go, you may become more alert to this tendency.
Does it really work
Yup, it does. I went through over a year of turmoil, and another year of “low-grade” longing. With this technique, the painful emotions went away in two weeks. What is left are just good feelings of wanting the best for the person in question. There is no longing or pain or demands.
I’m not trying to sell you on this. There is nothing for sale here (well, the books are, hehe). But there is nothing for sale as a practice. Even though I do talk about practices, I also say that if you can see that any practice is just a point of view in Awareness, and not Awareness, then you don’t need any practice. Practice of any sort is in the realm of the limited mind but practice does have the effect of settling down particular beliefs and pain, and this can allow us to see what it means to let go and rest in Awareness.
Give it a shot, and let me know how it goes.
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Hi Kaushik
Are you in a relationship now? It seems that there is the potential for getting so good at nonattachment that forming relationships would suffer as a consequence. Relationships are formed by attaching one’s time and attention to another person. How do you explain this subtle paradox?
Brenda´s last blog ..The Unnamed Light
Hi Brenda,
Oh boy!
No, I’m not in a relationship as you mean it. I have a supportive family and a bunch of fascinating friends.
You make a great point about non-attachment. We create ideas about non-attachment, and people often think it is the purposeful suppression of compassion and love. Non-attachment the way I see it is the opposite. It is the letting go of any sort of suppression or resistance, and then an openness develops which does not cling to any particular point of view. This is the expansion of love.
There isn’t any particular reason I’m not in a committed relationship. I’m completely open to whatever develops.
I hope you’re doing well!
Peace,
k
“…which does not cling…” That’s the answer! Thanks, my friend.
Brenda´s last blog ..The Unnamed Light
Right: awareness, and letting go. Two very important skills to mend a broken heart. And fortunately for us, two learnable skills, with time and practice of course.
Eduard
Ideas With A Kick´s last blog ..How to avoid the holiday madness and enjoy yourself
Eduard: succinct and direct. Nicely said!
k
Kaushik,
This is a helpful article. I use your release technique a lot. It helps so much to get to the root of issues I encounter. Like you wrote, things usually come down to wanting “control, security, approval and completeness, and their opposites.” Recognizing the core issue helps me let go of the stress and anxiety that my thoughts are producing. It’s pretty incredible.
I also like what you wrote about patterns–that is dead on!!!
Take care, thanks for such a thorough post! Jodi
Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Planting Seeds for the New Year
Hi Jodi,
Thanks, and it’s so wonderful you’re using the technique and it’s helping. The root of the issue is fear, and once we see that, all this becomes rather simple.
Thanks for visiting and for sharing your experience.
I hope all is well!
Joy,
k
Everything is a process for an individual. Many people only perceive love through the filter of their own experience. As a person shifts from the perspective of logical mind to feel with the heart, expanding unconditional love and forgiveness are all that flow. The right brain believes almost anything you repeat unless you raise consciousness to recognize how perception is manipulated by sound energy. As you see through self-hypnosis, you begin to realize the healing power of magnetic energy. Spiritual consciousness reminds you what you can do even through emotions often cloud inner knowing to distract you from the truth.
Liara Covert´s last blog ..What are you downloading?
Yes, Liara, this is my experience. Love is an expansion, and we can see this more and more as spaciousness and awareness expand.
Have you been spying on me??? Today is the day I needed this…Thank you.
Dawn´s last blog ..Remembering Why…
So glad to hear Dawn. Keep releasing!
Peace,
k
Oh how true it is! Decide if you want peace or drama. I’d say that is the line of the year! Life is so much easier when we are willing to learn from our projections. For myself I’ll take peace anytime. When I first let go of drama it took some getting used too. But the best gift was meeting silence!
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Traveling By Train: Lessons On Going With Life’s Flow
Hi Tess,
Yes, peace more than drama. It’s an important question to ask ourselves–it helps us see that ego will want drama. It wants to be right, not happy. This realization can help us make the decision that we really do want to live consciously, more than we want to live according to conditioning and stuck patterns.
“…meeting silence.” Yes, exactly, well said.
I hope you are really well!
k
Hi Kaushik,
That Dalai Lama is one super cool dude and you are so right about the ego…it is nuts!
So many gems are in this post and I think the one area in human existence where we have really messed things up is the area of romantic relationships. I talk from experience. When I look back at all those relationships which did not work out, I am so grateful because something better did come along. Many times we want things without thinking whether or not they are good for us. Therein lies the rub of human desires. What is good for us and what is not…we master that with time and as you so beautifully endorse, when we become aware of who we truly are, then the clouds lift and we can see much more clearly as to what this whole game is all about.
Hope all is well, my friend. This post was a joy to read.
Hi Nadia,
You’re so right that we’ve messed up our relationships, particularly romantic ones. In the egoic mind, it is difficult to know what we need–the ego of course has its own agenda based on history and validation and conditioned patterns. When we can rest in Awareness, intuition rises, and we can see clearly and connect authentically. As human beings conditioned in this civilized society, it is difficult for us to connect without demands and expectations, but the seeing of this is an important step to clarity.
Thanks for expanding the discussion brilliantly!
Peace,
k
Oh, boy this realm of relationships has been a big learning area for me as well. And I do think this recognizing and questioning of what we want from others, and releasing it, is such a key part of truly learning to love (both ourselves and others.) Or perhaps I should say for letting the love come through. Romantic relationships, and especially marriage have challenged me in this way, but so has parenting, as children are another kind of mirror too. So often we have so much invested in how they ‘turn out’, in how they reflect on us (although we never want to admit that), and that in itself becomes a block. Thx for another thoughtful post…
Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..Spiritual Processing,Transits and Empowerments
Hi Lisa,
Yes, I agree, all relationships can be a mirror. I don’t remember who said this, but it’s a great quotation: if you think you are enlightened, spend two weeks with your parents!
Thanks for your insights. I hope all is well!
Peace,
k
“I’m sure you have had the experience where you think, say, or do something, and in the middle of it, you have a moment of lucid awareness, and you ask yourself if you’ve gone crazy.”
Yes that absolutely has happened before.
Is it possible to release thoughts as well as emotions? For example, what if we keep having a recurring thought that is actually an accurate thought, but it causes us distress? I know that attaching to the thought is causing me distress, but if the thought is “true”, then by not attaching to it am I not denying the truth of it?
One other question (this may sound dumb) but say we are truly “enlightened”, would not every woman we come across be the perfect one for us? In that breath, how can we differentiate between partners? Is it simply that we just enjoy the form (personality, looks, intellect) of one partner over another? Thanks Kaushik!
Hi Andrew,
Yes we can release thoughts, and way to do it is not direct. I have written about how to let of compulsive thoughts. But I think we can also simply rest in awareness.
Observe thoughts. The gaps in between are awareness. Short moments of awareness put together adds up to awareness. With more and more experience with short gaps, there is expansion, and we experience warmth, ease, compassion, a letting go. Thoughts diminish and we see that thoughts are actually very impersonal.
In observing thoughts, don’t judge them to be true or false or rational or weird. Don’t label, don’t interpret. And labeling happens, allow that as well, and watch, because that too is just another thought.
To your other question, whether we’re enlightened or not, we have embodied patterns. We resonate with some people more than we do with others. We can radiate compassion equally, but we can still resonate with some more than others.
I hope this helps.
Once again, you’ve asked some very essential questions! Thanks.
Peace,
k
Kaushik, I am so glad that you pointed out that this whole view could be applied to familial relationships (like duh, right?!). I was reading, reading, and nodding my head but thinking, “I’m not in romantic pain right now, so I don’t really need this.” And then I hit your suggestion that (of course!) we can apply this to other relationships, too. WHAMO! I’m fresh out of wondering why one of my family-of-origin relationships isn’t how either party wants it. I’ve sort of landed in the space of just accepting that it is how it is, and that how either of us are (distant) doesn’t mean we don’t love each other.
But when I want to better understand or release my own “stuff” related to this relationship, I can look at your categories of wants (thank you for that, by the way), and figure out why I’m so hooked by the shenpa of what’s happening between us.
This article, like you and like always, is brilliant.
Best to you, my friend!
Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Funny Cookies
Hi Megan,
Yes, this can be applied to any relationship or interaction. Family relationships are long and develop as our own conditioning and patterns develop, so they can be particularly instructive. I don’t know that we can get anywhere with thinking or analyzing our relationships, because of course we think and analyze with the same the belief and assumptions and stuck patterns. When we can let go and remain aware, an instinctive recognition takes over.
Thanks for the wonderful insight. And the kind words!
I hope you are really well!
Peace,
k
Hey Kaushik,
Fantastic post. I went through something similar, not the conventional heartbreak but something someone did and I did pretty much everything you said too! It helped a great deal!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..4 Years And 6 Key Lessons From Blogging
Hi Amit,
Yes letting go works in the same way for any situation. With practice we realize it’s not a practice. It’s not even something we do; it’s something we stop doing. We stop resisting. A feeling is just a message from intuition. With an emotion, if we fully allow, welcome it, we see its true nature and we stop holding on to it.
Thanks for the insight. And thanks for the kind words!
Shanti,
k
That’s a great idea – applying mindfulness directly to interactions. I’ve tended to be more mindful of my private inner stream of consciousness and will try to remember to apply this.
That’s a nice way to put it Paul, thanks!
k
So much here to ruminate upon here. This really jumped out at me “…we are angry or offended or hurt by someone, it is always because of a pattern inside of us. We cannot possibly be offended or angry or hurt by someone unless we recognize the same pattern within us, and it is this self-recognition which makes us angry.”
this is something that is more and more in my awareness radar…recognizing my discomfort (and myself) in other people…turning it around and working on my own stuff…letting go of the “blame” and allowing compassion to flow in both directions.
so glad I discovered your blog today.
gentle steps,
Laura
Laura Hegfield´s last blog ..Darkness Provides
Hi Laura,
Yes, this is powerful knowledge. It has the effect of making us stop and looking at our patterns even in those times when we tend to be very unconscious. “..compassion to flow in both directions.” Beautiful!
Peace,
k
Hello, Have a great day to you fellow blogger. We have accepted your carnival submission here h**p://lifetofullest.com/living-life-to-the-fullest-carnival-new-year-special/ but unfortunately, it seems that our trackback was filtered by akismet, it is mistakenly treated our trackbacks as spam. Please check your spam folder and mark as as not spam so akismet will learn that we are not. Thank you so much and please keep joining in our carnival editions. Happy new year. Thanks and best regards, Jay Yanuaria
Its amazing what a relationship can set off inside a person, the power, the intensity. And, funny thing, all that power is yours. Make it pain; make it love; its your energy and your choice. A hard lesson to learn. But when something makes you aware of that power, the power of your own love, you can heal yourself. Maybe when I’m done healing myself I’ll be able to heal someone else and do magic tricks, read minds, and other mystical things. For now, I doubt there’s any separation between the two – healing myself and others. Love will always last, so long as you recognize yourself as the source.
Sarah´s last blog ..The Surfers
Yes, Sarah, relationships are our best mirrors.
It starts with love, loving ourselves. Love is the opposite of fear. Developing love and releasing fear are the same. You have articulated it so well: love and pain are both power, and we can use our power, awareness, to heal ourselves first.
Thanks Sarah for the eloquent insight.
love and peace,
k