Autolysis

Thanks to the people who are patiently giving me feedback. Ciarin, Robert, and all the people commenting on this site–much thanks for helping and sharing.

Pattern recognition
Creative Commons License photo credit: jdxyw

  1. What is it that I know for sure?
  2. There is existence.
  3. Not: I exist. Only: there is existence.
  4. I do not exist.
  5. It isn’t like I existed and someone came by and handed me my mind and my body and my awareness and my life.
  6. What was born was a body and a mind and life and awareness and an inquisitive playfulness. The me came later. It came up as an assumption. There were thoughts, hence the assumption that they must be my thoughts. The process of thinking itself gave birth to the idea of a thinker.
  7. It’s a pattern of deciding that things that happen must have a cause other than the natural order of things. So, I caused this, I see this, I do this, I understand this; instead of this happened, there is a seeing of this, there is a doing of this, there is an understanding of this.
  8. The idea of me is threaded through every thought and emotion. Every thought feels like my thought. Most thoughts are about me, me in the past, me in the future, changing, how the me is, what the me should have done in the past, how the me should be different.
  9. How to begin this inquiry? I do not exist.
  10. It certainly feels like I exist. I have thoughts, emotions, memories, pain,
  11. suffering, desires. There are consequences to me. I make decisions. If I do this, it’s good for the future me, if I do that, it’s bad for the future me.
  12. Then the recognition: all this would work in exactly the same way if I did not exist.
  13. Can I drop everything else that I know? Can I drop all beliefs and assumptions and concepts and practices? And just hold the truth that there is existence. And the view I do not exist.
  14. I am identified with awareness. The mind goes quiet. But I still have a sense of me, and here is my awareness.
  15. Then: Yes, there is awareness. But it’s not my awareness. There is just awareness. Yes there is a sense of me. But it’s not my sense of me.
  16. Then I got stuck because I thought I had to change something in me. I thought I had to erase my identity.
  17. Then the guidance: Everything stays. Nothing changes. Awareness stays. It’s not my awareness, it’s awareness. Identity stays. It’s not my identity, it’s identity. I’m not holding onto my identity. There is just a sense of holding on.
  18. Frustration stays. I’m not frustrated, there is frustration. They are not my thoughts, they are thoughts. Everything remains the same; it’s not about changing. It’s just that the I in all of this does not refer to anything.
  19. People try to be helpful. They say things like think hard, focus, do the math. But the thing is that trying to solve this doesn’t work for me. I get stuck in quiet awareness. Focus yes, but it’s the normal sort of looking, it’s not concentrating hard on it, but just staying with it. It’s not an intellectual analysis. The glimpses happen when there’s a focused but easy sort of looking.
  20. I am stuck, expecting, anticipating.
  21. The mind can be active or not. I’m not trying to change anything. I’m not expecting anything. I allow everything. A thought happens. It’s not my thought.
  22. It’s a thought. And there is the seeing that the me in the thought does not refer to anything.
  23. Then guidance: There is no you. You can’t understand that because there is no you. An understanding of that just floats. An unhinged sort of understanding.
  24. You can’t meditate about this and hope by grace something clicks. You can’t agree to this. There can be an agreement but you can’t do anything. You can’t even look. There is a looking.
  25. I’m stuck because I have a thorough intellectual understanding of this. That’s getting in the way of recognition. I start to contemplate and quickly come to a mental agreement that I don’t exist. I can’t come up with any argument that proves that I exist. And yet the recognition doesn’t pop.
  26. I’m not taking this personally enough. I’m looking at this in an abstract way. There is thinking and I say it is thinking but it is not my thinking. That put distance between me and thinking. It made it abstract–the delusion of me still solidly here, but now separated. Hard to explain, but basically I’m not taking this personally enough. Just abstracting it.
  27. I released frustration a while back so there is no frustration. I can be patient. No clicking sound yet.
  28. Here’s the thing: Freedom always is. I don’t think I’m free. But then I don’t exist. So there is just thinking that I’m not free. The thing that’s getting in the way of this recognition is the thinking that I’m not free.
  29. Now I look at everything with the view I don’t exist. When drinking coffee, when working, when talking, when thinking. I can be patient. Not looking to change anything. Everything remains. No anticipation. No projection.
  30. I believe that once there is the rational understanding that there is no-me, the recognition is inevitable. (This is a conjecture). So I can be patient. Resting in this state and looking. Like with the release technique, what works is alternating between striving and letting-it-be. Like a Chinese finger trap.
  31. Four years of awareness and release practice has stabilized my unenlightened state. I can get into a meditative no-mind state very quickly. I can release emotions–some are harder to let go of than others–but I am able to let go of emotions, even emotions of anxiety and depressive sadness. This has been highly effective, but for this particular seeing, this is getting in the way. It’s as if I can’t get a hold of problem to see this through in. I have to peel this differently and take personally, not in the abstract, but here in real life.
  32. What now?

Spiritual Autolysis

Thanks to the people who are patiently giving me feedback. Ciarin,  Robert, and
all the people commenting on this site–much thanks for  helping.

What is it that I know for sure?
There is existence.
Not: I exist. Only: there is existence.
I do not exist.
It isn’t like I existed and someone came by and handed me my mind and my
body and my awareness and my life.
What was born was a body and a mind and life and awareness and an
inquisitive playfulness.
The me came later. It came up as an assumption. There were thoughts, hence
the assumption that they must be my thoughts. The process of thinking itself
gave birth to the idea of a thinker.
It’s a pattern of deciding that things that happen must have a cause other
than the natural order of things. So, I caused this, I see this, I do this, I
understand this; instead of this happened, there is a seeing of this, there is a
doing of this, there is an understanding of this.
The idea of me is threaded through every thought and emotion. Every thought
feels like my thought. Most thoughts are about me, me in the past, me in the
future, changing, how the me is, what the me should have done in the past, how
the me should be different.
How to begin this inquiry? I do not exist.
It certainly feels like I exist. I have thoughts, emotions, memories, pain,
suffering, desires. There are consequences to me. I make decisions. If I do
this, it’s good for the future me, if I do that, it’s bad for the future me.
Then the recognition: all this would work in exactly the same way if I did
not exist.
Can I drop everything else that I know? Can I drop all beliefs and
assumptions and concepts and practices? And just hold the truth that there is
existence. And the view I do not exist.
I am identified with awareness. The mind goes quiet. But I still have a
sense of me, and here is my awareness.
Then: Yes, there is awareness. But it’s not my awareness. There is just
awareness. Yes there is a sense of me. But it’s not my sense of me.
Then I got stuck because I thought I had to change something in me. I
thought I had to erase my identity.
Then the guidance: Everything stays. Nothing changes. Awareness stays. It’s
not my awareness, it’s awareness. Identity stays. It’s not my identity, it’s
identity. I’m not holding onto my identity. There is just a sense of holding on.
-Frustration stays.
-I’m not frustrated, there is frustration. They are not my thoughts, they
are thoughts. Everything remains the same; it’s not about changing. It’s just
that the I in all of this does not refer to anything.
People try to be helpful. They say things like think hard, focus, do the
math. But the thing is that trying to solve this doesn’t work for me. I get
stuck in quiet awareness. Focus yes, but it’s the normal sort of looking, t’s
not concentrating hard on it, but just staying with it. It’s not an intellectual
analysis. The glimpses happen when there’s a focused but easy sort of looking.
I am stuck, expecting, anticipating.
-The mind can be active or not. I’m not trying to change anything. I’m not
expecting anything. I allow everything. A thought happens. It’s not my thought.
It’s a thought.  And there is the seeing that the me in the thought does not
refer to anything.
Then guidance: There is no you. You can’t understand that because there is
no you. An understanding of that just floats. An unhinged sort of understanding.
You can’t meditate about this and hope by grace something clicks. You can’t
agree to this. There can be an agreement but you can’t do anything. You can’t
even look. There is a looking.
Now: I’m stuck because I have a thorough intellectual understanding of
this. That’s getting in the way of recognition. I start to contemplate and
quickly come to a mental agreement that I don’t exist. I can’t come up with any
argument that proves that I exist. And yet the recognition doesn’t pop.
I’m not taking this personally enough. I’m looking at this in an abstract
way. There is thinking and I say it is thinking but it is not my thinking. That
put distance between me and thinking. It made it abstract–the delusion of me
still solidly here, but now separated. Hard to explain, but basically I’m not
taking this personally enough. Just abstracting it.
I released frustration a while back so there is no frustration. I can be
patient. No clicking sound yet.
Here’s the thing: Freedom always is. I don’t think I’m free. But then I
don’t exist. So there is just thinking that I’m not free. The thing that’s
getting in the way of this recognition is the thinking that I’m not free.
Now I look at everything with the view I don’t exist. When drinking coffee,
when working, when talking, when thinking. I can be patient. Not looking to
change anything. Everything remains. No anticipation. No projection. I believe
that once there is the rational understanding that there is no-me, the
recognition is inevitable. (This is a conjecture). So I can be patient. Resting
in this state and looking. Like with the release technique, what works is
alternating between striving and letting-it-be. Like a Chinese finger trap.
Four years of awareness and release practice has stabilized my
unenlightened state. I can get into a meditative no-mind state very quickly. I
can release emotions–some are harder to let go of than others–but I am able to
let go of emotions, even emotions of anxiety and depressive sadness. This has
been highly effective, but for this particular seeing, this is getting in the
way. It’s as if I can’t get a hold of problem to see this through in. I have to
peel this differently.

52 thoughts on “Autolysis

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Ralph,

      I know who Light is–at least I know of his avatar identity on the Eckhart Tolle forum. That’s a wonderful forum and I visit it often.

      Light is a highly conceptual and intellectual thinker. On intellectual arguments, I go with Krishnamurti and Jed McKenna and other non-dualists who recognize that the power of conceptual thinking does not come from what the concepts represent, but rather from the ego’s will to survive.

      Light’s main objection is this: “The first fundamental flaw (and the greatest) is that this teaching assumes that the Subject, i.e. you, are always the false individual self. It does not say that by ignorance you take yourself to be individual. It does not say that once you realize that individuality is false that you will exist in some real way that actually always was but was unknown due to ignorance. This teaching does not say you are synonymous with Reality, or Being, that you feel you have separated yourself from due to ignorance.”

      Light’s view is plausible. (I say plausible and not correct because I don’t yet have direct experience of this, and I want to be authentic. However, I can easily agree to Light’s view).

      But I don’t see that it is inconsistent with “I do not exist.”

      First, “I do not exist” is not a teaching. It’s not a practice. It’s an inquiry. The difference is important because it’s not something to conceptualize and get better at through practice. It’s something to explore or not explore directly.

      Second, “I do not exist” does not deny Existence. At least in my view it doesn’t. How can it? How can anything deny what is undeniable? Of course there is Existence/Reality/Being/Source/Consciousness/Life/Love/Awareness. And if it were not for the ignorance of the false self, we would all know that from direct experience.

      There is a good reason why it’s “I do not exist” and not “I exist but I am not the false self that I take myself to be but instead I am undeniable Being.” I have a feeling Light would be very happy with the second statement.

      But there is good reason to short and direct, as “I do not exist”, rather than the longer second statement. If you’re wearing muddy glasses and you take them off, you’re not going to forget that there is a world in front of you. In the same way it’s silly to conceptualize that if you see through the false self, you will somehow fall into limbo unless you affirm Reality.

      “I do not exist” makes it direct. It’s not “The false self does not exist” or “The ego does not exist” because those words gives a safer level of abstraction. “I do not exist” is direct.

      Secondly, until the false I is seen through, there is ignorance of Being. Until false I is seen through, Oneness or Being or whatever we want to call it, is not direct experience, but only a concept. The only use the concept has in this case is that it makes people feel better. Just as when someone asked if I don’t exist then what is there, and you replied that there is Life/Love. This is a good answer. Life is undeniable. That there is Love is only a concept until there is direct seeing of it, and if we’re honest, a concept can be false or true. So the thing to do is to find out for oneself.

      Thirdly, there is actually some danger in harping on what we actually are versus just exploring what we are not. It can easily lead to an identification with the concept of Awareness (or Being or whatever you want to call it). Something very similar has happened to me, and that is exactly why I am having trouble with this particular inquiry. In fact, you pointed that out to me.

      At some point in this business we have to stand on our own authority. That is where I am. I don’t accept or reject Ciarin’s concepts of enlightenment nor do I accept or reject Light’s concepts of Reality. What I do see, from direct experience, and not from conceptualizing, is that this “I do not exist” is unrelenting, direct, and compelling. And rather than manipulate concepts and terminology, I would rather find out for myself whether this method works or not.

      And that’s what I’m doing.

      1. Kaushik Post author

        Boy, all that sounds a bit like sermonizing and that was not my intention. It’s very simple. This is something to be explored by actually doing it. Or not.

  1. Ralph

    Okay, is it fair enough to say that you had it with concepts and terminology and have now taken the approach of ‘direct looking’ to get some kind of recognition of who/what you truly are?

    what if the recognition IS that there is no recognition…. that the looking for the recognition is what stands in the way of true seeing ? … maybe the one who wants to know cannot know it….have you looked into this possibility ?

    Again I ask you, can you rest in “not knowing ” ?

    1. Kaushik Post author

      I can never recognize. And yet a recognition can happen.

      Yes, the seeking of recognition may be getting in the way of recognition. I can rest.

      1. Ralph

        How can you rest if you are waiting for a recognition of some kind ?
        It appears that you want confirmation but if you already are then for who/what ?

        .. your ego is taking a last shot of owning this awareness. It is clever in playing the part of “no ego verses ego” but it is still ego. It is holding on to its last breath.

        Let it go … Give up.

            1. Kaushik Post author

              Okay, a few weeks ago I started the inquiry of “I do not exist.” This is an active inquiry. Not a meditation or abiding in awareness. Clearly, there is not yet the recognition but I do see that this a powerful inquiry, and my experience with it gives some confidence that it has and can work. As you pointed out there is some debate about it, but I don’t put any confidence in conceptual thinking. There is not much distance between a concept and a belief.

              Recently, there is the realization my practices of awareness and release may actually be getting in the way of the looking. I can get into a sort of meditative, let-it-be awareness in just about any situation. I can release emotions–even the tough emotions of anxiety and depressive sadness, relatively quickly. This is good in real life. But for this inquiry, this may actually be getting in the way, because I release before I really get into it. This is reasonable. So I don’t quite know where to go from here, except to keep looking without anticipation or expectation. There is no longer any frustration about it. I can be patient.

              What you are suggesting is a little different, I think. If I understand it correctly, you are suggesting that there may already be recognition but the reaching for it is getting in the way. So I should rest in unknowningness.

              Do I understand you correctly?

              1. Ralph

                What I’m saying is that who you truly are IS the recognition so there is no need to search for it or wait for the recognition to occur. (that is what your ego is trying to do). You cannot see it because the one that is trying to see it is your ego but YOU are not your ego.

                When I say rest in ‘not knowing’, I am asking you to not put your attention to thoughts generated by your ego who wants to have a recognition.

                It all come down to this, You will never get this because the you who wants to get this cannot. Can you see that whatever you do just leads you away from it …..just keeps you in the game..

                There is no knower to know it. You already are.

                Geez ! …Kausnik,. you tried everything else… don’t you think its time to give up and let it go ? 🙂

                  1. Janice R.

                    Ralph, thanks for the heads up on the Osho article re: his awakening. I just read it. It really was beautifully written, like he was talking directly to me, the reader
                    Take care,
                    Janice

                    1. Ralph

                      You are not reading a novel …. if you find it relevant than read it ‘slowly’ and absorb it.

                      This is number 33 on your list. 🙂

                    2. Janice R.

                      Ralph, you said a mouthful I have re-read the Osho Awakening four times and every reading it is completely different to me. The words are unreal, they go into your pores and to your bones.
                      One of the things I am understanding is he says “Seeking dropped away”. Did he give up seeking? sounds like it to me.
                      Janice

  2. Masi

    K, you seem to me like you get it but then you retreat and get all confusing after that….

    “30.I believe that once there is the rational understanding that there is no-me, the recognition is inevitable.”

    rational understanding and recognition do not come from the same place.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Masi,
      What I am doing here is trying to honestly describe the inquiry as it unfolds. It’s a little awkward to do, because articulating what is happening is not easy. But this is a good exercise for me–it is showing me how to articulate, how to be authentic, and of course taking me deeper into this inquiry. If it sometimes seems like I’m flailing my arms, it’s only because I’m honestly reporting what’s going on. There is no longer any frustration or expectation or anticipation. Just a looking.

      Hope you’re well!

      k

      1. Masi

        I understand K and I highly admire and respect you for your ability to share your experiences so openly, honestly, and succinctly that it touches so many of us.

        What I wanted to say in my earlier comment but didn’t is that in my experience, the seeking and processing did take place in the mind but the recognition came from somewhere beyond the mind. At some point, I had to go beyond my thoughts and feel the thought “I do not exist”. Feel how this statement could be possible and that lead me to new way of seeing, not just with my mind’s thoughts. Not sure I’m making much sense here or am of any help. Wish I could but I tend to let go of most of my experiences and not give them much thought.

        1. Kaushik Post author

          Masi, yes, that too is my experience, that striving takes place in the mind, but insight comes from somewhere else. But it is also my experience, for example with the release method, that it takes a combination and striving and letting-it-be. Same with awareness–in the beginning, keeping a quiet mind can take quite bit of effort, but then it is utter relaxation.

          And so with insight to happen, it can take alternating scenarios of effort and letting-go.

          So I am not yet sure what it is in this case. I am not sure where I am. It makes sense that recognition already is, and the mind is getting in the way of it. It also makes sense that I will never have this recognition. I cannot understand or strive for it. A recognition just sort of hangs, from a place that is not the mind, as you point out. That makes sense because that has been my experience.

          It also makes sense that for this sort of recognition, all the faculties have to be present. It is not clarity of mind or awareness, but an active mind which sees.

          That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

          1. Yvonne

            First, Kaushik, thank you so much for sharing this experience, and to everyone else who has commented. Reading this dialogue and the one between you and Ralph – it’s hard to express, but I suppose it’s just great to see my own processes mirrored – especially as I’ve been having a challenging day.

            Somewhere in these dialogues you say that there may already be a recognition but reaching for it is getting in the way, and Ralph says you already are that recognition. That is what I have been trying to say too. I think perhaps because of knowing about people like Tolle, Bryon Katie etc who have a spontaneous awakening and then appear to experience this continuously ever since, there is a tendency among some of us to assume that (a) this is the only form of awakening that is real. and (b) actually I can’t remember what (b) was, so it probably was of no importance! 🙂
            Okay, that’s got me off my high-horse.

            All I really wanted to write was that, if you’re anything like me, you have had moments of no-self and you are just ignoring or discounting them because it hasn’t led to a continuous experience, and so you keep searching for this elusive goal. For a start, presumably you felt that way as a baby didn’t you? And does remembering or not remembering make it any less real? The sense, the experience – I can’t find the word – the knowing (?) is there all the time. I can feel it now, because I’m writing this, and in a few moments I will probably go back to my family and get in a knot because someone has spilt jam over the floor – that doesn’t stop the knowing, it’s just that sometimes I choose to ignore it because old patterns and programmes seem more pressing somehow. And neither Tolle nor BK tried to get enlightened, they both got so fed up of suffering that somehow it happened. Seems like maybe you and I still enjoy our suffering too much!

            Oh, and one last thing, another Sedona question I’m afraid: Could you let go of wanting to figure it out?! Could you rest as that which needs no knowing to be?

            love Yvonne

            1. Kaushik Post author

              Hi Yvonne,
              Yes, there is some complicated interplay going on there between the energies of striving and the recognition that is already and always has been. It just has to play itself out. Like you point out, we do all feel the no-self at times. It’s hard to capture these moments. And, ironically, these spontaneous moments can happen less and less while we’re striving or inquiring, because of course then we’re in the mood to try to make sense of our inner experience, and this makes the experience different.

              There’s a lot going on. The actual inquiry, thoughts about the inquiry, reporting the experience of the inquiry, discussing…in all of this there is an interesting interplay of energies.

              Letting of wanting to figure it out? Yes, that’s good…

              with love,
              k

    2. Masi

      Yes, completely agreed. But could it be possible that because your ego/mind knows that you’re striving it’s put up a very good defense front for you? It can get trciky when the ego mind finds out we’re striving and wanting something so desperately. I find the ego mind becomes ruthless and very very sneaky with its hold on us… that’s when everyone starts to see it except ourselves.

      “to be free you must let go of all the stuck energy that keeps sending out the same messages”

    3. Masi

      You are already it. You will realize this once your mind lets its guards down completely, and then it will click 😉

      It’s my birthday today!! Happy Birthday to me 🙂

      love you all xoxo

  3. Yvonne

    Hi Kaushik,

    You write:
    “26. I’m not taking this personally enough. I’m looking at this in an abstract way. There is thinking and I say it is thinking but it is not my thinking. That put distance between me and thinking. It made it abstract–the delusion of me still solidly here, but now separated. Hard to explain, but basically I’m not taking this personally enough. Just abstracting it.
    It’s as if I can’t get a hold of problem to see this through in. I have to peel this differently and take personally, not in the abstract, but here in real life.”

    This is very interesting. Since conventional psychology tends to like taking things personally with depression, the general conclusion would be that not taking things personally should make one feel better. With this in mind your observation might seem almost counter-intuitive, yet The Sedona Method has a new-ish process (called the Triple Welcoming) where you welcome your issue, reactions, attachments and aversions, and then any sense that it is personal, that it is you or about you.
    This process is a way of releasing both the reactions and the sense of ‘me’, and I find it very effective. Just welcoming it often leads to a spontaneous dissolving. (And sometimes it feels so personal that I resist that dissolving at first, and I can also welcome that resistance.) I absolutely love the process. Peace regularly breaks out when using it!

    In my humble (and often confused) opinion, you’re onto something here!!

    This is a link to an article on the Triple W if you want to read more.
    http://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=sites&srcid=ZGVmYXVsdGRvbWFpbnxkZWJpYmlyZHxneDo0MjQxNzRkMTcwNmJjMTRj

      1. Kaushik Post author

        Hi Yvonne,

        The motivation behind this website and my journey was to find some relief from anxiety and depression. And I succeeded with that. After some fooling around, I settled on practices of Awareness and Release. The release method I have here is similar to Sedona’s release–I would say mine is more direct and simpler. I’ve been able to release all anxiety. And depression has not left me completely, but I would say that feelings of futility and deep sadness that come with depression are gone.

        You’re right–some people say that depression is taking things too personally. Another way to say this that depression is emotions, particularly rage, turned inward. That resonates, though it’s probably an oversimplification of depression.

        I’ll check out Sedona’s new method. Sounds interesting–thanks for the link.

        What I’m doing here is an exploration which is different from what I’ve been doing for four years. The practices of awareness and release have been very helpful, for example with depression and anxiety. But what I really want is Truth. The truth of being. My intuition is that at our most natural, we are happy and flowing creatures. We’ve forgotten this probably because we have created a false sense of me. And this is my reason for wanting awakening.

        Can awareness and release–that is clarity of mind and the letting go of anxieties–lead to awakening? I don’t know but looking around I see many people who do many things for many decades without awakening. Many people meditate, practice spirituality, practice Buddhism, philosophize and so on, without really awakening.

        That tells me that either Awakening is a rare event which requires luck or grace, or that we just haven’t discovered a very direct method of awakening. The second is a tantalizing possibility and that is what I’m exploring.

        I’m doing the exploration here in real-time–trying to report authentically as experience unfolds.

        This inquiry is going well. In a short time, I’ve understood a number of things much better about my inner world.

        So when I said I am not taking this personally enough, I meant that with the practice of releasing, I’ve become pretty good at releasing instantly. When an emotion like anxiety or worry shows up, I can pretty much instantly let it go. In real life, this is a good thing. For this inquiry however I react too quickly. I get into a calm, quiet state and it doesn’t allow me to see what’s really going on. So then the inquiry continues in an abstract, philosophical sort of way. It’s hard for me to explain this.

        Thanks Yvonne for your wonderful contribution here!

        I hope you’re well!

        love and peace,
        k

  4. Philip

    If the ‘I’ is a phantom then what does it matter if you realise it exists or not. If it has no existence it cannot effect anything, it cannot do any harm, or good for that matter, it’s nothing. To be liberated from the infection of the false sense or belief in ‘you’ is what? What does it do for you? Why is it necessary?
    Ok I acknowledge that there is no ‘I’……….Nothing has changed, it all feels the same. If the problem is self- consciousness, belief in the ‘I’ then surely unbelief is the answer, which is what I am doing.
    Kaushik… Brilliant point form expression, I love it, I am in exactly the same place. The ruthless truth arena has allowed me to see the edge, but I don’t know how to or don’t seem to have the COURAGE TO JUMP………Yet!
    As they say in the RTF stick with it.

    I like Ralp’s comment the search for recognition may be a block or a distraction.
    You are doing good work here K you introduce me to it. Thank you….

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Philip, I’m so very glad that you’re actually doing this. That’s really the only way to discover. Reading about this and conceptually turning it over in the mind probably has some value, but it’s nothing like actually doing it.

      Yes, I think Ralph is onto something. The seeking of recognition may be the block.

      Thanks for all your contributions here, Philip.

      I hope you are well!

      light and peace,
      k

  5. Janice R.

    Mr. K.,
    I really love you. Not in a romantic way, just in case you are looking out your window, I am not in your driveway.
    You have given me so much understanding and support I could never explain what you and your willingness to share has brought to me. When Masi says, my words are not enough, I think go back and read some of the stuff I have submitted on this site, my words are totally confusing most of the time. Masi your words are Love, with an uppercase L. The point is I could of never said and wrote the stuff I have shared here without your acceptance of where I am at any given moment.
    I accept you at exactly the place you are at. This exact moment, I accept you has you and I have great respect for where your have been and where you are in this journey.
    Love to All,
    Janice

  6. Philip

    K just some random ‘thoughts’…

    The I’s have it. ‘My’ story of ‘I’.
    I is fighting for survival, Why? Because it has convinced the mind that it is real, no the mind has convinced itself that it is real. But if it’s real how can it do any fighting. What is fighting is the faculty that took it on. The ‘I’ is just a thought lodged in or passing through something else. I-ness is referred in every thought. The ‘I’-thought/mind is uncomfortable, the I-thought/mind is fearful, the I-thought/mind is protective of it’s self. The I-thought/mind has limits.
    The I-thought/mind is offended, something is challenging I-thought/mind. I-thought/mind is on a roll, everything inside and out is supporting it. The world supports I-thought/mind. Ownership and authorship are attributes, of the I-thought/mind. Looking into it deeply the ‘I’ appears only at best as a dimensionless point in a vast endless expanse, but I-thought/mind has given it ‘I’substance and sustenance.
    When the light or attention or awareness of deep looking is shone on ‘I’-thought/mind there appears to be a little space around it, it does not impose quite so closely on the organism. One feels a little lighter, less burdened by the heavy ‘self’.

    The thing about all this is that it is not as intellectual, high mind as you first think or some people seem want to make it. It really is at the level of doing a good shit, It just simple body function. The mind/brain has taken on this thing and assumed something and incorporated it into the programme. Just as the body takes in food sucks out the ‘goodness’ then shits it out the other end, the brain has confused ‘I’-ness with simple uniqueness and bound this into its operational package as ‘I’-thought/mind.
    ‘I’-ness is planted in the mind like some sort of parasite transforming the host-mind into its own programme of ‘me’-ness. This blocks the full flourish and inflow of universal consciousness.
    There is uniqueness but ‘I’-ness is something else. It exists nowhere else in the universe. ‘I’-ness cannot existing within consciousness because it is contrary to it’s nature, there is no ‘I’-ness in consciousness. What drives minds to argue for ‘I’-ness is the fear of losing ‘I’-ness within the processes of the mind, this is just a normal instinctive reaction to the perceived loss of something, even though the original premise was false and fictitious. If you really look at it ‘I’-ness is an attempt to claim something, to own something when in real terms nothing can be owned in any sense beyond a relative relationship convention, ie ‘I’ own this car.

    Cheers Philip

    1. Kaushik Post author

      “The I-thought/mind is offended…”

      This is interesting. I have had this vague feeling of shame. Shame isn’t right, but something like it. The shame of the impostor. I don’t want to overstate it.

      “Ownership and authorship…”

      Yes, the same here, I look at things I own very differently. Holding a coffee cup, or this computer etc…There was different feeling of ownership before.

      “When the light or attention or awareness of deep looking is shone on ‘I’-thought/mind there appears to be a little space around it…”

      Yeah, all the time, maybe too much. I tend to get into a state of meditative awareness, where the mind is quiet, the body is quiet. and there is nothing. Then I wonder where to go from here?

      “…just a normal instinctive reaction to the perceived loss of something…”

      This shows up as a feeling of heaviness.

      “The thing about all this is that it is not as intellectual, high mind as you first think or some people seem want to make it. ”

      Yes, exactly. It’s not an intellectual looking. From what some people said, I was doing this as if solving a puzzle, like scrabble, or “doing the math.” It’s not. It’s a looking, a normal sort of looking, like looking at this computer screen, but looking inside.

  7. Saraj

    Ok, I’m going to step out and ask – have you ever considered psychic possibilities? The force that pushed me onto my path of awakening was realizing that at times my feelings were coming from someone else. Anger can be caught like a radio wave. Sure, I can release this anger like a human air filter. But it is very welcoming to not have to own the feeling or the reception of it. I own my actions. I am not bad if I feel bad. I am not recognition, which is only a concept. I am part of a greater whole that is in constant communication and creation. I have will to engage or disengage from particular communications. There a lots of implications to this. But I am not interested in beliefs. This has been my experience. Not quit as orderly put as yours but honest nonetheless. If you try to personalize or own what you experience you cannot allow for the unknown experiences to become known. This is evolution at work. We have more than five senses. Don’t bind yourself unnecessarily.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      I don’t know how the universe works so I am completely open to all possibilities. What drove me to awakening was depression and anxiety, what keeps me here is the sometimes-feeling that I’m an impostor. You know what I mean? Many of us carry with us this vague, small feeling of shame. It comes from thinking that we are not who we think we are, but everyone else must be, because they pretend so well. We feel that because we really are not who we think we are. And as there has been a greater and greater awakening in the last four years, there has been increasing dissatisfaction with the delusion. In fact, depression may be the very rational response to this dissatisfaction.

      I’m open to psychic and channeling energies, though no experience has manifested along those lines, or at least I have not been sensitive enough.

      Having said that, there was a time when an Indian guy who can read palms made for a pretty good way to meet women in bars. 🙂

      1. Sarah

        I came across a quote and I don’t have the book in front of me now, but I find it relevant to my thoughts on this as I keep thinking of your instruction to yourself: “I need to take this more personally.”

        Imagine scientists today find the first orange. They use all available tools to probe its existence. But they fail to taste, feel, smell or otherwise engage with the orange least they lose their objectivity. That approach would leave us with a very poor understanding of an orange, no?

        As a species, we are fixated on the external measure of things. We assume that aliens are “extra-terrestrials” and that engaging with alternate consciousness requires physical travel. In my experience, this is a narrow view.

        We do all – and I mean all – experience alternate states of consciousness. Dreaming is one of the most socially acceptable and shared experiences of this type of experience. But dreams aren’t “real” just as the orange, in the quote I referred to, is not to be tasted.

        Consciousness travels and communicates. That is why the first step on the path of awakening is to dis-identify yourself from a personalized consciousness. If you believe that you are an autonomous, externalized, independent creation, you do experience alienation, fear, and depression. And you also fail to give legitimacy to what are quite legitimate experiences.

        The truth is that you do exist, but not the in manner you have been conditioned to “believe.” And the Truth exists independent of belief.

        Good luck on your pursuit. I appreciate being a part of your journey.

        1. Kaushik Post author

          All you say resonates.

          What I meant by personally is real life. The tendency is to inquire in the abstract, like some sort of philosophical inquiry. This really should be here, now, in real life, not in a hypothetical space. Your orange example is spot on!

          I’m reading Jed McKenna as I do this. He’s very direct, cuts right through. Like you, he recommends Seth. I’ll check that out too.

          Thanks for your open sharing!

          love and peace,
          k

  8. Ciaran

    You are so close, you may well even be there. I keep banging on about this, but just the truth of things. That’s all.

    You still seem to be working with evidence, like a man building a picture of what colour pants he’s got on from reflections in shop windows and the reactions of others. Just look down, look at your pants.

    Just look – look at your life. It there a you there? That’s it man, just that. Just look at your life. Is there a you?

    1. Kaushik Post author

      “…you may well even be there…”

      I wonder about that. The resistance is not real, and yet it’s here. Thanks for your help and pushing–I will have time to look at this hard over Thanksgiving.

  9. Philip

    Wow the great Ciaran posted on your site Kaushik. How does it feel?
    I’ve pushed the ‘you don’t exist’ on that site and I still don’t fully click it.
    Maybe I’m unclickable.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hehe, we’re clickable.

      In doing this inquiry, in actually doing it and not just talking about it, there is a new level of authenticity. Do you feel that? Self-honesty rises. So it’s well worth the trouble to keep going. Besides you couldn’t stop now if you wanted to.

      The desire to click must be watched. It can’t be suppressed, because that’s just another desire. It can be watched. And an understanding comes about.

      That’s about where I am. Watching. Continuing.

  10. Philip

    HI K,

    How is it going? Have you crossed over yet? I am in that horrible stalemate state of lucid moments of insight without the final push. I read an interesting post from a blogger called Dreamer that you may find interesting.

    “The realization of no self is the recognition of the pattern of the mind to take ownership of everything in life. Once the pattern is seen, it cannot be unseen. This is the basis for the deeper and abiding seeing to begin.

    Once the mind knows that the individual is an illusion, all thoughts and beliefs can be questioned and dismissed in the same way that the self was seen for what it was. ”

    Keep looking!

    Cheers Philip

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hey Philip,
      Same place as you, except I don’t characterize it as horrible. You probably don’t either. It’s fine. There is no frustration. It is exactly as it should be. Even though the recognition has not dawned, there are great insights. I plan to write about where I am today.

      Dreamer’s quotation is resonant. It’s as if the recognition is already there in lucid moments, but then the mind takes ownership, and sometimes this is not seen, sometimes it is. All thoughts and beliefs are dismissed, but sometimes not right away.

      Yes, indeed, keep noticing!

      light,
      k

  11. Janice R.

    Hi Mr. K.,
    I am anxious to read your journaling/blog/article, whatever you are willing to share.
    Love to all,
    Janice

  12. navee Juman

    # What is it that I know for sure?
    # There is existence.
    # Not: I exist. Only: there is existence.
    # I do not exist.

    My experience is different. I cannot really say there is existence. Only thing for sure for me is that there is experiencing. I could infer existence from experience but that is not direct knowledge.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Existence is direct knowledge. It is possible for experience to be a delusion, but it is not possible for existence to be a delusion. Existence is prior and certain.

      Anyway, this is not a philosophical inquiry. Philosophy is ideas about truth. This is truth itself. It’s very simple.

      There is existence. It’s just not your existence.

      Take a look at that.

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