Why Am I Writing This?


You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” -Morpheus to Neo in the movie The Matrix.

I am writing this as notes to myself in case I am ever again in a weird place or time.

You may be interested because you are suffering right now, or you are on a “spiritual” path, or you want to know your true self, or you are interested in consciousness, or you want to make your life work better, or you want to be free, or you don’t want your life to unfold in the same mechanical cycles it always has, or you want to be healthier. Many of us have eager desires for money, power, health, a better ‘you’, or the perfect partner, better sex, looking younger, or even the the noble purpose of helping to save the world. All these intentions are ultimately to know the Truth of existence.

You may feel that humanity is insane and there is no hope. You couldn’t be blamed for thinking this. The insanity shows up everyday in the way we treat others and the way we kill our own kind, and in our cruelty to animals and earth. We’ve come to think of this insanity as normal. We foster and ignore starvation. The insanity shows up conspicously in the way that we live our everyday lives.

Yet, there is a little bit of hope in the hundredth monkey. Gandhi said be the change you want to see in the world.

Humanity’s only salvation is your own awakening.

My interest started because I had been in depression for twenty years and was tired of my life not working. I went deeper because I realized that the mind is the obstacle to living in natural flow. I was motivated by success.

Now, the only motivation is Truth itself.

I don’t want to say these are spiritual writings. The word ‘spirtuality’ is full of various meanings. The process of experiencing Truth and the joy of being are right here, right now. Spirituality assumes that we are not already naturally spiritual, and spirituality can become an identity, a thing, an achievement, or self-development. It’s not a bad identity-it’s very validating-a spiritual person is validated by the thought that she is sensitive, caring, and has found higher purpose than the rest of humanity. Spirituality has all the same traps as any other -ity, -ism and -ist. All well and good, but joy and peace are far simpler than the complicated movements of spirituality or religion.

I don’t want to say this is self-help or self-improvement. Implicit in self-improvement is the idea that we don’t already have all we need to be perfect.

I hope these notes take all the fluff out of spirituality and all the pushiness out self-help.

Non-duality, Zen, Advaita, Tao and the like are fine in that they try to be clean of fluff. If you explore them you might come to believe that the non-dualists are rather too clever, avoiding the use personal pronouns, and talking in incomprehensible riddles. Nevertheless, I’ve found them very useful. It’s interesting about this process that something that at one time seemed like a paradox suddenly becomes clear down the road, in a way that can’t be explained.

Also don’t confuse this with new-age mental gymnastics such as the Law of Attraction or “The Secret”. There is nothing right or wrong if you want to play that game. But those models are based on belief and concepts around desire, and they are not any different from our current model of desire and fear. There isn’t anything right or wrong with any of these models. Play the games of “The Secret” or the Law of Attraction or spirituality or self-help or the God-game if you want. All of these methods are about creating a better you, a more spiritually-developed you, a you that has more, is different, is somewhere else. These are about expectations and goals and desires and future, and about adapting beliefs and spending our energies into reinforcing and defending beliefs. My feeling is that without having realized our true nature, all of these models spin us around in the same miserable circles.

The message is simple. I am not a teacher. I am not ‘awakened.’ These are notes about flowing into Awareness and the joy of being, based only on direct experience. The best thing you can do for yourself is to have a healthy skepticism, and don’t believe anything, but instead try it and see for yourself.

And, perhaps together, we can find the red pill of awakening.

2 thoughts on “Why Am I Writing This?

  1. dan

    I am a psyche RN with about 40 years searching for some meaning in militant fundamental Christianity and Stumbled Upon your article on the red/blue matrix left a comment there and looked at some of your other articles. I just wanted to say in your short posts you have cut through some of the religious fog called “spirituality” I have experienced in writing. Though an American I never owned a TV set until 50 years old and read a 200 or 300 page book a day for most of my life, not to feed your ego, if you will kindly permit me to state considering this article’s premise. Do you still struggle with depression? (This is not a clinical / on the couch question or is it meant to be a judgement from my ego. It comes from an earnest 54 year old child’s heart).
    I lead the music and have done so for 25 plus years at a local baptist church, and as a hobby collect old hymnals. One of the books I have collected in my short life on earth is a hymnal by Father William Frederick Faber. This book has impacted my life probably more than any other book short of the sacred scriptures.
    Thanks again for your blog! 🙂

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Dan,

      It’s good to have you here.

      You’re commenting on articles I had written long ago and I don’t really remember what I was thinking then.

      You are right about spirituality–it has the answer but there is so much built up around it that it ahs become a muddy muddled place.

      I don’t own a TV right now–but that’s just the way things have turned out; it’s not a spiritual practice or anything. I’ve moved around a bit recently and have not fully set up my house yet. I haven’t had a TV for many months and haven’t missed it enough to get one–but I also think I will get one soon.

      I do not experience depression in the way I used to. I don’t feel the pyschology of futility and nihilism and suffering which come with depression. However, to be clear, I do experience some of physical symptoms of depression like insomnia and low energy.

      If you read the more recent articles, you will find that what I think now is what’s wrong is a small thing and it’s wrong with all of us. It is the fear of the life–which is an entire context of mind. The mind looks at life with the belief that something is wrong.

      The cure for it is to look at you, in the way John Sherman suggests.

      Thanks, Dan.


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