A few days ago a reader alerted me that something was wrong with this site. It was behaving erratically. After fooling with it a bit, I decided it was time for a change anyway.

I’ve been writing here for about four years now.

Recently much has changed. I feel settled, easy. I believe there is really only one problem–and that is the delusion of fear. That recognition feels very big to me–with it, all the frantic energy of the last six or seven years that I spent in seeking an answer left me with a whoosh.

And so that something went wrong with site felt right. I cleaned up and simplified the site. I’ll continue to work on the site as time permits. I want to of course preserve what has already been said here and all the wonderful comments, and I want to convey the simplicity that the basic problem is a delusion brought about by fear, and the solution is to observe.


15 thoughts on “Update

  1. Peter

    Hi K, first time ever that i have responded to any blog, I feel you doing great work. Your honesty and ability to speak from personal trials has been far more rewarding then reading through volumes and volumes of any recognized guru. Your blog is real and makes me feel the same accepting the good the bad and the ugly, its personal and there is no ambiguity. Keep writing, you helping a lot more people than you think.


    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Peter,

      Thank you for saying that. Honesty is difficult sometimes–it’s a mental process and so it’s not always reliable.

      I hope I did not give the impression that I plan to stop writing. I just feel that a settling has happened, and this convinces me more that the basic problem is the orientation of a fearful mind which believe that something is wrong with life, and convinces me that looking at you has some effect.

      With this settling, the ideas for articles have slowed down. What I have to say is very simple now.

      But I do plan to keep writing, and to listen to the comments here, and I think when time permits I’ll set up a forum, which might be a good way for others to speak of their experience.

      Thanks Peter.


  2. Philip

    Hey Kaushik,

    Nice to hear there is ease and a settling of things. When you refer to fear do you trace back and examine what you mean by fear? Ultimately fear is an experience in the body we label as uncomfortable, unpleasant and a feeling that should be avoided or gotten rid of. We associated it with an external stimuli or an internal memory triggered by an external event and thus see it as a “problem”. Whether you say fear is a delusion or not makes no difference the reality we are dealing with is still only the knowing of some experience directly, you could say the whole world is an illusion because all you really can be sure of is the simple knowing of this experience right now the rest is conjecture and put together or interpreted by the delivery system, some call mind. So while you are referring to or believing this experience you call fear is a problem the very fact that it is believed to be a problem is the sticking point. How can there be problems, who can really decide what a problem is and what is not.
    Really it’s all just something appearing and being experienced in this eternal moment (sure within the relative enclosure of this experience it is useful to judge and label things as problems, that’s the dualistic nature of this appearance) in this enquiry thought we are looking for direct evidence at the coal face of what is known before the language or labelling begins. There is only the ‘Knowing’ of this as experience that’s all that can be said, problem or no problem the knowing is always knowing, that’s where my ease comes in because there is no getting to or from anything. The character/mind/body/ Philip is known as a flicker of light on the movie screen, when seen the images looks like and is believed to be a separate independent entity (of course it does that’s the power of the creative, Maya) but infact it is still only the screen that is seen and also when the movie moves on there is still only the screen. The character appears to have a life with drama and problems and it’s all very enjoyable to watch but it’s still the screen. So I relax and en-JOY the movie while it lasts.

    Cheers Philip

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Philip,

      Good to hear from you.

      You are of course right. Fear is just body sensations. Sometimes the sensations loop with memories or mental activity or external stimuli. Essentially the release technique I talk about here can help us see that.

      But when I refer to fear of life, I’m saying something different. It isn’t the fear which is a problem; it’s the effect of an early fear on the mind which creates a context of mind in which the mind believes that something is wrong with life. The mind takes on a sideways orientation to life; holding life at bay, defending it, separating it, being afraid of it. I think this is what the Buddha had meant by dukkha (off-centeredness).

      The looking which John Sherman suggests, which is nothing more than just looking at you, just noticing self-existence, in my experience, does do something about this mis-orientation of the mind. I don’t yet completely understand the mechanics of it. Though I do understand that all of it is mechanical. We have very little control over it. It seems to me that the control we have–if any–is the ability to notice and look.

      Fear is probably not the right word for this. But fear is such a common and frequent experience for most people and so perhaps for that reason it may be a good word to use for this.


  3. Michelle

    Hi K, good to see an update from you! I’ve never posted before but have been an avid follower. I came across your site about a year ago and it really helped me – even just to know that others are experiencing the same “dramas” with life. I started following the work of John Sherman because of reading your blog and it has really helped me, so thank you!!

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Michelle,

      Thank you!

      On a recommendation from someone here, I started listening to “Converstations with God” by Neal Walsch. It’s not the kind of title which would interest me. But am riveted–it makes a lot of sense to me and I find myself listening to it over and over. When I think I have processed it I will write about it here.

      Thanks for the encouragement!


      1. Michelle

        Thanks for the recommendation! You have not led me astray yet 🙂
        I will look forward to reading your post about it.
        Cheers, Michelle

        1. Jen

          I’m also looking forward to your thoughts about the Conversations with God book/s. I read them quite a long time ago and at the time, they had a big impact on me. But when I tried to re-read one several years later, it didn’t hold my interest and I realized that I must have changed.

          1. Kaushik Post author

            Hi Jen,

            That’s interesting. I am actually listening to the books. I also got the written version, and generally I like to read, but in this case I find the listening more enjoyable.

            What I really like about CWG is that what is said can actually be tested. My approach has been to take ideas (from Tolle, JMK, Sherman, etc) and try to actually experience them, actually test them, and I find the ideas presented in CWG, mostly, are testable.


            1. Jen

              Hi K,
              I also prefer listening, its more relaxing. Is there any specific idea from CWG you are testing at the moment?

              1. Kaushik Post author

                Several things. I have not fully processed the CWG–everytime I listen I pick up something new.

                The idea that we create our own reality through our thoughts is something I can test. Clearly this is not new–the law of attraction is about that but I did not at all resonate with that version of the idea. JMK says a bit about it. And others have as well. I found the explanation of this in CWG reverberating. And something I can test. I hold the thought “I love life” and “I am very grateful for this life.” I think this because I think it is already true for all of us. Every human being loves the experience of life because they have created the experience of life–if one is true the other must be true. And so these thoughts are authentic and therefore good to test with. My results are good–but I have not enough experience of it yet.

                Another idea which I am testing is that of following my highest feeling.

                I think I like CWG because it confirms my paradigm of awakening. It seems to me that the process of becoming more conscious is a process of idea-experience-feeling. We get ideas from CWG, JMK, Sherman, Tolle, and many others. I take an idea and test it in my own experience and I use my feelings to check alignment. And the process repeats with another idea.

                This is how it’s gone over the last few years. I think there was a critical point about two years ago. Prior to that this process felt compulsive, obsessive, and I saw it as messing up my external life, something that was not enjoyable but it was compelling. After that, I see this process as very enjoyable, as my purpose, as life itself.

                Sorry, my thoughts about this are bit jumbled. It will take some time to put this in clear perspective.


                1. Jen

                  Thank you for explaining, it made sense, not jumbled at all. I had actually forgotten most of the content of CWG, just remembering that they were in the format of channeled material and that was the first time I had encountered something like that. Its interesting that the idea of manifesting reality through our thoughts has not resonated with you until now. I’m wondering if its more of a timing thing, or presentation.

                  Its good to read that you are doing well and you seem very happy and peaceful in your life.

                  I’m still going through difficulties. Healing trauma and integrating. Not as much fear as last year, but incredible fatigue, physical symptoms and lack of purpose or direction. I can’t go back to life as it was before, but I can’t see beyond the present moment, so this is where I find myself and often it feels like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, but not all the time, there are glimmers of light occasionally.

                  After a huge shift in perspective, reality is now something quite different from what I could have imagined and its like I have a lot of layers which need to become aligned. Not sure if that makes sense, but its not easy to put into words.

                  I’m finding that Adyashanti post awakening material is resonating with me at the moment.


                  1. Kaushik Post author

                    Well, when I first ran across the idea that thought creates reality, I felt that it’s a pretty good hypothesis. But I had some mental resistance to the suggestion that starving children and other sufferers have created their circumstances, and it just didn’t seem to be true in my reality that thoughts create reality. And I saw that material like “The Secret” was actually making people whacky, hehe, afraid that the universe will punish them for thinking or saying certain things.

                    In any case, I felt I could not test this authentically because I was not clear at that time.

                    I am more clear now. And the way it is presented in the CWG made sense to me. It’s still a hypothesis to me, but now one which I have some confidence in because of actual experience. And I recognize that if it is true that we choose our reality with our operative thoughts, then it is true that if I think thoughts do not create reality will give me that very experience. And it is true that if I want something, I will have the experience of wanting.

                    So to test this, it is more about choosing in gratitude and faith than it is about wanting. It’s easier to see this in inner experience. Everything in us comes from either love or from fear–and so to the extent I can, I choose love, and when I can’t, I make peace with fear. I am grateful for the mysterious experience of life. This is what I am testing.

                    It’s good to hear you are enjoying Adyashanti. I have not read that particular book. This process seems to be a process of idea-experience-feeling. We get ideas from people like Adya, Sherman, CWG and others and life itself. We see the truth of it in our own experience. We use feeling to gauge alignment. And often, it feels scary, confused, free-falling. It’s hard to reconcile what’s going on inside with the demands of practical life. Still, what we need next seems to pop up. At some point, I recognized this and now enjoy the whole the process without worrying about the eventual outcome. Mostly.


  4. Kate

    Hi K,

    It’s interesting that you’re reading the book “Conversations with God”. I haven’t read it but, from the description, it seems that he is doing channeling. Part of my spiritual journey has been a psychic opening. Now, two years down the line, I no longer doubt that we are not alone–and I’m not talking about aliens.

    I often wonder why my path from atheist to God has taken this road. I’m not very New Age. Maybe it’s because, as a computer engineer, I’m so analytical and probably could never have believed in anything non physical. What happens to me is physical, just a very subtle form of it. I started feeling energies around me as touches, vibrations, hot and cold, etc.. It developed from there.

    I don’t see Spirit all the time, only when I chose too. Sometimes, though, a particular one–usually a deceased relative–will bring their presence to my awareness.

    The other day, for instance, I was getting Botox (very spiritual, I know, but I just turned 50 LOL) when I saw the doctor’s grandmother with him. I sensed he was in emotional pain and she wanted to comfort him. So, without knowing what his beliefs are, I started to describe her–how she looks, her personality, her character, their relationship, and some details of her life. She then said to him “Be patient.” He was surprised and told me that, years back, his marriage had been in trouble, His wife had had a dream in which this grandmother had come to her and said, “Be patient.” I can feel when the person, in spite of their mind, KNOWS in their heart that this is real. His grandmother went on to give him some support and comfort on a current situation–I didn’t ask what, I just shared what she told me.

    I asked my spiritual teachers what it meant for them to care for us. The answer was long but, basically, they said that they don’t experience emotion like we do. They are in a state of quiet joy. That does not mean that they are indifferent to our suffering–they just see the bigger picture. They are very involved. We came here to learn certain things and they love, guide and support us in this. We, sometimes, have to ask for their help as they aren’t here to interfere with our free will.

    Today, I was on a cross country road trip to see my kids and I was struggling emotionally, mostly due to lack of sleep and hormones. I felt very disconnected from Spirit and asked them to show me a sign that I wasn’t all alone. The depression was kicking in. The long hours alone in the car were allowing my mind to get the better of me. I eventually decided to get some sleep but it meant making very little progress on my journey. I called my daughter and said that I was giving up for the day. I then turned my cell phone to silent and tried to get to sleep.

    The hotel’s phone rang. Nobody knew where I was staying and nobody was on the line. I looked at the clock. It said 4:44. 444 is a sign that the angels are with you and are trying to reach you. I looked at my phone and saw that my daughter had called a few times a minute earlier. She said she and my son had decided that I needed help so he was flying out to meet me to help me with the driving and provide company. How’s that for love–on both planes?

    I am mostly through the spiritual crisis but not at the end of the journey. I’m not sure it does end although it seems to get easier. K, you say that fear of life is your stumbling block. Mine is fear of being alone, of being unloved, of being abandoned. Trusting in God, in Spirit, has been a huge act of courage of my part, one that is ongoing. I recently realized that Life is God. When we resist life, we resist God. So, maybe you’re right–it does come down to fearing life. Self love seems to a huge part of my solution. How has that featured in your journey?

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Kate,

      What a beautiful story, about your kids sensing that you wanted help. Not long ago I probably would have dismissed the psychic stuff. Not that I didn’t think it was possible. I don’t know how the universe works–psychic energies, nde and so on may very well be possible, but it didn’t really fit in my world view.

      I see it differently now. It’s similar to what you say about resistance to life and God. I picked up on this from “Conversations with God.” I still don’t know if it is true that we are individuated expressions of God, we are eternal, and we are love, we are in the physical universe so that we may experience. Experience is not good or bad–only the judgment of it makes it good or bad. We are love; and we can know love but its opposite, which is fear, must exist so that love may be a thing which can be experienced, which can be chosen.

      If seen this way, can fear remain?

      I don’t know, but it is a thing I can test out. I don’t have much clarity about this yet–I’m still processing.

      On self-love, the CWG covers this as well, in the context of relationships. It talks about loving the self as the most important thing we can do. Then we are loving, growing, finding the best expression of ourselves, in relation to someone or something else. It can seem almost counter-intuitive, because we are taught the opposite.

      Thank you, Kate.


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