I did the same–I wrote for myself for a long time before I started the blog. Writing gives us another mechanism to grow. The human mind is not always the best place to look from. Writing gives us the ability to look at arm’s length, which can sometimes be valuable.
Atheism is interesting. It’s a trend now–many younger people resonate with it, which is not a bad thing, and it may actually balance some of the craziness of religious beliefs. But atheism is the polar opposite of theism, and neither is about the exploration of truth.
Spirituality is not the answer either. From what I see, people fall into the trap of using spiritual identities and beliefs to avoid looking inside. These particular egos are very difficult for me to be around, as Jed Mckenna says, they can be particularly “offputting.” There’s no question that a spiritual identity is very validating–but it too is another form of hiding, of running away. It is not the exploration of truth.
I understand and empathize with where you are right now. The place you’re in is a place of of low-energy, resistance. There is confusion and doubt. Will this ever end, is this as good as it gets, is this what awakening is really about. I was better off living completely in delusion.
It’s just a mental state–and by saying just I’m not being dismissive. Depression, even spiritual depression and the dark night, which is rarely just one intense night, is a form of self-hatred. That may sound harsh but look into it. It’s not at all surprising that we go through this. Most human beings seem to be completely okay living in their delusions. So when you have the insight that there is something amiss with this picture, even if it is not an overt insight, it becomes harder and harder to pretend. The usual motivations we used for success and fun fall away. It’s not surprising that we feel depression.
I think you’re doing the right things. Keep writing. Continue observing. Continue developing internal honesty. Learn to release. Don’t avoid the feelings–allow them completely, watch.
Expectations can be a problem. We set expectations and a timetable for ourselves. It doesn’t help that so many bloggers report blissful states, “inner peace and harmony” through their new-found spirituality or beliefs, because of course that’s their idea of spirituality and awakening.
But that’s not what awakening is. Awakening is dispelling of delusions, it’s the pursuit of truth. And if truth is the goal, then all we need is observance and honesty. It’s not necessarily an easy or comfortable process.
I think you’re doing great.