The sense of I AM

“So, you look. You bring your attention, for just a moment, to what it feels like to be you. Not to anything that you know to be the case, but to what it feels like to be you, just to touch it, just for a moment. And if you do that once, you’ll do it again, and again, until it has its way with you, until you are finished with not noticing yourself, until you are finished with the hatred of your life, with the fear of your life, with the dissatisfaction of your life. Until dissatisfaction itself reveals itself to be not a problem, not needing to be fixed, just part of the adventure, part of the tour. Sensation only.” John Sherman

If your goal is to be rid of the underlying fear of life then literally everything that you do and say and think and believe is beside the point.

What is it that we know for sure?

All I know is that there is existence and there is awareness of existence. That’s all I know for sure.

And I feel that life isn’t quite right. Instinctively I know that it should easier than it is. Why isn’t life quite right?

Well, because there is an underlying fear of life–an underlying, constant unrightness. I don’t know this the way I know that there is existence and awareness of existence. But it makes sense to me. There is an underlying fear, a lie, a lens through which we live life.

Those of us who recognize this will run to try to solve this problem in many ways. There is basic drive in all of us to solve this, to understand, and in many of us, this shows up as religion. But it doesn’t stop there–we also run to spirituality, analysis, philosophy, psychology, therapy, sudden enlightenment, transcendence, understanding, practices, meditation and all the rest of it.

We try our best to receive this understanding. We construct and maintain and defend an identity. We are always in the process of becoming.

And we follow some people we trust. Eckhart Tolle, Shankara, Buddha, Vedanta, tapas, sutras, Ramana, or some religious maniac, or some philosophy, political systems, and all the rest of it.

Has any of that really worked? We can look at all of human history or we can look at just span of our own lives, and ask this basic question. Have any of these endeavors worked?

Nisargadatta said he broke free of the this underlying unrightness of life by holding on to the sense of I AM. Ramana said that all you have to do is inquire “Who am I?”

When I first came cross these, I was confused by this simple thing they suggest. That’s because my head was full of ideas. I didn’t know what they were telling me to do. What I are they referring to? The ego? The false I? The True Self? The mind, thoughts, emotions, body?

I was also confused because I thought this was an investigation. The effort of inquiry didn’t scare me–I was pretty desperate then, willing to put in effort. But an inquiry–well, that requires figuring it out. I thought it would be some sort of unraveling, where I look at this and then that and then that, until delusions are cut away. I didn’t want to figure it out. That didn’t sound right to me.

I didn’t understand. Though it’s actually a very simple thing to understand.

And even a few months ago when I decided to go back to Nisargadatta and Ramana, this question bothered me. I explored what they said and explored what others said about them, and this question, that I have to sit down and figure it out, with an inquiry, with an investigation, bothered me.

John Sherman clarified it for me. It’s not about figuring it out. It’s about looking. Look at yourself. Period.

Ramana was not telling me to inquire. He was telling me to look at myself.

The you that you are is constant. It’s same you that you were when you were a baby. Thoughts, emotions, beliefs, ideas, practices, mental states–these are not constant, they come and they go.

These guys were simply telling me to look at my sense of me. Just look at, not look for anything in particular. The answer to “Who am I?” is not relevant. What’s relevant is just the looking at.

I suppose I came across John Sherman just at the right time.

I am in a place where releasing and awareness have achieved some success. I conduct my life with calm and peace, and I can release fears and anxiety very quickly. I have no confusion about what is right and wrong, and no confusion about the conflict between awakening and the practical demands of life. I don’t worry. All the worries about health and security and relationships and weight and addictions and future are gone. It’s not even that these problems are solved, it’s just that the thinking about them are gone.

It’s a pretty good place to be.

But.

But this is not freedom.

Because the constant low-level fear of life is not gone.

How do I know this? How do I now that this is just another state and not freedom? After all, it’s a pretty good state, very seductive.

I don’t really know how I know this. A month ago I would have said it’s because of humility and honesty. But now I realize that honesty is just another idea. It’s mental process which can and is easily subverted by the mind.

If we can’t rely on honesty, what can we rely on?

Well, it turns out we don’t have to rely on anything except ourselves. And since you are already you, that shouldn’t be very hard.

If I had listened to Nisargadatta and Ramana without my ideas I would have known what they were asking me to do was very simple. They were not telling me to inquire and unravel the mystery of life. They are were not asking me to absorb or give up any ideas or beliefs or practices. They were not telling me to look for anything.

They were saying just to look at yourself. Whatever my sense of me is, look/listen/feel that. I am here. Look at that. Just feel the sense of I, the sense of amness, the sense of I am, the sense of I am here.

John Sherman is particularly good at saying this. Check him out.

So, how do I know that this looking is effective?

I don’t know. I have to prove it or disprove to myself.

But it does make instinctive sense to me.

First, it’s all about me. What everything points to is me. All the teachings, arcane and new, bizarre and sensible, everything I do, say, think, my altruism, selfishness, everything, is about me. Suffering and depression is me. Happiness and compassion is me. Problems are me. Solutions are me.

Then, doesn’t it make sense to look at me?

Not the ego, not the mind, not awareness, not consciousness, not oneness, not presence, not persona. Not anything crazy-spiritual-mystical. Just me.

Also, I tried looking at me and very soon I felt agitated. That’s a pretty good sign that something is happening.

More, I’ve know for some time now that I have to do this for myself. You have to actually do this for yourself. Sure there is guidance out there. There is also a lot of mis-guidance. I have to rely on myself. I have to see for myself. No amount of practices or understanding will do it.

So if you have to to do it for yourself, it makes sense to start with you. You have to look at you for yourself.

Now this can scare the hell out of some people. The thought that I have to rely on myself can be frightening, because I don’t really understand anything and I don’t know where to start.

Yeah, maybe a little scary but also quite freeing. I don’t need to explore or understand or read more spiritual books, or practice other people’s practices, or the rest of it.

And here’s another thing I like about this looking. It’s consistent with my understanding that it all comes down to observance. I used to say it comes down to observance, willingness and honesty. But I realize now that willingness and honesty are just ideas, and completely beside the point.

So, how does this work, this looking at you. How do you start?

The word “look” brings up a visual connotation, but clearly you can’t look at you with your eyes. You look at you with your mind’s eye. Look, listen, feel, whatever makes sense to you, at yourself.

The word “at” is important because you are not trying to look for anything. You are not trying to discover the false self or ego or mind or  awareness or presence or oneness. You are not looking for the boundaries. (There really are no boundaries, there is no place where thoughts end and the mind begins, or the ego ends and awareness begins, or any such thing, but it’s also irrelevant if you see that or you don’t see that.)

You are just looking at the sense of you.

Is it hard? Is it effortful?

Yes, probably.

It wasn’t hard for me to start. Or you can see it another way and say it was very hard for me to start, because I didn’t start four years ago when I first came across it. What could be easier than looking inside to see what you already are? The actual starting of it can feel like effort.

“In all cases, in all practices, in all traditions, the inquiry is the end of the road. It is always the case. Everything leads to this. Everything leads to this only question that really matters, which is “What am I, really?” It is the only thing that really matters.” John Sherman

14 thoughts on “The sense of I AM

  1. Yvonne

    HI Kaushik,
    I enjoyed this, reading it brought a quietness to my mind in fact. It also resonates very much with where I am right now with ‘being’, though I can’t claim not to worry ever – sometimes i get caught in that game still until I read something like this, or just somehow remember to check inside, to release.

    You wrote: “A month ago I would have said it’s because of humility and honesty. But now I realize that honesty is just another idea. It’s mental process which can and is easily subverted by the mind.”

    I find this interesting, (and that’s a mind thing too ;-)) The mind tries to grasp awakening, and it never will. Understanding comes in a way that the mind just can’t get, or at least mine does. There’s a knowing, a quiet that doesn’t need grasping, and when we (I) do try to grasp it, it goes. At least, that’s my experience.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Right, I’m in a similar place–whatever comes up is easily released. And yet this is not freedom.

      And honesty–yes that maybe something ungraspable too, not the mental process, but something else. It feels that way, but I don’t have the words to articulate it.

      But when I’m looking none of these ideas come up. It’s just looking at me here and now.

  2. Janice

    What this is has absolutely nothing to do with what I feel, think, see or believe. What if, an understanding of what we truly are is revealed through spirit, that energy inside my body. I use the word spirit because that is the word I would use.
    Something is leading me inward, away from thought or ideas.
    And get this, I am totally not afraid. It is weird but definitely not scary.
    Janice

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Janice,

      In this business of awakening, we get easily distracted by fluffy concepts. Awareness, enlightenment, mind, ego, consciousness, oneness, and the rest of it.

      It’s simpler than that. That’s how I look at it now. There is a basic fear in me, and I suspect in most of the 7 billion or so human beings on the planet. This is the subtle, constant, feeling of unrightness, sometimes overt, as it happens in and anxiety and worry, and sometimes covert, as it happens in what we desire and what we fear and all the things we do to run away from this basic fear.

      And so if this is seen, then the thing to do is to eradicate it. Before we talk about enlightenment and mystical union and rest of it, the thing to do is to eliminate this fear.

      The question is how.

      Well, that’s why I’m looking at myself. It’s simple, direct, natural.

      As you point out, everything we do leads us to this. This inward looking at you.

    2. Mikkel

      I have been thinking the same thing. That looking at yourself could be just another belief. Im not completely understanding how this works yet. Maybe awareness of our true self is revealed accidentially through this technique if it just hit the right spot once. Im not sure if this is about enlightenment or just recovery within our dreamstate.

      Either I am at ease or not. Thats still the only thing that makes sence to me. When you know this, you cant ask any more questions about life. All questions concern how to participate in the drama, and when we take part it is always personal. Its not possible to deal with suffering, even though we might change our idea of suffering and get rid of the concept of it, but essentially we can never deal with something that hurts us at the same time, whatever that means.

      Though suffering is not something we can deal with, it is something we can do. The difference between doing and dealing with only implies our reaction, whereas the doing is just more dark and trembling. Dealing is just a certain color.

      When Im aware of this, ironically I start to feel better, so thats really what all our efforts are for, getting better. To me that can be both scary and reliefing to know.

      Mikkel

      1. Kaushik Post author

        The looking clears itself up when you actually do it.

        I no longer worry about whether awareness of true self is revealed, or there is enlightenment, or mystical consciousness, etc. I no longer worry about unraveling the psychological nuances of the mind. I don’t see any boundaries. I don’t see where the mind ends and awareness begins, or where I end and life begins.

        It’s much simpler than that now. There is a very basic, subtle, small fear of life which drives everything else I do, think and say. It even drives the yearning for enlightenment and understanding.

        I want to be rid of this basic fear.

        Will looking at myself eliminate this fear? I don’t know. I can only sincerely try and see.

  3. Nitin

    Namaste Kaushikbhai,

    Yes, fear is the factor within all of us & perhaps in universe existence. (said by Swami Vivekanand) To be a fearless could be the ultimate goal and may lead to the answer of all the mystery. No wonder they say that ‘face the fear and you will know the life’
    Last week, I have watch the film called ‘zindagi na milegi dobara’ and I have learned that we are NOT living but we are constantly planing to live and that will never came. it’s so easy to live, but we are reason for all the emotions, and it’s natural.
    Enjoyed your thoughts and writing as always, and As you know that thoughts are constantly changing & replacing with new ones and we are all in that unfinished journey.
    I am sure that you have felt great after 4 years of trying, you have leaned this level. Good going. The search is same for all of us : how to be fearless? Good luck and Thank you for sharing.

    Cheers !!
    Nitin

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Right, that’s it, there is a basic fear, a basic resistance. We can call it the fear of life. That’s what the awakened say and I have confirmed it in looking inside, but still I realize that this can be just another belief. Yet, the basic fear of life, this basic feeling unrightness, persists.

      So how do I get rid of this fear?

      The method which seems reasonable to me is to try various things with openness. In doing this, I have realized that no amount of mental understanding will do it. I can consider things like honesty and willingness and acceptance and so on, and they seem to help in particular situations, but the basic feeling of unrightness persists. These things are beside the point.

      I have realized that spiritual practices and beliefs are beside the point.

      I have tried meditation and presence and awareness, and though these can lead to calmness and clarity, the basic feeling of unrightness persists.

      I have tried releasing, and that’s very successful in letting go of anxiety and depression, so very useful, but still the basic feeling of unrightness persists.

      I tried the “you do not exist” technique, and took it to its full conclusion, and recognized that the “I” in my thoughts does not refer to anything. But beyond that, it doesn’t do anything. So it’s useless to me.

      So now I’m trying the sense of I AM. It’s simpler to say “look at yourself.” I don’t know if this will work or lead to anything. But, for the reasons I’ve outlined in the article, it makes sense to me to give it a sincere go.

  4. Dark Warrior

    Oming with a quartz resonance bowl, also called a singing bowl, can help align things and lead to the feeling of rightness and purpose. There are only two basic emotions, love and fear. Psychedelic trips, journeys, shaman and medicine man type stuff take you through powerful states of intense feelings. For me they were only good feelings coming from myself and my guide/guru. There was the presence of the astral realm and the beings that inhabit it, no longer in physical bodies. Spooky. They didn’t feel good, and gathered around, drawn into my powerful energy of unconditional love and oneness. Letting go and enjoying the ride is how you relax through a plant induced god experience. My group of co-evolution peaceful warriors and I are singing and oming very powerfully with the resonance bowl. It produces a vibrational frequency that aligns your chakras. We have taken psiliscibine mushrooms, boomers as we prefer to call them, at the Buddhist Sangha Mindfulness Center and I listened to my fellow peaceful warrior play classical piano. I experienced the touch of an archangel. She was a kaleidescope of flowing rainbow colors and she embraced my soul in her wings and I felt for the first time since my inital kundalini awakening the truth of my immortality. The oming after that became angelic sounding. The inner and outer expieriences merged into a singularity, a source point. Agape, the plutonic soul to soul connection was felt by all. I completely merged with everything for a while. I could see with my eyes closed what my companions were doing, they reached out and embraced each others arms. There was a lot of brilliant radiant lights and exchanges of glowing white crystals from brain, heart to the extremities. When I opened my eyes I saw them exacly as they had appeared through my third eye in the spiritual vision, just holding hands sitting in lotus. These experiences transform a person forever. DMT is next. I release a lot of kundalini just through meditation, yoga, breathing, oming, and meeting new people who are highly conscious and gifted with spiritual powers. But my life is hard. I have a heavy cross to bear. Occassional shamanistic practices are beneficial because I get to rewire myself and unload the fears, then take whats left of me out into the world and meet other indigo children (look it up) and have synchronisities. There is extensive preperation before anyone should consider ingesting mind expanding substances. Everything about it matters. Take extra special care of yourself and you better be strong willed! Kombucha tea helps a lot. Consciousness has to evolve, by any means necessary. My body is healing and my k energy is finally going up the correct channel. Today I communicated telepathically with someone whom I just met. He also knew details about how I had lived my life and what events and people left impressions on my soul that will always be there. The telephatic communication began in a deep trance after smoking marijuana and oming loudly at various harmonies. He created a link to my consciousness through the stillness and silence. He asked if I could hear him, “Rob. Can you hear me” I said, without fear or even excitement “Yes, can you hear me?” He said “Yes.” He said, “Rob?” I said “Yeah?” He said “I Love You. And thank you.” I said, “I Love You too, thank you. The entire inner exchange was thought transferance, picking up information from the field of energy. The energy that accompanied the ability, and the capacity and opportunity for this to actually happen was a feeling of Christ Consciousness. Totally benign and benevolent. Just like the archangel. So pure that there is no attachement. It is ineffibile how perfect the “beingness” that accompanied the telepathy and the angel was all embracing and came and went. I didn’t hold on, I just let it touch my soul. I feel past mind/body/heart(or spirit) and now everything is experienced at a soul level. Experiences like these draw in astral entities and demons and lots of shit can happen that isn’t so pleasant. Energies can enter into the space that are downright horrific, and even the awakened can say some stupid or confused things. How far do you want to evolve into love and peace and fearlessness? How much are you willing to risk? Its worth risking who you are now to who you can become. Read David R. Hawkin’s book I: Reality and Subjectivity and The Unfolding Self: Varieties of Transformative Experience which is by someone else I can’t remember. These books prepared me to refrain from the spiritual gifts and powers, which are beside the point, and endure and hold the high frequency vibration of intense, sustained awareness necessary to hold your ground as the dark astral beings presence is seen and felt. Lucerferic energies exist, just as Christ Consciousness and Buddahood do. Both Jesus and Buddah were attacked by demons as they neared enlightenment. Gopi Krishna and Morehi Ushebi (founder of Aikido) both mastered kundalini (chi energy) after much pain and suffering, physical and spiritual agonies. I am not up there. I am at the tip of the iceberg. Do not ever take mushrooms or DMT without a trustworthy person aligned in integrity and giving up his very existence and life to be the peace and love and change he wants to see in the world. I am blessed to have great protectors, real people who know i am not crazy as I explore and experience unconditional love and non-duality. The point is that mind numbing drugs are dangerous, mind expanding drugs are liberating and freeing and are a necessary tool for enlightenment. Eckhart Tolle admitted to taking LSD. Its junk, its artificial and synthetic. Boomers and DMT are natural and organic and are generall safer if the intent is for enlightenment and illumination and inner and outer healing. Dont take them seeking a high! No expectations! You should be scared because they are going to rip your ego from your trembling hands and hand you reality, the universe, and the love and fearlessness, oneness and peace that is the god experience. Radical changes happen so damn fast and there is no addiction or need to re-experience because you are forever changed. Perception changes permanently for the better. But like anything, it depends on who your with. Because you will experience their energy, good and bad. Forgiveness and humility are tools to co-evolve and protect ourselves from spiritual pressure. I know a literal Saint/Sage and he has helped me try this stuff so I can really go deep and face my inner world and let it flow through me. I saw the beauty and magnificent splendor that I actually am, even when I can’t feel it because the world is sometimes an ugly place and people are unkind and ignorant. There are evil spirits that want to do harm. Random strangers actually think about hurting me and im not even looking at them. Painbodies often react to the presence of intense states of love or non-duality with aggression. I have witnessed insanity and demonic possession. Why anyone or anything would want to sabotage awareness is beyond me. Let the intense anger and hatred of this idiotic world full of moguls and peasants and spiritually dead souls that run the whole fucking world, let the hatred and anger reach an unbearable pitch. Even the hatred of our body, the vessel and vehicle we have to live in. It allows us to release and transcend and ultimately transform everything that we are. Consciousness has power that is limitless and infinite and will always find ways to manifest and express and evolve without end. You are endless whether you are aware of it or not. When you can just let it all do its thing and stop resisting the real way you feel about people and the world, then you can release it. I am in so much control of my thoughts, energy, emotion, and body. I can be in anybody’s presence, malevolent or not. There is no fear. I experience my chakras and my they expand as I really feel my fear as much as possible. Then I feel love, then just peace. Cmon, you have to take the risks that shamans do. Its not withcraft or voodoo or witchdoctor or bad ju ju. The only danger is that entities that are no longer in physical bodies but that have rejected god and truth are attracted to devotees and aspirants that are making significant progress. Yes, I have taken hallucinogenic substances to assist in my spiritual practices because a lot of fear, karma, unconsciousness, and collective issues have to be worked out and those things are for the advanced initiates who are protected by god because they are bringing a light into the darkness. Ever heard of 2 steps forward 1 step back. Mind expanding plants are like 5 steps forward 1 step back. If you are ready and if the purpose is for profound spiritual evolution for the highest good you will not be hurt. I have no ego in sharing any of this. My life is better. My course is corrected. Nothing can harm me and I can harm no one. I just love. I am employed and my relationships with others have broadened. People want to be around me because they sense that I love them no matter what. I accept their darkness. NO MATTER WHAT. Because I can see the same soul in all of us. I go through many emotions but the happiness and peace is constant. 3 years of meditaiton and shadow work and yoga and what did I get? Pain and suffering. Hell. I give up all the stuff people say will help and listen to a crazy person with an aura and decide to trust him because what more could I lose? I took the damn shrooms and now I am living the 4 agreements and having fun with life. I have no external reason to be enjoying my life. Not really. This inner world is so fufilling and mystical and endless. I like to Om “Eeeeeeeeee!” E for eternity. E for everlasting life. E for eternal love. I have such a foundation under me that I can rely on and count on. I invite the negativity inside myself and the astral beings or whatever that I was afraid of, I invite them and say okay everything is welcome. I have no complaints. I give up trying to control my sanity and surrender my aversion to pain and addiction to pleasure, I reliquinsh resistance. My body is property of the universe and I surrender the desire for existance. I invite all the angels and devils, whatever there is in this world and the worlds within worlds to encounter me. I invite everyone and everything and what happens? All of the scary stuff runs away and I stop running too. I sit, I rest, I live, I love, I am detached and unattached because I know its all good. Even the bad is good. It makes no sense but there it is. Im happy and you all deserve happiness. I wish you courage and faith and i hope you are willing to embrace magical thinking so that you can bring sanity and light into an insane and dark world. We are all of it so don’t blame yourself for anything. Whenever you hold onto blame or whatever, its really just identifying with that particular part of the whole for the payoff and the security. Learn to be really weird and insecure and strange and self-conscious and regretful, embrace your human shame and all of it because once you really feel it and choose to feel what is bothering you as intensely and closely as possible, only then are you released into an expanded state and can continue. I was hung up for a long time on petty things. Consciousness is an etch a sketch that lets us keep erasing what just happened and try again. We get to try again and again to to open up and become vulnerable so that we might give ourselves over to… whatever we like. I chose god and heaven and whatever creates resolution and peace and non-violence. Just let yourself be and go through all of it. Keep forgiveness and love and peace and a state of restful healing in the forefront of your mind, awareness, consciousness, presence. Never be seduced by power or superiority. Give and more will be given to you. I gave what I didn’t have, what i resented not being given, what i wanted, and the universe gave it back tenfold. Give yourself and everyone around you love, gratitude, appreciation, and respect even when it really really really isn’t deserved and watch what happens to you and the people around you. They flower and blossom, they open up and their eyes, oh their eyes, you can just see the LOVE! I chose to use the name Dark Warrior because my son’s name is Kellen, and in Celtic that means dark warrior. I fight the dark by embracing it with light, whether or not the evildoers want to be loved I will show them that I love them. Jesus condemned the sin, not the sinner. Never the sinner! The ones that are the hardest to love are the ones that need it the most. To actually Love and not be needed to be loved back, to display an act of Love that is almost undeserved even if your love is reacted to with hatred, that is what changes the world and the people in it. To act with universal forgiveness, gentlesness, care and kindness can be anyones way of life. But you have to give up and just fall. There are certain people you have to just walk away from. I know I am not in my right mind, but I have come to my senses. I treat myself and people pretty well and thats enough to fufill me. Mushrooms last 4 to 6 hours but the peak is only a 1 or 2 hours and that is when the big stuff happens. Who can you trust to get them from and do them with? Only you can answer that. DMT scares me and it only lasts 3 minutes. I don’t fight anymore battles inside myself, but now there is the people and beings that don’t like that im at peace and happy and that I love. So Dark Warrior it is. I don’t care if I win or lose, I don’t want to fight with people or entities anyways. I don’t even want to heal them. They just gather and I don’t know what to offer them except receptivity and kindness. I listen and I hear but if everyone would just be still and silent then we could all just get this whole thing over with and there wouldn’t be anymore drama or disharmony anywhere. Thats all I have. Take it or leave it but please do be careful. I pray that I didn’t say anything that causes harm to anyones life or health. Do what your heart tells you. All we have to do is listen to that and then we align. I gave up on mind and body and people and life. All a dissapointment, a waste. But something remained, and that spark was re-ignited. It became a candle, and then a bonfire. Its so easy if we just stop repressing all the built up gobbldy gook and let it reach its full expression and teach us. Anything that keeps repeating and that we keep reliving is shouting pay attention and let it out. Control yourself though, thats all. I hope this helps and doesn’t hurt anybody. Be safe. Its a strange world but its ironic too and we are all going to get the help and salvation we need. There is so much support out there once you refrain from participating in anything unconscious/unkind. Why do people hate? I don’t understand nervousness and self hatred. Just give others and yourself the space to be, exactly as you are, and let the miracle unfold. The differences melt, the problems become insignificant, and there is a way to connect at a deep level even though there are mental/emotional/physical/energetic or spiritual differences. Who cares? Why do people care about that stuff when we can all just get along for the sake of getting along. The pain runs deep. Until its all faced and allowed to reach full expression it will continue. My neck vertabrae hurt so bad earlier I was afraid I would become paralyzed. My throat chakra, the expression chakra, healed. True healing hurts. I have said enough. I spoke from my heart and it sounds like truth to me. I really love everyone who has contributed to this website. It has been a place of healing for me. Now find the places and the people who want to come together and speak in person and show each other our inner wounds, faults, flaws and hangups. Accept theirs and they can accept yours. I have been wanting to cry just to experience joyful crying for a long time now. After writing this I finally get to. You are all such amazing people. Everything that has been added to this website I found use in. I don’t even know any of you but I love you all so much. Thank you for listening, if you read all of this. The reason we don’t really know what reality is or who we are is because we are in the process of shaping it. It can go anywhere we want to really, but we need to all work together or it will all fall apart. I really want humans to end this fighting and control dramas and sexual neediness. I have to let go because I can’t help any of them. They have to help themselves. If I don’t stop now I will become too sad for humanity. I think I can feel the world, and how sad everyone is and how they don’t feel like they can work through this alone. I hope we all find safe places and safe people to help us through this process. Oh my that was a lot to say. I put my whole heart and soul and energy into that and now I don’t feel my own heart and soul and energy, I feel the world’s. I have been replaced. I cry now for the world. Every one of you makes a difference. Your contribution is huge. Dont sell yourself short! Consciousness is expanding and evolving so fast, the universe is spitting out some really incredible people who are going to initiate change and protect those that need comfort making the transition. We are all tired of the oppression, the sabatoge of awareness, the interuption of beingness. I will not read or edit any of this, it just came through me and I sincerely hope no one is harmed. I feel like I am promoting shrooms and DMT, the later of which I have almost no knowledge and no experience of. Follow your instincts, your own intuition. These things are potent and what they reveal to you can lead to a break with reality. If there isn’t another conscious person there to pull you back then you can… well, who knows what but good luck on your journey. I found fears that simply would not release without boomers. I unlocked fear and love with that same key. DMT sounds more like a meet your maker kind of thing. Im interested to hear what you all have to say on the subject. I’m not trying to convince anybody. I don’t like drugs but I dislike unlove and ignorance much more so it was worth the risk for me. My intention with writing this was to relieve some of the pressure. We all feel pressure. Plant spirits can help us to release some of that. Just avoid synthetic artificial mind numbing stuff, choose the stuff thats a little scarier mind opening and expanding. I’m at a loss for words now. I feel like deleting everything about magic mushrooms and DMT. I’m gonna just press submit and hope for the best. Peace be with you.

    1. Mikkel

      I have considered to take mushrooms for a long time, but I just dont know where to get them, and I would probably need someone to assist me, as you mention. Dont worry, you should not blaim yourself if I try it. Im pretty sure that I can handle almost everything after having had a depression, and it would be entirely my own choise.

      I have no experience with drugs or mushrooms, but I have heard that LSD should be the most mind expanding of all. Then I heard also about a natural drug, used by the indians in Central America, which should be very similar to LSD, but I forgot the name. It probably cant be worse than what I have already gone through, and even if it is, I would be more than excited to try it.

      I recognize exactly what you are fascinated with. Ultimately awakening isnt natural, otherwise we wouldnt distinguish it, but despite what we think, we dont have a choise anyway, than to follow the path of what we are heading. So the idea that certain tools can help us, makes sense. If one is depressed, one would seek a doctor. When one has given up trying to hide from suffering, one is determed to plunge into it. And if a plant can help us doing so, why not?

      Oming is a fantastic experience, even though I havent exactly tried it, but I can really imagine its colorfulness and the experience of its endless ressonance. It often springs to my mind as Im a composer. For me, strangely enought even though I have been reading alot and meditated for many years, most of my awakening happened from the music of Scriabin, especially his later works. I can see this very clearly when I look at my past. Maybe you should try him out too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0Whv5waUMU

      This is his last work Mysterium, which was supposed to last about a week, but since Scriabin died before it was completed, it ended up as a 3 hour version only. At first sight, it seems ridiculous to write a composition entitled to transcend the universe, but what I experience is really that there emerges an exstatic wave that totally embraces everything in my life, and for a moment I feel that I would be happy to go through all the bad things again just for the purpose of the color of it.

      I think its really all about observance. Conditions do mean a lot in that quest, whether its technique, music or drugs.

  5. Dark Warrior

    Ugh, word vomit. I don’t care if I sound crazy. Taking a substance to break through a wall isn’t exactly safe, but I met a shaman with “This too shall pass” & “Namaste” tattooed on his forearms. I hit another wall even after all of our co-evolution work and group meditation and collective energy stuff. The opportunity came up and I have missed so many wonderful opportunities in my life because of my own fear, apprehensions, inhibitions, and because the human mind is incapable of discerning truth from falsehood. I decided to take the plunge because I knew in my heart and soul that I was in good hands.

    1. radiance

      i would just like to know how old you are if you don’t mind saying, also..

      i think marijuana is a excellent plant that is clean and natural, i don’t recommend it to be abused, just like anything else. so its important to be smart and organized with this spiritual plant that helps you explore yourself and the universe. this world is so messed up i feel bad for the new born of tomorrow. it is only getting worst and will only get worst sadly.

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