The Inquiry continues…

Because we have it backwards.

Notice the way we approach awakening.

You get an insight. Then you take on practices. You meditate, you practice awareness,  you practice presence, you observe thought, you release, you loosen attachment to beliefs, you try to understand acceptance, you read, you memorize, you practice, you seek.
delusion of self
Creative Commons License photo credit: jdxyw
You try to understand why you feel dejected and confused, you wonder why you feel this way if you’re awakening…

The conventional spiritual wisdom is that you allow and be patient and continue with love. Continue practice and some day with grace you may awaken.

But these days I’m  wondering if this is all backwards.

The core delusion is the self.

Rather than get into theories or intellectual arguments or spiritual practices, what if we tackle this directly?

We think honesty (self-honesty) is accurately acknowledging the truth about what is going on inside us. But what is going on inside us is a contrivance, and this is what makes self-honesty so tricky.

Self-honesty can be developed but it must start from that place where you say I know I’m fooling myself. It must start from that place where you say that my beliefs are an invention. And you are completely open and willing to see that.

Whenever I think of how we lie to ourselves, the example that comes quickly to mind is a woman who has been chasing spirituality for two decades. Every once in a while, she will claim to have “arrived.” She will say she can see through her ego or she can see serendipitous signs around her or she has had some advanced revelation about the meaning of karma or she will say she has finally achieved inner peace. And yet the fear in her is palpable and the me-stories still abound–there are stories of suffering and spiritual achievement and generous charity–and there is great need and reaching for spiritual validation. This woman is and has been in a long existentialist crisis, and yet has managed not  only to repress this truth but even to claim great spiritual achievement.

It all falls apart occasionally, as it must, and then of course she goes to “deepen” her spirituality, and the whole insanity cycles over again.

The thing is she is not really different from all the rest of us seekers.

The resistance to awakening shows up in many different ways. It can be intellectual–all sort of arguments can come up. How does this fit into my view of the world? How does this reassure my beliefs?

Resistance shows up as putting off the inquiry, claiming the need to know more.

Resistance can be in the form of lying to ourselves. Resistance can come as fear of awakening–my god what will I be if I am not me, what about my hopes and dreams and achievements?

Resistance can even come in the form spiritual practice–spiritual practices like accumulating concepts and meditation and gratitude and acceptance and so on.

And through all this seeking we forget one thing.

We forget that all of these things which we do and learn and practice and argue about, are for and by a self which does not exist.

A dog chasing its tail.

Look!

With looking at this, for a few days, I was confused. I fell back to the meditative sort of awareness, where the mind becomes very quiet. I realized that this is not inquiry. This is just a quiet mind.

So in the past few days I have been looking more actively. That is, looking with the mind, thinking about it, rolling it over.

You do no exist. You are an imagination of “your” mind. There isn’t you and your.there is no “your mind.” It’s just a mind.

You are a recursive thought, thought thinks there is a thinker. Is there a thinker? Or is there just thinking?

There was no you when you were born. A mind and body were born.

How did the you come to be?

You come to be from thought itself

I fully understand this logically. But insight is something else, not just logical understanding, and I don’t have that yet.

And I do understand the dangers of rational understanding. For most of my life, I was rationally convinced that the world was what my perceptions and my thoughts told me it was. I was rationally convinced there was an executive “me” which ran the whole show, with unconstrained choice. I was rationally completely convinced and confident in my intellect. So to find out that thoughts and beliefs represent a small and unreliable part of reality was a bit of a shocker.

And yet, in this case, I think that a rational understanding is important. With a rational understanding, continued inquiry will inevitably lead to insight.

You do not exist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the articles in the series tagged “You do not exist” I write about seeing through the delusion of self. I write about my experiences, as they unfold.

A while ago I realized that seeing through the delusion of the self is a critical part of awakening, and I discussed this on this excellent Tolle forum, where there are a number of awakened members.

Through those discussions, I learned of  Ciarin Healy and his forum (www. ruthlesstruth.com). The people on the Tolle forum were doubtful of Ciarin’s site. They felt there was too much contention and the method is not complete.

I visited Ciarin’s site and read his blog and forum. And indeed, the culture on his site is different–some people may find it shocking.

Nevertheless, I did see clearly that the basic technique is valid.  It is compelling, direct and unrelenting.

Interested in exploring it further, I’ve had some conversations about it with a number of people, including Ciarin, and  Bobby from honestyonslaught.blogspot.com/. Both have been very helpful. And in general people on that site and adjunct sites have been helpful.

Some people claim that this technique leads directly to enlightenment. Others are not so sure.

I can’t really make any judgment on that since I’m not enlightened.

Whether it’s enlightening or not, I think seeing through delusion of the self is an important part of awakening.

And so I encourage people to do this inquiry, even though my own experience with this technique is not complete.  I will continue to explore it and share my experience here.

44 thoughts on “The Inquiry continues…

  1. Jeff Lapointe

    hey Kaushik,

    Love the way you take the discussion to the next level incorporating people’s thoughts, arguments, questions.

    Thank you – my last comments to you were a resistance in me – right or wrong.

    I had this vision with my quiet mind and it was something like this – There is nothing, quiet silence, brilliant sounds, eye catching objects – come and go. On a person to person basis their emotions wash over me, my response takes its time..

    However – there is two glaring observations – I am still in this physical world and bounded to it by habit.

    #2) What does awareness mean to me because the nature of my quietness will be bounded by my illusory beliefs.?

    Somewhere I can accept that there is no me behind the thoughts yet there is movement, physical form, ideas, intuition and flow through my physical self. This also seems to define me.. my flow or movement in life is a physical experience and therefore has foundation.

    How far do I want awareness to go? Without mind? Without thought? Without physicality?

    You’re right – it is easier to say “I don’t exist” and let things unfold.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Jeff,

      Ultimately, who you are is unidentified awareness or consciousness. But that’s a little too abstract and theoretical. To awaken, many awakened teachers recommend the inquiry “Who am I”. I think few people actually do the inquiry because it’s too general. We don’t know where to begin.

      Who you think you are is an identification. It’s the ego, which is simply a changing identification with thoughts and belief. Now you can read this and accept it and it might make sense, but to actually understand, recognize and experience it is a completely different thing.

      This inquiry can help us see through the delusion. Not as theory, but actually recognize it.

      There is nothing new about this inquiry; perhaps what is new is that it is very direct and focused.

      You know exactly what to inquire about. And it gets right to the core delusion–the delusion that you think you are an identification. Our identification with thoughts and beliefs gives the impression that there is an entity which looks at life from the outside in, and lives “your” life, and makes “your” decisions and choices, and thinks “your” thoughts.

      light and peace,
      k

    2. Kaushik Post author

      By the way, there is plenty of resistance in me as well. There is either resistance or there is full awakening.

      Years ago, my resistance was intellectual. Something either made intellectual sense or it was nonsense. Then the resistance was anxiety. Then it was not actually doing it–talking about it and writing about it but not doing it. A few days ago I realized that I hold the belief that enlightenment is probably something that will not happen for me. It’s a strange resistance to have for someone who lives and breathes the stuff.

      We lie to ourselves in extraordinary ways.

      It’s all resistance. When you can step outside of it, it’s rather amusing.

    3. Bobby

      Hello Jeff, I’m Bobby, I’ve been working with Kaushik for a little while here, allow me to chime in.

      “However – there is two glaring observations – I am still in this physical world and bounded to it by habit.”

      Right. There is a physical body, and the body is real. The brain is real, so thoughts are also real. But there is no thinker.

      “Somewhere I can accept that there is no me behind the thoughts yet there is movement, physical form, ideas, intuition and flow through my physical self.”

      Sure. The physical experience of life is undeniably real. All that the body experiences through the senses is real, but there is no experiencer.

      To fully awaken, you can’t just accept that there’s “no me”, it’s something you have to see (or realize). Once you see that it is true, you will awaken.

      “How far do I want awareness to go? Without mind? Without thought? Without physicality?”

      It’s not an awareness. It’s a simple realization. You actually have to use logic to work this through.

      The way to do it is:

      1. Tell yourself, “I don’t exist”
      2. Ask yourself, “How could it be true”
      3. Keep thinking until you see that it is true

      I’m sure you’ve heard of Ramana Maharshi’s query, “Who am I?” His query was intended to get you to see this one truth.

      This method is a bit more direct in the sense you don’t start with a question, you start with a true statement. There is no confusion as to what’s required to awaken.

      Cheers

      1. Jeff Lapointe

        Thanks Bobby. I am still thinking “to see that it is true”

        Very kind of you to chime in – feel free anytime.
        Best,
        J

  2. Nitin

    Namaste Kaushikbhai,

    By the time I finish reading your article & comments, thought changes rapidly.
    I like to look the things in simple manners.
    Combination of body, mind and thoughts is the person’s identification?
    No one had known yet without his/her bodily identification.
    If ‘you” and ‘I’ are the imagination(delusion) and this whole world is imagination ?
    No wonder it’s call “Bhramand” in ancient Indian philosophy.
    Shanker (Indian God) also called this world “Maya” which matches with others philosophy.
    All these are talk and thought transfer or learn from previous, so far NOTHING has experienced yet. So far not a single thought give me 100 %
    Human mind is looking for conclusion about enlightenment, but it’s true way you said that a dog is chasing his own tail. May be we chasing something which is not even exist, but ego mind want to achieve most harder one.

    As always, enjoy your thoughts very much and gain as well.

    Cheers.
    Nitin

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Namaste Nitinbhai,

      Yes, the identification with body/mind/thoughts gives the illusion of you. The false self does not exist. But whenever I heard something like this, that the ego does not exist or the false self does not exist, I quickly thought it through and accepted and said yes, the ego does not exist. See, we don’t actually look. We accept it as a belief. This is why I like this inquiry–it is direct and and it makes you actually look.

      light and peace,
      k

      1. Nitin

        Thank you Kaushikbhai, Very informative.
        Happy Dipawali and All the Best for New Year.

        Cheers.
        Nitin

  3. Bobby

    Hey Kaushik. My thoughts on your approach here…

    “I fully understand this logically. But insight is something else, not just logical understanding, and I don’t have that yet.”

    Like I told you, you are still trying to piece this together using cause and effect. Your desire to want to know more is hurting you badly. You are still looking for a missing piece of the puzzle rather than attacking this thing head on. The more information you have, the worse off you are.

    “And yet, in this case, I think that a rational understanding is important.”

    A rational understanding will hurt you. All you need is the basics:

    What’s real? Mind, body, and everything else but you. You are not real. Life was not given to you, it is not your life. How then did you come to be? See the truth in that you don’t exist and you are done.

    ^^ This is enlightenment on a matchbook cover. All you need.

    Like I told you man, stop digging for more information. You’re screwing yourself up. Trust someone who’s been down the path.

    You can do this dude. But you need to start listening.

  4. Janice R.

    Good Morning Mr. K.,
    I was reading this interview by Adyashanti, and I attached one of the questions below. Made me think of the recent discussions here at your site. The last line practically brought tears to my eyes.
    Love ya,
    Janice

    There’s an ancient debate in Zen about the nature of enlightenment. Some schools claim that it’s sudden, and others claim that it’s a gradual process. What do you think?

    It’s usually a combination of the two: a sudden penetration into the true nature of being, and then a gradual embodiment of this realization on the level of body, mind, and personality. It can take time to live our understanding fully, to express fully who we know we are through this human form, in the world of time and space, in the ways that the emotions and energy move and the mind functions. This gradualness differs tremendously from individual to individual. In rare cases, the awakening and the embodiment seem to happen in the snap of a finger: The false self drops away at once and never returns. More often, the process of embodiment involves a continual seeing through any remaining false layers of self, belief, and identity, as well as an ongoing surrender of anything that would cause us to stay separate. Whether it’s sudden or gradual, in the end one comes to an absolute and unconditional “yes” to reality just the way it is.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Janice,

      I don’t really worry about what enlightenment is like specifically. The specifics can only confuse us.

      Releasing is a combination of gradual and sudden. And in my experience, I didn’t even realize that I was naturally releasing till a few days later. Possibly, enlightenment is a similar thing, and so what you have quoted above makes sense. It’s reasonable that it is some combination of gradual and sudden. Some of the awakened who have had sudden enlightenment (Tolle, Ramana) describe a period of gradual deepening afterward.

      I hope you are well, my friend!

      light and peace,
      k

  5. Janice R.

    Dear Mr. K.,
    I am having trouble expressing myself clearly lately. Not sure what it is. What I was referring to was the last line in the quote. …in the end one comes to an absolute and unconditional “yes” to reality just the way it is.
    For me a self described fixer, changer, this line was particularly meaningful. I want to push information like that away. I do not want it to absorb in my body. I don’t want to understand or incorporate it into my awareness.
    I wanted to share that information because it made me think of Beyond-Karma and the village of folks who visit. Hope you have a great day.
    Janice

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Ah, yes, acceptance. Acceptance is not always easy, is it? I think my understanding of acceptance deepened when I saw in a forum that someone had said that acceptance is not something you do, it is something you stop doing. You stop resisting. And this clicked.

      There is nothing wrong with wanting to fix or change. The problem comes with that deep feeling that things shouldn’t be, cannot be the way they are. This is the resistance to what already is.

    2. Kaushik Post author

      Also, Janice, your openness as usual is helpful to everyone here. You point out something important. We have resistance to acceptance. It’s hard to accept the idea of acceptance, because it feels that with acceptance, we are giving up our power to change things.

      That’s not the case at all. We don’t have to worry about changing ourselves. Whatever the resistance is, even if the resistance is that “I don’t want to accept”, we can simply watch and allow. We simply work on letting go of the resistance. The release method here is useful for that.

  6. Yvonne

    Hello Dear Kaushik,

    You write:”I fully understand this logically. But insight is something else, not just logical understanding, and I don’t have that yet.”

    I may be totally off the mark here, but I can’t help wondering, if maybe you are trying too hard. Are you sure you haven’t already ‘got’ it, but that your rational mind just kicked in again so fast you barely noticed? I ask this for two reasons:
    1) As you write about this so eloquently it seems fair to assume some part of you definitely does get it.
    2) This past weekend I was on a 3-day Sedona Method retreat, and time and time again a huge release would happen, the mind would still for a few seconds and then it would kick in again, saying,”No, I can’t have done it yet. It can’t be that easy.” So I would go looking for something more. It took a few times of this happening before I realised what was going on.
    ‘I’ feel/know/sense this thing of no self, and then my mind comes back in again. I slip in and out of it, and what I’ve realised since returning to ’normal’ life is that when I try to hold on to that sense then of course it goes again. It can’t be held onto.
    Who is it who said, “The truth is simple. If it was complicated everyone could understand it.” (or something like that)?

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Yvonne,

      You are right. I’m stuck somewhere.

      I’m glad you mentioned the Sedona Method. The release method I talk about here is based on the Sedona method. I had read the Sedona book and at that time I was in the middle of an anxious period, and so I was open to trying it. But it felt complicated, so I clarified and simplified it. And my experience was very much like yours. I didn’t know that it had been working, until one day I looked back and realized that I had not felt any anxiety for the last few days.

      So you’re right. I’m thinking too hard, or not thinking hard enough, or resisting in some way. Or, as you point out, the rational mind is popping back in quickly.

      The thing to do is to allow and watch.

      Thanks for nudge.

      love and peace,
      k

  7. Ralph

    “Effort is what stands in the way of true seeing”

    … so keep using lots of effort, completely exhaust yourself until you are completely fed up ….. and then, perhaps, just then, you may realize that yes, ‘effort ‘ is what stood in the way of true seeing.

  8. Philip

    Kaushik,

    Just been on “The Ruthless Arena” website, very aggressive modality, it makes your forum seem so gentle.

    Questions: How do you know you don’t exist as apposed to thinking that you don’t exist?
    How do you know its not just more “truth talk in the dream state”? Can you convey this knowing to others? Or do you just say, this maybe true, try it test it for yourself.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Yeah the site is aggressive. Nevertheless, the technique is valid. I focus on the method.

      “I do not exist” makes rational sense to me. I know that I am an invention of my own thoughts.

      But intellectual agreement is not enough. I am working on the recognition.

      I don’t think it can be conveyed, except in words.

      Yes, that’s how I started, by looking at life through the view that I don’t exist. Particularly what made sense to me was this: It’s not like I existed and then someone came along and gave me a body to call my body, and gave me a mind to call my mind, and gave me a life to call my life. So I existed after life did, as an invention of the mind.

      I can’t really answer the other questions because my experience with this is not complete. I don’t know how to tell true recognition from belief. I figure it will be obvious. With the release method, when it was working, I didn’t really know if for few days. It was on looking back that I realized I can let go of emotions.

  9. Jeff Lapointe

    Something clicked. I had to see it for myself in my own way..meaning in the stream of thoughts that filled my head. I see that there is no me. No my head, no my body. In fact there is not such thing as possession – it is all labels. It is a manner of communication and attachment.

    To me (as this comment) we are only responses to everything else. The responses may be new, they may be habit, they may be a combination but there is no ownership involved. Only what exists. The possible combinations born from our existence. If I lived in a 2d world bounded only in the horizontal direction then in my position I could only move right or left (which are names of course). There is no me involved. So in a human earth world – there are many possibilites – but still no me involved.

    What tricked (me) up was that thoughts are an entity in themselves like a finger, a flower, a tree, a piece of cake. They are a response in our reality. A storage system that inhale information through the senses and offer information in our daily moments. There is no me, there is no right and wrong – just information.

    I was attaching labels “mine” and “i” but when realization came that thoughts are no different than every other entity – then the personalization fell away.

    I am strangely no different and yet it’s like the personalization has turned off (of needing to do this, or control that or achieve this). I can do all those things but they are done as a response to a desire and not as a suffering that plays over in my awareness.

    I can’t explain it better than that right now.

    thank you.
    Jeff

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Incredible! Very cool, and you’ve explained it well. I’m pleased for you!

      I was stuck on awareness. Then, the realization (with some guidance): of course there is awareness, but it’s not my awareness. Then: but there is still a sense of me. Yes, but it’s not my sense of me.

      The inquiry continues…

  10. Janice R.

    Hi Mr. K.,
    I was describing to someone last night that I had this experience with my granddaughter, Avery (7 months old) just the other night. I was cuddling her and looking into her eyes, she stared and stared at me like she was looking straight through me. I continued looking at her and thought “you beautiful creature, who are you?” “what will you become?” are you going to be all the nonsense and love that we put into your head? and it dawned on me, really. that there is a possibility that what we are is just the crap and love that was fed into us, by our parents, society, schools, media, HISTORY, media, etc. What if we really don’t exist and we are here (on this plane of understanding) partaking in the gift of life. What if we really aren’t just an ego and physical body. Maybe our history and suffering are just instruments used to get us to this point, the point of awaiting the kiss of grace to complete the circle.
    I love you all.
    Janice

  11. Philip

    Hi K,

    I’ve been spending a bit more time on the “Ruthless truth Arena”. I seem to have an attraction to it despite its rather rude and heavy manner. I had a brief insight into what you have been saying lately. Basically their only message is “there is no you”. So what do you do with that I thought, then I read an account of one the members having a realisation an awakening by simply saying I am going to search for the the “I”. What is it? Where is it? Try and defiune it. Try to see it. Whats it made of. and so on. Below is a post from Xeviared on the sit . I hope he does not mind me copying it.
    There is no you because any attempt to even look directly at the self is impossible. My self is just a concept, and a bad one. It is not real, it has no basis in reality, and this becomes apparent when you start to seriously question what is it you are referring to when you try to define ‘I’.

    I can see this at work when I try to cherry pick what to define myself as throughout my life; this isn’t even done consciously, mind, but the identification with the self, with a false idea of self, to be more accurate, is so arbitrary, and keeps shifting and fluctuating moment to moment, that to attempt to grasp it is to grasp something less substantial than air. And it IS less substantial than air, because it isn’t real.

    But the self was so powerful, despite its insubstantiality. It infects every part of you, your emotions, your behavior patterns, your thoughts…everything it compels you to do is in the interest of sustaining itself – it doesn’t want you to look directly at it, in fact there’s a great deal of resistance towards seeing the heart of the lie, but all that is mere distraction if you really just look, which i think I did. I looked and there was nothing.

    There is just experiences, thoughts, emotions, opinions, physical sensation, but no self behind it. I held it there, I held my eye there, and keep looking, hoping for the self to pop out, but it didn’t. And that was when I realized it never existed, but I assumed it did, and gave it peripheral power over me.

    Nothing is lost, but much is gained. There is no you because its just a concept, and it falls apart when confronted with reality. But its so insidious from before, like oil over the surface of water, making it impossible to look beyond, but when it is gone, all is clear, and despite ripples (emotions, thought, sensation), you are still pure, you can still look beyond the surface to see what is at the bottom.

    I feel anger, somewhat, so much shit that I’ve gone through because of this lie, so many mistakes, so much pointless running in circles, but it’s not really the same anger that I used to feel towards myself, because its not an anger of ‘self’, of ‘I’. It is just anger. Nothing is hurt, not like in the past, when my sense of ‘self’ is threatened, my sense of ‘I’. There is just reality, life, thoughts arising, feelings swirling, and sensation persisting, but no ‘I’. No ‘I’ anywhere.”

    Cheers
    Phil

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hey Philip,
      My thoughts exactly. Despite the culture there, there is something to this, and it’s worth exploring. My intuition is that seeing through the I is the beginning of awakening. A very critical first step. The people there claim that this is it, this is enlightenment. I don’t know because I’m not there. But whether this is enlightenment or not, my intuition is that this is a critical step to Truth.

      love and peace,
      k

  12. Philip

    Hey K,

    Yeah I get sense of it in reference to the fact that it all there its just that there is not subject as such. This was a reply got on the forum when I asked what happens to ones unique personality when you realise there is no “I”.
    ” It’s just a unique personality, not your unique personality. You don’t turn into a clone; you just recognise that there’s no need to hold on to a personality that is subjective to the environment it is in.”

    Nicely put by Kevin

    Cheers Philip

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Yup, I went through that too. I was first looking for some sort change as you do in meditation. Then I was holding on to awareness as an identity. Someone said, everything remains. Identity remains, the sense of holding remains. It’s just that the you does not refer to anything. That I absorbed but then I was really stuck. Didn’t know where to go from there. Now when I have a thought I look for the me in the thought and see what it refers to.

      I’m a hard case.

      I’ll write about my evolving experience in the next post, just haven’t had the time.

      I’m glad you’re sticking with this.

  13. LG

    (Landon sent me this email. With his permission I share it here. -Kaushik)

    hello, Beautiful sharing

    I spent 5 yrs of intensely dedicated seeking before I was finally defeated and ready to give up. Broken.

    This was my moment of honesty.

    I knew too much about this stuff and Realized that I was the only one who would never get this.

    I saw that all these other seekers knew less, studied less, meditated less, and Put less into this and that somehow this was working to their advantage. They were getting free.

    I was stuck.

    This was the only thing I Ever wanted All- day each ever present waking moment
    for 5 yrs of thinking that I was gonna get it.

    I was wrong.
    “I” never got it.

    I saw that I had missed something very fundamental.

    I was using Presence to hide a belief in self.

    The ego wasn’t hidding in their sustaining itself in the shadows.
    I was still assuming that on some level there must be a true me.

    ANY belief in self is the belief that keeps “me” Alive.

    There is no self to discover.

    Honesty was defeat.

    Because no one will ever get this.

    It is the opposite of a Person getting Enlightened.
    It is Awareness seeing that, “Oh there is no one here.”

    No one behind the looking.

    I had to give up hope.

    Hope was keeping the idea of “me” getting this Alive.

    I had to recognize that all the Beautiful Pointers-I had picked up- In All of their Perfect Accuracy were meaningless.

    The only thing I ever wanted to do with my life was the only thing that I would never get.
    5 yrs wasted.
    nothing gained.
    not free.

    no closer than when I began.
    (you cant get any closer to this)
    (it is only one step long)
    (You R the only thing in the way of that step)

    Life is empty and meaningless.
    No one will ever get this.

    I would rather die. Then exist.

    There is no escape.
    100 more wasted lifetimes and I would still be a liar.

    I had seen thru all the false Possibilities for fullfillment.
    fame would do nothing for me.
    I could easily become the worlds finnest Charlatan.
    I could Express the highest truth
    in a way that would keep Anyone enthralled and entertained.
    (my dream Enlightened Comedian)
    but I would still be a lie.
    Poision.
    better off dead than to mislead the weak with Promise of something I didn’t have.

    I couldn’t see it at the time but this Process of becoming hopeless and broken was what it took to make me HONEST for the first time.

    To admit that everything I knew was a lie.

    So I sat for two days in a church knowing that “No one will ever get Anything”

    Letting go of all hope and desire to live.

    Letting go of my ability to Love and do good. Heart Broken.

    Life had failed me and I had failed Life.

    Literally vowing to stay in that Prayer chappel untill I died
    Or the Organism dried up dead.

    Enough was enough.

    No more.

    No more seeking.
    No more Loving.
    No more being good.
    No more Living.

    “is there a part of me that can die?”

    I surrendered my ability of ever being able to help another human being.

    AND I died. As a seperate Person.
    The Recognition that will Never Happen to Anyone said “You Always think there is someone Looking…”

    That was it there was no one looking.
    just no one.

    You know too much.
    An Extremely stubborn case. Like “me”.

    I saw that I had wasted five years lying about wanting to wake up from this dream.

    All “I” Ever wanted was to make it a good dream. A cozy Slumber.

    Attachment to happiness was Attachment to the dreamstate.

    It may take you another 2 yrs of trying to be Enlightened.
    Before Life defeats you.
    AND you see that you are the enemy
    the very you sitting there
    is “the Resistance” to truth.

    You may need to give up
    suffer if its more honest than faking it
    go into the darkest despair
    let go and die.
    You will never get this.
    You will only die.

    (Read Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment by Jed McKenna it will kill you)

    1. Ralph

      My friend, those 5 years were not wasted years. In your case, it took 5 years to realize that the ego was in charge.

      .. the way I see it, they were the best 5 years you spent and was necessary to realize your true nature. Well Done !

      “The fruit falls suddening but the ripening takes time” ~ Nisargadatta

      1. Ralph

        no you ?
        .. perhaps you too .

        All is included and nothing is excluded (including the separate you) but the good news is that “the belief in your separateness” is no longer there.

  14. Stefan

    You said -“I can’t really make any judgment on that since I’m not enlightened”. so…if there is no you,you will never be enlightened?is this truth??There is just life-awerness who shows itself.So my mind can see this -people can live in ilusion of mind,or be life-awerness?there was never you,so nothing doesnt matter anyway.Why am i typing this?The awerness of typing this came to me right now,so text before awerness was text of ego..huh…i can be happy to realize that or my ego is happy?If you dont exist,its seems to you the same if i said thanks or not.but still,this site exist and its great,my ego like being here and reading your stuff and my ego say cheers everyone.love you all.

  15. Philip

    The I or the appearance of the I is like a heavy stickiness that clings on to every thought that passes through. It modifies and taints that thought with its ‘you-ness’. Its the mind wanting to claim that point of origin that ownership. It feel the world or reacts to the world with this I-ness
    Possess, seems to be the key word. The mind as a device wants to possess something that is not possessable, why?

    You-ness infiltrates and infects every thought that passes through the mind. The you has a stickiness an ‘I’ filter.
    We cling to the belief of self existence, of you-ness, of ownership of the point of origin. How absurd to think that the sense of ‘you’ could be the origin of anything.
    The you has been give such great status. Like everything is done for the “me”
    Its all there but there is no ‘you’ binding it all together like you think there is.

    The you is so weird when you really look at it. ‘You’ does nothing for you, it just claims something that is unclaimable, it is unnecessary.

    It just this thought ‘you’ that is claiming things it has no right to. The ‘you’ perspective is so problematic by I nature constanly trying to justify and prop up the wobbly thought of ‘you’
    I love what you said about there even being a sense of you but it is not your sense of you.
    Cheers Philip

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