Our Days of Discontent

Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do…

–Byron Katie

Sooner or later, we all face the essential question: what is life about?

On the exterior, my life had gone rather smoothly. My family is Indian but I grew up in Uganda, East Africa, which is almost an idyllic place to grow up, if you have money, and we did. Life was very good and easy for the most part: school, lots of outdoor barefoot play, and lots of family activity. The country is right on the equator and Kampala is in the hills and the weather is pleasantly hot.

When Idi Amin took over the country, there was trouble. Many people disappeared; some were publicly executed; daily, there was some atrocity. There was an atmosphere of fear—as if something dire would happen at anytime, and very often it did.

I was twelve, old enough to understand what was going on, but too young to really know the implications. To me, what all this trouble really meant was that I didn’t have to go to school!

We fled—my parents and two brothers and I—with only a few clothes and ended up in a UN refugee camp in Traiskirchen, Austria. My parents were scared for their children and of an uncertain future. Again, I was old enough to understand the precariousness of our situation, but at 13, I was enjoying the adventure. For the first time, I tasted snow. For the first time, I saw girls with yellow hair!

About two years later, we settled in Connecticut. Life was difficult at first, trying to get started in a new country, but we quickly settled into the American mainstream. I did well at school, went to Uconn, then Johns Hopkins, got married, built a house, worked in a soul-crushing but well-playing corporate career, and raised two delightful daughters.

Depression started to visit during my college years but I did not recognize it as depression. I had fun in my college days: I didn’t have to work hard to get through my classes, there was a lot of drinking, smoking weed, women, some experiments with cocaine and amphetemines, rebellious trouble-making—the typical thing, and so when depression visited I figured I was just a little different from others—perhaps I was just more introspective and sensitive at times.

During a depressive down, just before I married, I considered suicide seriously, for the one and only time in my life. I had read somewhere that many people turn to suicide to get relief from the weight of negative emotions. Death does indeed relieve us of this burden, but we’re no longer around to feel the lightness, so what’s the point? That made sense to me. And so I promised myself that if I ever am in that weird place where suicide is an option, I’ll first clean out all my bank accounts, and go have a big, long party in Thailand, and then we’ll see how it goes. If that happens, you’re invited to the party.

Then, there were 16 years of depression, anxiety, self-medicating drinking and a difficult marriage. What kept me going was my daughters—I was very involved with them and all the PTA and soccer and summer vacations and amusement parks and swimming and pets and learning and playing and the whole thing. It was a grand time with the girls.

The divorce ten years ago was inevitable. It was difficult, but not especially so. After a short time, I had custody of the girls. That too wasn’t especially difficult—both girls are highly intelligent and mature.

When the girls left, one by one, to be on their own, life begin to feel empty and meaningless. Life swung between times of energetic adventure and deadening depression. There were times of drinking and friends and women and travel; and there were times of isolating depression and anxiety and insomnia.

Two and half years ago it all came crashing down. I was exhausted. The thing about depression is when you feel bad, you feel bad, but even when you are out of it and feeling somewhat normal, you still have an underlying fear that at anytime the whole thing will collapse. I was just so very tired of the crash-and-rebuild cycles of depression. And so, not from wisdom, but from sheer exhaustion, I accepted my depression and everything it brought to me.

That’s when change happened.

Depression brings a gift. Depression is the opposite of love; it is a dark, desolate, separating numbness, a living death, but it gives us the enormous gift of allowing a peek behind the ego. It let’s us see that the cause of all unhappiness—all of it—is this underlying sense of unease which exists in most of us. It lets us see that most of us operate from fear, darting about like geckos, trying this and trying that, getting this and getting that, in futile attempts to feel complete. We’re all desperately seeking, but we’re not quite sure what it is that we’ve lost.

The problem is really rather simple. You see, we take ourselves to be a bunch of thoughts and emotions. Try it out. Look for your self. I mean, look inside, and find that which you think you are. Who are you? A name? Is what you do what you are? Are you your past? You’re not your body—many parts of the body can be replaced and the essential you will still keep going. Are you your brain? Are you your mind?

If you look closely, in stillness, you find that what you think you are is a bunch of thoughts. We have come to call this the ego. This is the false ‘me.’ Imagine that. What you think you are does not exist.

My awakening started with an insight I had during a ten day silent Vipassana meditation retreat. The retreat was yet another desperate attempt to make some sort of peace with depression. In the first minute of the very first meditation session, my mind started screaming. It did not want to face itself. I wanted to flee, but the kindness of the instructors and assistants helped see me through.

This gave me the insight that whatever is wrong, is wrong inside.

And then, slowly, with time and learning and healing, I begin to accept that there is more to me than just thoughts and emotions. Or, less.

Awakening is coming out of the thinking mind; it is releasing all the rubbish that has accumulated on top of your natural being.

What does awakening promise?

Unlike the Law of Attraction, Awakening will not put a Ferrari in your driveway if you just think about it. Religion promises heaven after death. Awakening tells me this is already heaven, and I can feel it if I can release the rubbish. Spirituality promises beautiful fantasies about Truth. Philosophy promises ideas and concepts about Truth. Awakening promises Truth itself.

If you have some years behind you, you have felt pain and suffering. Your package of suffering is different from mine, but it’s always the same in that the cause is the fear of separation. This exhibits as severe problems or just an underlying feeling of unease.

Sooner or later you will come to the essential question of what life is all about. Often it is from adversity that we come to this. Life is not working. Life sucks. Something has gone wrong in health, wealth, or relationships. Often we pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, “power through,” and we promise ourselves we’ll do better. We flock to self-help, self-improvement, therapy, distractions, and validations for the ego, a new fad, spirituality, or religion.

But at some point, we sit and look, and we can see our lives run in the same cycles. The future is always a variation of the past. The time is different, the players are different, we may have some wisdom from age and experience, but the drama and emotions are always the same. The underlying feeling of unease remains. Joy is absent.

We come face to face with the illusion of who we are. But it’s delicate thing. We come to these introspective places in our lives and we try to figure it out by using thought and emotion. We can‘t help it. This is our conditioning. We try to fix what is wrong with what is wrong.

All it takes is an inward turning and listening to the Heart.

But in illusion, we don’t know what that means.

The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want.

–Byron Katie

What I have learned in the last three years is that it is all about releasing. It is about letting go. More about that next week.

For now, it’s your turn. Have you experienced a defining moment in your life? Have you come face to face with the illusion of who you are? Are you able to see that you are not your thoughts or emotions? When you consider that you are not your thoughts and emotions, what comes up? Relief? Or fear and anger?

Our Days of Discontent
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do…” –Byron Katie
Sooner or later, we all face the essential question: what is life about?
On the exterior, my life had gone rather smoothly. My family is Indian but I grew up in Uganda, East Africa, almost an idyllic place to grow up, if you have money, and we did. Life was very good and easy for the most part: school, lots of outdoor barefoot play, and lots of family activity. The country is right on the equator and Kampala is in the hills and the weather was pleasantly hot.
When Idi Amin took over the country, there was trouble. Many people disappeared; some were publicly executed; daily, there was some atrocity. There was an atmosphere of fear—as if something dire would happen at anytime, and very often it did.
I was twelve, old enough to understand what was going on, but too young to really know the implications. To me, what all this trouble really meant was that I didn’t have to go to school!
We fled—my parents and two brothers and I—with only a few clothes and ended up in a UN refugee camp in Traiskirchen, Austria. My parents were scared for their children and of an uncertain future. Again, I was old enough to understand the precariousness of our situation, but at 13, and I was enjoying the adventure. For the frist time, I saw snow. For the first time, I saw girls with yellow hair!
About two years later, we settled in Connecticut. Life was difficult at first, trying to get started in a new country, but we quickly settled into the American mainstream. I did well at school, went to Uconn, then Johns Hopkins, got married, built a house, worked in a soul-crushing but well-playing corporate career, and raised two delightful daughters.
Depression started to visit during my college years but I did not recognize it as depression. I had fun in my college days: I didn’t have to work hard to get through my classes, there was a lot of drinking, smoking weed, some experiments with cocaine and amphetemines, women—the typical thing, and so when depression visited I thought I was just a little different from others—more introspective and sensitive.
During a depressive down, just before I married, I considered suicide seriously, for the one and only time in my life. I had read somewhere that many people turn to suicide to get relief from the weight of negative emotions. Death does indeed relieve us of this burden, we’re no longer around to feel the lightness, so what’s the point? That made sense to me. And so I promised myself that if I ever am in that weird place where suicide is an option, I’ll first clean out all my bank accounts, and go have a big, long party in Thailand, and then we’ll see how it goes. If that happens, you’re invited to the party.
Then, there were 16 years of depression, anxiety, self-medicating drinking and a difficult marriage. What kept me going was my daughters—I was very involved with them and all the PTA and soccer and summer vacations and amusement parks and swimming and pets and learning and playing and the whole thing. It was a grand time with the girls, except for the episodes of depression.
The divorce ten years ago was inevitable. It was difficult, but not especially so. After a short time, I had custody of the girls. That too wasn’t especially difficult—both girls are highly intelligent and mature.
When the girls left to be on their own, life suddenly begin to feel empty and meaningless. Life swung between times of energetic adventure and deadening depression. These were times of drinking and friends and women and travel; and there were times of isolating depression and anxiety and insomnia.
Two and half years ago it all came crashing down. I was exhausted. The thing about depression is when you feel bad, you feel bad, but even when you are out of it and feeling normal, you still have an underlying fear that anytime the whole thing will collapse. I was just so very tired of the crash-and-rebuild cycles of depression.  And so I accepted my depression and everything it brought to me. I accepted not from wisdom, but from sheer exhaustion.
That’s when change happened.
Depression is the opposite of love; it is a dark, desolate, separating numbness. It is a living death. But it brings a gift with it. It lets us peek behind the ego. It let’s us see that the cause of of all unhappiness—all of it—is this underlying sense of unease which exists in all of us. It lets us see that most of us operate from fear, darting about like geckos, trying this and trying that, getting this and getting that, in futile attempts to feel complete. We’re all desperately seeking, but we’re not quite sure what it is that we’ve lost.
The problem is really rather simple. You see, we take ourselves to be a bunch of thoughts and emotions. Try it out. Look for your self. I mean, look inside, and find that which you think you are. Who are you? A name? Is what you do what you are? Are you your past? You’re not your body—many parts of the body can be replaced and the essential you will still keep going. Is it your brain? Is it your mind?
If you look closely, in stillness, you find that what you think you are is a bunch of thoughts. We have come to call this the ego. This is the false ‘me.’ Imagine that. What you think you are does not exist.
My awakening started with an insight I had during a ten day silent Vipassana meditation retreat. The retreat was yet another desparate attempt to make some sort of peace with depression. In the first minute of the very first meditation session, my mind was screaming. It did not want to face itself. I wanted to flee, but the kindness of the instructors and assistants helped see me through.
This gave me the insight that whatever is wrong, is wrong inside.
And then, slowly, with time and learning and healing, I begin to accept that there is more to me than just thoughts and emotions.
Awakening is coming out of the thinking mind; it is releasing all the rubbish that has accumulated on top of your natural being.
What does awakening promise? Unlike the Law of Attraction, Awakening will not put a Ferrari in your driveway if you just think about it. Religion promises heaven after death. Awakening tells me this is already heaven, if I can release the rubbish I can feel it. Spirituality promises beautiful fantasies about Truth. Philosophy promises ideas and concepts about Truth. Awakening promises Truth itself.
If you have some years behind you, you have felt pain and suffering. Your package of suffering is different from mine, but it’s always the same in that the cause is the fear of separation. This exhibits as severe problems or just an underlying feeling of unease.
Sooner or later you will come to the essential question of what life is all about. Often it is from adversity that we come to this. Life is not working. Life sucks. Something has gone wrong in health, wealth, or relationships. Often we pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, “power through,” we promise ourselves we’ll do better. We flock to self-help, self-improvement, therapy, distractions, and validations for the ego, a new fad, spirituality, or religion.
But at some point, we sit and look, we can see our lives run in the same cycles. The future is always a variation of the past. The time is different, the players are different, we may have some wisdom from age and experience, but the drama and emotions are always the same. The underlying feeling of unease remains. Joy is absent.
We come face to face with the illusion of who we are. But it’s delicate thing. We come to these introspective places in our lives and we try to figure it out by using thought and emotion. We can‘t help it. This is our conditioning. We try to fix what is wrong with what is wrong.
All it takes is an inward turning and listeneing to the Heart. But in the illusion, we don’t know what that means.
“The only time we suffer  is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is is what we want.” –Byron Katie
What I have learned in the last three years is that it is all about releasing. It is about letting go. More about that next week.
For now, it’s your turn. Have you experienced a defining moment in your life? Have you come face to face with the illusion of who you are? Are you able to see that you are not your thoughts or emotions? When you consider that you are not your thoughts and emotions, what comes up? Relief? Or fear and anger?

41 thoughts on “Our Days of Discontent

  1. Avani Mehta

    The realization that I am not my thoughts and emotions comes and goes. Theoretically, it’s understood. But practical application succeeds only certain times.

    I believe that in each lifetime, we are supposed to learn certain somethings. Till we don’t learn, we keep repeating the same experiences. Sometimes this learning is about love, sometimes it’s about forgiveness, sometimes about compassion…
    .-= Avani Mehta´s last blog ..Never Run Out of Anything – Without Stocking Up =-.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Avani,
      Yes, it comes and goes. My experience has been that with practice, the effort goes away. Then, often, I am in a state of quiet, peaceful, watchful awareness. And often, I am wrapped up in my thoughts, and there is sort of a jolting out of it, with a smile. And lately, I have come to realize that it is all about letting go. Being in awaerenss, instead of wrapped up in thought, is, in a sense letting go of thinking–opening the hand of thought.

      Thanks for you wonderful insight.

      k

  2. sandy

    Wonderful post Kaushik. Like Positively Present says you have shared a very personal part of your life here. Very open and honest.
    I love your line “All it takes is an inward turning and listening to the Heart”.
    Great writing…keep it up.
    Sandy.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Sandy,
      Great to see here. You have much wisdom to share, and I hope to see more of your comments. Yes, listening to the Heart. I am only beginning to understand what that means.

      Hope you’re keeping warm on the other side!
      k

  3. Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord

    I agree with Avani’s sentiments that the theory of awakening is great; the practicality or everyday recognition of “I am” is something else altogether. I have fleeting moments of knowing when the eternal is looking out from behind my eyes, which I believe I’ve shared in passing with you. And like you, had a moment of surrender not too long ago after I relapsed with addiction. The surrender was both excruciating and deliciously sweet, but most importantly, it freed me.
    My egoic mind has a tendency of trying to keep me projected out into an imagined future or wanting to relive the past. It rarely wants to settle down and let present moment awareness slip in. When it does, though, the only word I can think of to describe it – which doesn’t even touch how magnificent the feeling is – is bliss.

    Your honesty moves me, Kaushik. Thank you for being so candid, and like Dani, I loved seeing the BK quotes. (Obviously I’m a big fan!)

    Be well, my friend.
    .-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Resentment Is Ridiculous =-.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Megan,

      I love that you say so much in a few words.

      I understand what you and Avani are saying. The theory and actuality of awakening are two different things; I think J.Krishnamurti said “the becoming is not the being.” The techniques, like observing ourselves think, or being aware, etc, can feel effortful. Releasing, on the other hand, is a relatively easy technique to learn. Of course, it’s not about technique or methods, but a technique does put us in a place where we can allow, and the fleeting moments, as you say, can coalesce into something else.

      Addictions are a tough business. There are awakening solutions for addictions–the closest one I’ve found so far is Rational Recover, which I heartily recommend. But addiction, I believe is a matter of letting go of limiting beliefs. In a sense, expanding awareness is breaking the addiction to thought.

      “My egoic mind has a tendency of trying to keep me projected out into an imagined future or wanting to relive the past. It rarely wants to settle down and let present moment awareness slip in. When it does, though, the only word I can think of to describe it – which doesn’t even touch how magnificent the feeling is – is bliss.”

      Beautiful!

      take care,
      k

  4. Lisa (mommymystic)

    This is such a beautiful post. What a full life you have lived, and fascinating story you have. Most people with a story like yours, with the drama, would be owned by it, consumed by it. I guess you were for many years. How fortunate that you traveled through it to the place you are now.
    What you say about depression is so essential – that it strips away our crutches and offers us an opportunity to see truth, in all its bareness. In a way, there is nothing left to be scared of, nothing left to fend off out of a fear that it will cause us pain, because we have already experienced the depths of pain itself. One Buddhist teacher I like, Tsultrim Allione, writes of her own visit to the depths of depression in her book Women of Wisdom, that I recently read, and how her depression became a springboard for her, an opening and turning point in her life. As you know, I recently wrote of how an acute awareness of our own mortality can do this, but depression is the same, I think. Either way, you are left stripped down, and when you have nothing to lose, you are ready to face truth.
    It is the same for me, although the exact story is too much to go into here. But it has enabled me to see any challenge, any disturbance, that arises in my mind differently. Now I can see them as opportunities, and that changes my perception of life entirely. Then everything is always just as it should be, as Byron Katie says, because there is no resistance. I think it’s so important to talk about awakening in these terms, as all too often it is presented as a fantasy, getting-everything-you-ever-wanted state. Thanks for your honesty.
    .-= Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..August Month in Review =-.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Lisa,

      Thanks for the kind words.

      Depression is dark thing, but as you point out, it can also lead to surrender. You’re right, meditating on our own death can be an important opening, and perhaps this is the gift depression brings.

      You’re so right, I do believe now that it is is all about letting go. “Either way, you are left stripped down, and when you have nothing to lose, you are ready to face truth.”

      Perfect!

      K

  5. Lisis

    Thank you for this, Kaushik!

    You know, for months I have seen your comments around the ‘sphere, and I am always moved by them. I have always wanted to know more about you… how did you get to be so profound, so aware, so at peace? This post has given me a rare and precious glimpse into how this particular diamond was formed.

    I don’t even know where to begin, there’s SO much I enjoyed about this post. The story of your childhood would make for a fantastic book. I love how really serious, huge stuff was going on around you, but to you (a kid) it boiled down to adventure and getting to miss school, to some extent. This is what I hope my son’s experience will be as we go through our “growing pains” from the rat race to the “free” world. I hope it will be one big, awesome adventure for him.

    Then there’s the depression side. My dad was bipolar, and I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. The thing about being depressed is you sort of go from hopeless and despondent to a sort of neutral state (knowing the hopelessness will return)… there isn’t ever the manic high, but it’s still a bit of a pendulum. My life has become about learning to live around that pendulum. When I’m down, I wait for it to pass (like huddling in the basement when tornadoes are in the forecast). When I’m not, I try to make the most of every bit of every day.

    I could go on and on… but, in short: this was a spectacular post!
    .-= Lisis´s last blog ..Road to Freedom Update #3: Facing Uncertainty =-.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Lisis,

      Ah, such wonderful praise, coming from you! Thanks.

      I am positive your son will look back at this time as a wonderful experience you gave him. I read somewhere that all a any human being ever needs is unconditional love, and this is perhaps more true of the young, and I’m sure you’re already giving him that. Awakening can turn our world upside down. As Adyashanti says, be ready to lose your world.

      You have some experience with depression and bipolar affliction as well. Even though it creates havoc, it also brings a certain grounding and wisdom. As you put it so beautifully, we learn to live around the pendulum.

      Thanks for a fantastic comment!

      k

  6. Chris Edgar | Purpose Power Coaching

    Yes, that is an interesting question, asking what I am — what is the nature of the thing that is thinking these thoughts or wanting this or feeling that? Like several teachers say, I do draw a blank when I look at this question, and maybe feel some vertigo. I want to ask “how do I see that my nature is that blankness,” but what is the “I” that wants to see its own nature? It is all very intriguing to me right now.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Chris,
      It is in indeed intriguing to chase the sense of “I AM.” I’m glad you pointed out the vertigo–it can get a little disorienting. We are so used to holding on to our thoughts and beliefs, that letting go can feel like a free fall. But then it is seen that it’s more a floating than a fall.

      Thanks for the insight!
      k

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Kaizan,
      That’s a wonderful quotation form J.Krishnamurti. It says it all: I don’t mind what happens. A friend recently sent another gem from JK, and I’m sure she wont’ mind if I quote her here:

      Instead, he says, drop the labels, symbols, idolatry and “be a light to yourself.” I love that .. so simple. And another favorite JK quote; I’m sure you’re aware of it: …”Perhaps you may come upon that mystery which nobody can reveal to you and nothing can destroy.”

      k

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Jonathan,

      Good to hear from you again.

      Thoughts come and go. When there are no thoughts, there is still awareness. We are not thoughts. We could say we are the background awareness in which thoughts pop up.

      We mistakenly identify with thought. We think we are a bunch of thoughts. We can realize this simply by witnessing thought. We can passively watch thoughts, a as witness, as an observer. When you do this, you will notice that thoughts the gaps between thoughts widen, and thoughts diminish.

      We are that which is able to be aware of thought.

      Be well my friend,
      k

  7. Brenda

    Consciousness, thought, ego, mind, spirit — these ideas tantalize us, don’t they? Enlightenment, awareness, peace, joy, depression. It can feel dizzying, like Chris said, trying to get a grip on all these ideas. It’s like grasping at feathers in the air. The movement of air from your grasping hand pushes the feathers away. Then you stop grasping and the feathers float down on top of you. Simple, gentle, easy.

    Where all these tantalizing, abstract notions come from I can’t imagine, given that at the core of our being, at the subatomic level, we are nothing more than empty, light-filled space. Maybe “light” is the key here, as in the incredible lightness of being, light workers, lighten up, etc.

    Looking forward to your next post. This one was great. I loved the personal history part. Such incredible experience for a child. Thanks, Kaushik.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Brenda,
      Yes, consicousness, thought, ego, mind, spirit, samadhi–all these become beautiful concepts, and as concepts they are useless. The clinging to these concepts is an obstacle. Very nicel put: when we top grasping, stop trying to understand, they float down to us.

      What a nice comment!

      I hope you are well, dear friend,
      k

  8. Liara Covert

    Love is the answer. When anyone evokes negative emotions within you, notice that that person can be inviting you into revenge and angry mode. If you choose to step back and view the person as reflection of some side of yourself, this enables you to reframe the perception. Rather than choose to learn negative things from someone, choose to sense the lesson about love that is coming across. This shifts your energy vibration to a higher level.

    In my Self-Disclosure: Changes from Within book, I include quotes from ~145 individuals. One of those individuals is Idi Amin. His life choices invite everyone to raise self-awareness of compression, contrast, the need for change, and other valuable lessons that remind you the power of love is a strong flow of light. You can focus on the light and it grows. Focus on darkeness and it grows. Contrast is necessary for expansion. You are invited to rise above it.
    .-= Liara Covert´s last blog ..How to access inner wisdom? =-.

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  10. steve

    thanks for this.. the idea of having an awakening out of a depressed state is not one that i’ve experienced personally but have heard a lot about. ekhart tolle’s book–which, on the whole, i thought was a bit preachy–“the power of now” described an experience like that. very interesting. thankyou
    .-= steve´s last blog ..What do you really want? =-.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Steve,
      The first time I read the “The Power of Now,” I did not know what to make of it. I read it through, something in it appealed to me, but something in it also made me very resistant. After some time, I re-read it, and it begin to sink in. I’ve learned since then that anytime resistance comes up, it is something I should let sit and simple be aware of. Truth emerges when resistance dissolves.
      k

  11. Wilma Ham

    Hi Kaushik.
    The mind is not equiped to sort life issues, that is the domain of the heart. Our heart is however NOT that articulate as the mind, the heart feels and is intuitive and therefor cannot reason with the mind. Only a strong heart can override the mind with its strong inner knowing. The mind withouth the guidance of the heart goes into reverse logic, has random thoughts that are externally influenced by the fashion of the month and makes a mess of things. These words sound simple, but it has taken me a loooong time to understand.
    Now I am making my heart strong by living in integrity and daily living that allows to see the beauty in things and that calms down my random mind by guiding it firmly by these principles. Life from love and integrity is actually very practical and very rewarding and very straigh forward like Byron Katie points out. God is a very practical dude/woman, Source, look at all the things created in nature and how they work out. For me sprituality is part of daily life, it is love in action in my daily doing and that way life works out and has lots of miracles in it. I realy watch to make it no longer complicated with my mind and thoughts.
    .-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..What happened to my Integrity? =-.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Wilma,

      Yes, you’re so right, the mind is a wonderful instrument for symbolic manipulation, but a rather poor life-guide. When we can dis-identify from thought, the mind quiets, and we are then able to listen to the Heart. Once we can do this, life simply flows. Thanks very much for the very incisive comment!

      k

  12. Walter

    Your story is profound. I have experienced depression many years ago and it was very difficult. I did not know what causing it, I felt fear deep inside and I cried most of the time.

    But one day a thought came that I need to battle the depression that’s eating me. So I wage a war on my mind to fight this phantom. I succeeded.

    Now I see life in a different way. I know I have a purpose and I realized that my form is limited. I realized that I’m one with the infinite. So I fear death no more.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Walter,
      It is indeed wonderful that you have found peace with depression. The realization that form is limited and we are something much greater than our minds is the trick! Thanks for sharing your insight.

      k

  13. Lender

    I think what you have done here must have required a great deal of bravery on your part. It couldn’t have been very easy for you to share such personal details of your life with the world, and I applaud you for going ahead and doing it anyway.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Jessica,

      Thanks you for your support and kind words. Sorry for the delay in posting your comment; it for some reason went into spam. It shouldn’t happen again. Thanks!
      k

  14. Evita

    Kaushik, it was an honor to read your story!

    You definitely went through a lot, but as the quote from Byron Katie says, nothing happens to us. We create each and every experience for our growth and evolution.

    You went through what you went through, because your soul knew this is how you would awaken. This is how you would remember who you really are.

    I love when you say religion says there is heaven after death, awakening tells you it is right now. I completely agree.

    I had my own awakening, and although it wasn’t painful in almost any way, it literally pulled me out by the roots to start fresh on this Earth and it has since been a deep and delicious existence.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Evita,

      “I had my own awakening, and although it wasn’t painful in almost any way, it literally pulled me out by the roots to start fresh on this Earth and it has since been a deep and delicious existence.”

      Beautifully said! Thank you.

      k

  15. Paul Maurice Martin

    I like to think the face behind the mask has essentially the same features for us all. But the varying masks and how to go about seeing through them – the relationship between psychology and spirituality – makes our specific paths highly individual in many respects.

    1. Kaushik Post author

      Hi Paul,

      Yes, it’s interesting that each journey is unique, and yet there seem to many common elements. It’s rather mysterious, and beautiful, and for me, it transmuted from misery to joy-peace in a way that I don’t quite understand.

      k

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