Notice, notice everything, with the view I don’t exist, without expectation or anticipation or projection.
This is the inquiry I am doing.
When doubts pop up, I ask what it is that is doubting. When thought-stories pop up, I inquire who the story is about. My conceptual understanding of “I do not exist” is complete, and yet the recognition has not dawned.
And that’s okay. I can be patient. There is no frustration. Only noticing.
There is no secret or pointer I need. It wouldn’t help anyway. I no longer transfer my authority. It’s all right here, right now, in this sphere of relevance, and it will work itself out. I just need to continue.
There is some confusion as to what is the self and ego and “I” and how they relate sometimes. I simplify it and know that identities remain, and a sense of self remains, it’s just that they are not my identities, and not my sense of self.
Some people have suggested that the recognition must have already popped, and I’m somehow not allowing it.
I don’t think so. If something bad were to happen in my life, I would still take it very personally. That is my test. I don’t know what freedom is, but I’m pretty sure it should have a feeling of ease about it.
Even though the recognition has not popped, a number of insights have fallen out of this inquiry. This is powerful stuff.
You know where shame comes from? Shame, embarrassment, shyness, self-consciousness?
The hint is in “self-consciousness.”
It is the feeling of the impostor. It is the nagging feeling that you are not life but rather an imagined idea, an impostor, and so you feel separated, and there is also the thought that everyone else unlike you is one with life. Together, these thoughts bring about the feelings of shame, inadequacy, embarrassment and so on.
Another important revelation that is falling out of this inquiry is insight into why it is that so many of us spend decades, even lifetimes, seeking. We seek through spiritual practices and beautifully woven spiritual theories.
Many of the enlightened say that awakening is rather simple, when it happens. Many say that there isn’t much difference between the unenlightened and enlightened, except a small but important shift in perspective.
The reason we get lost in seeking is that we never look. We do everything else, we even talk about looking, and we discuss what it might mean to look, and what will happen. We even discuss, very absurdly, that we shouldn’t forget what we actually are when we are trying to see what we are not.
Our practices don’t work, they can’t work, because it is the I which is practicing.
Practices and theories do have some benefit–they seem to constrain the dualistic experience, and give us a stabilized state of imprisonment.
Meditation, awareness, releasing, expounding on spiritual theories, spirituality and so on are still dream-state experiences of the “I”. It’s as if the “I” is trying to shift from egoic identities to Awareness.
What it seems to take is a willingness to drop everything I know and just look, normally, to see that I don’t exist.
When I started this inquiry, I started with the intention of letting go of everything that I know. It hasn’t been difficult to let go of concepts and ideas and beliefs, but letting go of the tricks I learned through practices of awareness/release/meditation has proven more difficult. I tend to get into states of quiet no-mind.
Yet another revelation is everything remains. I had assumed that identity gets obliterated, but it doesn’t. It’s just that they are not my identities.
I then had a subtle assumption that the I will shift from owning identities to owning awareness. Somehow, the I will jump from egoic identities to clear awareness. This too is not the case. There is no I. It’s not my awareness. Just awareness–it’s rather impersonal.
The illusion of self is in the mind. And the mind has to be completely involved in the recognition of the illusion. Insight does not happen in the mind, but the mind is a player. Not awareness, not meditation, not clarity, not a quiet mind, but actual looking in the mind and with the mind and through the mind.
The truth must be revealed from within the illusion.