What is my goal?
To be a natural human being, free of the insanity the ego and conditioned-pain and destructive patterns and self-limiting thoughts, and free from the energy of seeking and wishing to be different–in short, to be free of fear and its effects.
How is it that I am not free right now?
In the last year particularly there has been a release, a shift. I feel more at home, easier, lighter, less resistant, more honest with myself and others. I feel healthier, I sleep much better, I eat better, I don’t experience episodic depression and anxiety in the way I used to. I relate more openly with people. Some emotions have gone away or I no longer take them as personally as I did before; emotions such as regret, remorse, uncaused sadness.
Perhaps the only complaint I have, in practical terms, is that my life is a little dull. I haven’t made the effort to re-engage.
Life is very good.
There is still some resistance. There are still some mental conflicts.
There are specific fears which come up…insecurity of the future, the need for approval and validation, and others.
Sometimes my reactions are unconscious—in those times I have the feeling that whatever I am thinking or doing or feeling or saying is not natural but motivated by reactive patterns. Recently, an egoic emotion of anger came up because I did not get what I wanted from someone—and this is something I thought I had released a long time ago. It surprised me.
In the quietest of times, I can feel a subtle hum of anxiety in my body.
Overall, I cannot report that I am completely satisfied with life.
How will I know when I am free?
When life is lived in satisfaction and the need to ask this question disappears.
I do not expect that all the things which I consider negative or confusing or binding will go away—maybe they will. I expect more that there will be no resistance to whatever is happening.
What am I doing about this?
At this point, not much at all. I recognized a little over a year ago that the original problem is fear—this was big.
Fear damages all of our mental structures (ego, pain-body, beliefs, and so on). Life is experienced in the mind. All sensations and perceptions and experiences are in or of or through the mind, and when mental structures are compromised by fear, nothing can be certain, not even our frantic efforts to fix ourselves.
With that recognition I was able to let go of a five year spiritual search.
This release brought about a shift, a great delight, acceptance, understanding, and a renewed wish to re-engage in life. A great deal of resistance fell away.
Now, things have settled a bit. I don’t know what the next step is but experience has taught me to be patient. It will be clear soon enough.
So what’s my spiritual practice?
My spiritual practice is neither.
When I remember to, I bring attention to the sense of I AM, or very simply, the ordinary sense of me (as suggested by Nisargadutt and Ramana, and very cleanly clarified byJohnSherman). This is effortless now. I see that what it feels like to be me is constant and has always been the same. I see that the sense of me is really awareness, presence, stillness.
I try to be aware whenever I remember. I try to fall back out of conditioned thoughts and emotions to a quieter place inside, and allow and observe.
I use the release technique whenever I feel harsh emotions.
I am patient.
I started this website to share my journey. Honesty and authenticity developed over time. In the beginning years I had a great wish to help others—but that energy has dissipated with the realization that though the basic problem of fear is universal, everyone’s insanity and recovery is highly individual.
Now, I write what I want…I want to be honest and authentic and relevant. Much has changed—I know I should re-organize the website and the books…oh well.