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Dark Night of the Soul
Spiritual awakening doesn’t happen because you master some spiritual technique. There are lots of skillful meditators who are not awake. Awakening happens when you stop bullshitting yourself into continual nonawakening. It’s very easy to use disciplines to avoid reality rather than to encounter it. A true spirituality will have you continually facing your illusions and all the ways you avoid reality. Spiritual practice may be an important means of confronting yourself, or it may be a means of avoiding yourself; it all depends on your attitude and intention. -Adyashanti
Three years ago I had a shift of consciousness. It was not a sudden opening and it didn’t really feel like a big deal at that time. All that really happened is that I read Eckhart Tolle’s Power of Now, and it made complete sense to me, whereas on previous readings it had not.
With the shift, I started exploring, mostly through reading. I went through a period of high-energy and ecstasy. Life was eventful, fun and easy. Just to be and breathe was delicious. Decisions came to me pre-made. Life was living itself, experiencing, in peaceful flow. I traveled. I wrote. I was engaged with family and friends and living.
I was also dealing with feelings of deep longing for someone. This was a little bizarre, because I had ended the relationship two years before. I was surprised that there were feelings that I had not been conscious of, and was really surprised at the intensity of the feelings.
After about a year and half, life slowed down. The ecstasy waned. Agony waxed.
The feelings of longing and what I had thought was unrequited love continued, and even intensified, to the point where I sometimes felt it was unhealthily obsessive.
There was anxiety, and this was a shocking disappointment. How could I feel anxiety, when I thought I had awakened out of depression and anxiety and the rest of the mess?
I have written about releasing anxiety, and releasing compulsive thoughts, and how to reconcile the feelings of longing.
Edvard Munch: The Scream
Even with this releasing though, what remained was not fun. For a long period I felt apathetic and detached and alone. There was no zest to life.
This depression is different from clinical depression. In depressive episodes in the past, I had felt a deep sense of nihilistic futility and unhappiness. This spiritual depression was not unhappy or nihilistic. It was apathetic and inactive and indecisive.
I’ve heard this described as spiritual depression or the “dark night of the soul.”
Why agony
Consciousness is more conscious but embodied patterns continue.
The mind loves to run through its grooves of conditioning. My conditioning includes patterns of depression and withdrawal. For me the dark night shows up as ennui. It may be different for you. Old patterns die hard.
The agony of awakening is often exacerbated by expectation. We have certain ideas of awakening, usually very romantic ones. We’ve heard about oneness and bliss. The ego wants in on this, and it creates ideas of an enlightened future where we’ll be super-spiritual, super-effective, super-happy—essentially super-human.
So when old-habits re-emerge, it’s quite a let-down.
I think many people are even reluctant to talk about it, since they have set the expectation in themselves and others that they had permanently shifted to some sort of a blissed-out dimension.
We may feel that we are not fitting in. We feel inadequate and alienated. We’re in the middle stages somewhere with this awakening thing, and we may feel that there are people who seem be able to completely embrace awakening. Their lives, seemingly, are flowing and easy and directed, and yet here we are, somewhat opened up, and yet dragging the heavy burdens of old tendencies, unable to let go.
And the old drivers are no longer helpful. In the past, we may have been able to “power through”, by setting goals, and by positive thinking, and with self-discipline and effort. We now have the intuition that this sort of self-forcing cannot be sustained.
Friends and family may be concerned, and may try to help, but at this point we realize that nobody can really help us. It has to all come from inside.
We may find that our concepts are no longer of much help. We’ve probably at this stage left behind the need to intellectually dissect and understand. We find though that even spiritual concepts are of no help. We read about karma and compassion and acceptance and letting go, and yet these concepts no longer help in any real way. There is a continual checking back—what is it that I don’t know, what is it that I’m not doing, what is it that I’m doing wrong? Where is the damned flow that people love to talk about? Where is the freaking joy and peace that everyone vehemently shouts about?
And these times seem never-ending. Will I really see the light? Is there really a light to see? Or is this all some complicated play of the emperor’s clothes, illusions within illusions within illusions?
We can’t even go back to our old pretend-lives. We can’t muster up the old pretenses and drivers and make ourselves a conventional life in the sleepy auto-pilot mode, giving only bare attention to what’s going on inside us. Once there has been a willingness to see, there is no turning back.
Nothing seems to help. Certainly no thought or emotion or belief can help us for long. We don’t want to pretend any more. We don’t want the temporary solutions of discipline and re-arranging beliefs. Where do we turn? What do we do?
What to do
Well, I don’t have an earth-shattering answer.
This was not a satisfying article to write. I have presented a case for spiritual depression. I don’t know that everyone who is awakening goes through it, but there are enough references out there to suggest that many of us do.
Adyashanti talks about it here. What was striking to me here was the voice of the questioner. Her despair and uncertainty come right through.
Whatever agony is showing up in us has always existed in us. It’s nothing new. It’s showing up now, a little differently and more acutely, because we are waking up. At some point, we recognize this, and we stop resisting. At some point, we realize that the only problem there ever is, is resistance.
And this may be it. The purpose of these agonizing states may be the opportunity to surrender. The answer may be in the very problem. The answer is in the questions we ask ourselves: where do we turn, what do we do.
It is not what we do. It is what we stop doing. We stop resisting.
In the next few articles I will consider this further.
Have you experienced this ebb and flow? What do you do about it?
If you enjoyed this article, you may also enjoy:
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- Allowing the Disturbing States When I recognized I was in a...
- Flow…A Few More Words Is flow the same as awakening? Yes....
Hi Kaushik. Happy 2010!
Earlier today I read an article by Jeannie Zandi titled “Dark Night of the Soul.”
I also read something about conditioning, which said that our conditioning is nothing more than acquired learning, and that we learn mostly through repetition, and this repetition creates neural pathways in our brains that are as visible as grooves on vinyl. One of those pathways gets labeled ‘Sh*t Happens and it Hurts!’
But that’s the jargon of the brain. If we can get totally behind the brain and see it firing away like a dutiful computer, sometimes opening the SHaH folder, we can see a little me at work, doing what it’s always done, what it was taught to do, which was to be a dutiful child. That’s why you say ‘Old patterns die hard’, b/c those patterns are literally etched into our brains by conditioning. And even if opening that SH file is unavoidable and ineluctable, we can still maintain a vantage point behind the brain and view it as just some stuff happening to the diligent student in us. That poor kid needs a break!
I think ‘the opportunity to surrender’ would make a nice post title. I enjoyed this one very much and look forward to sharing this exciting new year with you.
.-= Brenda (betaphi)´s last blog ..A Poem by Naomi Shihab Nye =-.
Hi Brenda,
Yes, I’ve used the terminology of grooves. The mind, as you point out, is a fast habit computer. And with awakening, the ego rebels and uses our own thoughts and grooves to remain in control. We can do the work of releasing, and this helps. We can see that these are grooves, and the emotions are body sensations, and we let go. What can make SH files tough is we can’t always see them. They show up as low-energy or confusion or detachment. I like what you say, to maintain a vantage point in awareness, and watch, and take the opportunity to surrender.
Happy 2010 to you as well my friend!
Peace,
k
You speak my heart, Kaushik. But I’m afraid I have nothing to add or contribute. I feel so drained. From where I’m at now… it’s like a circus show that’s falling apart and I’ve no desire to contain it …. and still there are old habits playing themselves out. I ask myself: have I not been here before? But it’s still going on and on… and every time I think the show is almost over, it surprises me again and comes back even stronger. At times I find it funny to watch the mind habits and the tricks… not even really making sense or satisfying to the mind itself lately… its like a broken record that’s getting louder that you can’t make out the words anymore… yet the resistance still shows itself… and at times it feels like the ego is laughing at me… and my drained Self is watching but tired, not amused anymore… waiting to get some rest before the next show.
My only comfort is the stillness inside.
Hi Masi,
Yes, exactly. The “disturbing” states keep coming back until they are all released and we can abide in Awareness. I think it’s very common.
I don’t know that there are any definitive answers. It can help to know we are not alone in this. The thoughts that come up when we’re in these states are: “What’s wrong with me? Why does this keep happening to me when it seems other people go through this much more smoothly? This will always keep happening to me.” Doubts come up.
We know we should just let it be and watch and release. This isn’t always easy to do because these states are highly inconvenient. We have the business of life to attend to. Often we go through these states very quietly, but if we do seek help we may find that society and friends and family don’t really understand this.
There are some practical things we can do, such as simplify our lives. We can decide not to make any big changes in our lives at these times. Exercise and taking good care of the body can help, but of course this too can be difficult in these states.
We can watch these states with same awareness that we use to watch positive states. We can continue to release. In the end, it is about dropping all resistance–surrendering. We can even invite these states. By definition, inviting happens if there is no resistance to them.
Take care my friend,
k
OOOOHHHHH do I understand this. As a matter of fact, I’m working through a little of this myself. It’s hard, especially when you’ve come so far. I have accepted this as a fact of life, and of growing…and I realize, with every ‘setback’ I come out a little stronger in the end. That’s not to say that I don’t wish there was a little magic “mantra” to knock me out of it…..
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..My Resolution~Learn to Let Love In =-.
Hi Dawn,
Yes, we do come out stronger. I know what you mean, we wish for a quick fix. It seems to come down to the dropping of resistance, remaining in awareness, surrendering to it…
Thanks for you thoughts! I hope you are well.
Peace,
k
I got enlightenment by watching a movie. This movie awakened me by showing me that true life was not “out” there or over the rainbow. God was and is always with me at all times when I simply quit trying to find it. That I never had to go on any journey to find it. It was a journey without distance. Only after getting hit on the head did I begin to wake up. But the key was when I saw that the little man behind the curtain (organized religion) was just that- a little man.
The movie that woke me up. THE WIZARD OF OZ, LOL.
don
peace out
spiritnewsdaily.com
.-= Don´s last blog ..Why conservatives hate Avatar =-.
Hi Don,
You’ve hit it. Seeking is an obstacle to the clear seeing that we already have it. It’s the dog chasing its tail. For many of us, we have to chase our tails till we’re exhausted and then we can allow.
Thanks for visiting and commenting!
Peace,
k
Thank you for sharing this post with us Kaushik. I especially could resonate with this part – “The agony of awakening is often exacerbated by expectation”
I don’t remember which of the enlightened masters said it but he said :”It is Ego that wants to get rid of the Ego”. I think it goes perfectly with what you described.
.-= Lana – DreamFollowers Blog´s last blog ..My 2010 Goals and Two Awesome Techniques I Used to Set Them =-.
Hi Lana,
Great quotation. Yes, it seems in the end that all the angst and thrashing about is to simply help us get past all of it.
Thanks for visiting and your insightful comment!
Peace,
k
Hey Kaushik,
At first I was wondering where you were going with this post and then I realised exactly where you were coming from.
Allow me to share something I’ve learned. The times I’m down, are the times I’m grateful for the most, they allow me to appreciate the good times. Relativity has a purpose and it’s purpose is contrast so we can appreciate. People can fight and resist the bad times but ultimately they’re serving a purpose for us that.
So when I feel down, I just go with it, it happens and it’s part of life, we’re not perfect and far from it. I believe the guru’s have those moment too, they just don’t show their discomfort, they’re detached from those feelings because they recognise deeply that it’s part of the great contrasting circle of life.
.-= Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..Why It’s Pointless Going To University To Get A Degree =-.
Hi Amit,
Yes, even as awakening deepens, and consciousness becomes more and more consciousness, the down times can continue, and sometimes they can get intense. The trick is, as you say, to drop resistance. Then we can learn lessons of self-acceptance. Of course, at the down times, these are not the easiest things to do, and that’s the lesson.
Thanks for visiting and your insightful thoughts!
Peace,
k
Hi Kaushik,
My dark night of the soul occurred when I was 25. I remember that night as if it were yesterday. It was sheer and utter hell. I was scared and empty and had no clue what this all meant. However, it was the best thing that ever happened to me because it began a journey of facing up to my junk and peeling back all the crap that I had layered on top of myself for no good reason. I had a lot of issues to work through but I kept at it.
Yes, there were moments of agony but with each new realization, the agony lessened. In my experience, I think a lot of it depends on the willingness of the person to endure the dark night of the soul. People want enlightenment without the work and it just does not work that way.
In order to be awakened, you have to realize that everything that you were taught to believe in is not real. Many people like to be confined to what they know and the moment you have awareness, it just breaks all those perceptions. Not everyone is capable of handling that truth. I have seen people claim to be spiritual and yet be so unawakened. I have seen people who have no spiritual knowledge and yet be so intuned. There is no set method….thankfully!
.-= Nadia – Happy Lotus´s last blog ..Decisions, Decisions, Decisions =-.
Hi Nadia,
It sounds like your dark night happened in a short, intense burst. Some people report these intense experiences, and others go through more extended ones, and some say they go through multiple experiences.
I think that everyone is capable of handling the truth, because underneath it all, that’s what’s real. Some may go through intense experiences, some may go through multiple, extended, milder ones. As you point out when there is willingness, we can allow, and the agony lessens, at some point we are not afraid of whatever we experience. And this may be the lesson, because it is this falling away of resistance that makes the turn-around.
There is no set method, indeed. There are so many varying experiences.
Yes, being spiritual doesn’t always help–as Adyashanti says, he doesn’t quite understand how spirituality got mixed up with awakening. It’s not spiritual knowledge and it’s not intellectual understanding and it’s not any sort of practice–and yet these are the things some of us need to get ready.
Great insights, Nadia. I hope you are well!
Peace,
k
great post
Hey Kaushik
Everyone gets frustrated like that from time to time. The fact that you were able to open and honestly expose what’s going inside of you was already a sign that your ego is falling apart. As you know the ego likes to attach itself to concepts and ideas – that’s the way it survives. “Ego”, “patterns”, “dark night of the soul” are nothing but mind stuff. They don’t exist per se, they are just pointers that were born out of what we are – silence. The silence of which awareness is made is the ooooonly thing that matters! Bet you’ve read this a thousand times before eheh but you know, sometimes it’s all about the timing
In case you haven’t already, take a look at the book “The Bost Direct Means To Eternal Bliss” by Michael Langford. It’s great 
Love,
J.
Hi Joao,
I have read Michael Langford’s book. It’s available on line and the link is here. It’s pretty good–has a good description of how the ego works.
You’re right, ultimately all these are concepts. The ego, stuck patterns, dark night and so on, are deeper and deeper concepts, and as we release and be aware, these deeper concepts surface. We can release these as we learn to allow and accept and see that this is just more mind-stuff.
You’re absolutely right, that timing is crucial. We can learn something at one point and it might not make sense, and at another time, it is crystal clear. Awakening is when we stop bullshitting ourselves, and it’s a process.
I completely understand what you were getting to in the comment, that there awareness, and everything else is mind illusions.
Thanks for the great insights and thanks for visiting.
Peace,
k
I meant “Most Direct Means To Eternal Bliss”
sorry about that.
.-= João´s last blog ..Quatro da manhã, hey! =-.
The Most Rapid and Direct Means to Eternal Bliss
Hi Kaushik,
Is this what you’re going through now or is it history?
I totally agree with you – as the journey deepens, the ego’s concepts become much deeper, revolving around the self, our purpose, doubting our path, whereas before our concepts were much simpler (work hard, smile more often, impress the boss etc.)
It’s perhaps this doubt combined with the uncertainty of shifting into new territory that leads to stagnation and the apathy that you describe…at least that’s how I believe it is in me, at least.
The trick is to realize that these new doubts are just more attempts by the ego, and to really, truly, let go.
Hi Andrew,
Yes, that is indeed the trick to let go. We can take some comfort in knowing that we not alone in this, and that “this too shall pass,” and that these down times indicate that we are indeed letting go and seeing through the ego. It’s just more mindstuff, maybe deeper mindstuff, but nevertheless just mindstuff to let go.
Great insight, thanks!
I hope you are well!
Peace,
k
Hi Kaushik
You are delightfully human, I would say when I read this:
“So when old-habits re-emerge, it’s quite a let-down.
We’re in the middle stages somewhere with this awakening thing, and we may feel that there are people who seem be able to completely embrace awakening. Their lives, seemingly, are flowing and easy and directed, and yet here we are, somewhat opened up, and yet dragging the heavy burdens of old tendencies, unable to let go.”
AND at those times I need a hug and warmth and just comforting without indulging myself further in that feeling.
You can either dramatize this and feed the pain body or you can accept it and see it for what it is, a temporary set back because the old status quo is still the water we swim in.
The trick is not to get too upset and feel as a failure, again that is just the mind and ego and little voice playing up.
For me I replace that mind chatter by doing physical things that need my attention and indulge myself in comforting myself and making sure I hold on to the knowledge that all this will pass.
Good point to bring up.
Love Wilma .
.-= Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Only acceptance has you do things differently. =-.
Hi Wilma,
Yes, beautifully wise words. We simply allow, let it be, and watch. And the know that this too shall pass.
Thanks, wonderful insight.
I hope you’re well!
Peace,
k
Kaushik, as usual, your writing gets deeper and more meaningful to me as time wears on. I loved this post, even though (as you said) it was hard in some ways — to read and to write.
I had a dark night of the soul that lasted very similarly to how you described yours from the middle of 2008 to the beginning of 2009. Almost a year. I love how you said that the old tendencies that surfaced (for me, an addiction) are always there; they’re just looking for cracks in our armor and a chance to surface and grab some sun. Certainly that was the case for me. I wasn’t clinically depressed, but I was definitely spiritually depressed. And the greatest thing is, even though it’s subsided for now, I know it can come back at any time. Probably when I’m feeling the most cocky and self-assured and JOYFUL! Those dark nights of the soul are tricky like that, but oh so necessary. Ennui is such a great way to describe it. I wasn’t self-loathing and super down all the time, but I lacked the same zeal for life I was used to having. And there were times when I dipped so low I scared myself… But never as low as before I landed on this spiritual path to begin with nine years ago.
I can’t wait for your next post.
Love to you, my friend.
.-= Megan “JoyGirl!” Bord´s last blog ..Funny Cookies =-.
Hi Megan,
Our experiences are very similar. Suffering brought me to a path of awakening, and there have been periods of bliss and periods of ennui. You’re right, it doesn’t have the qualities of self-loathing or futility that clinical depression has. And that’s a great point, that there are times of fear. But through it all, when courage is needed, it shows up.
Thanks so much for openly sharing.
And thanks for the kind words!
I hope you are well JoyGirl.
with love, k
Oh Kaushik, that quote and video by Adyashanti and the questioner are so…spot on…as is everything you have written, so honest and resonant. For a lot of reasons, I don’t write about my own personal journey online, but yes, I recognize this, in my own way. And I don’t have any answers either – to offer some would be to fall into another trap, as you are already walking the walk with such integrity, what could anyone possibly add at this point? I do love your point about these points of crises being a new opportunity to surrender, and for myself this is how at this time I have come to view the process – a constant spiral through joy, surfacing of new resistance, dark night, new surrender, new joy, and then again. Can I love that process, every moment of it, even in the dark parts of the spiral? That is how I think these days, for what it’s worth….Love, Lisa
.-= Lisa (mommymystic)´s last blog ..December Month in Review =-.
Hi Lisa,
What a wonderful comment! We have to allow and see that there is no actual problem, just resistance. And as you point out, loving the process, inviting it, is by definition dropping all resistance to it. It’s a great insight!
Thanks for visiting and thanks very much for the kind words!
I hope you are well!
Peace,
k
Kaushik, thanks for sharing this. I remember when I broke up with my first girlfriend, I became also depressed like you. I understood what what the pain it felt like. Even doing normal tasks that I loved to do seem to be difficult. And the more I thought about it, the more miserable I became.
Two years went by, and still I had thoughts about her. It became unhealthy. One day I realized that I was trying to control my past. I was digging more and more into an illusion that couldn’t be controlled.
When you go through so much pain, one day you wake up and you have a moment where you don’t think about anything. You just feel. That moment is a moment of peace. It is what Eckhard Tolle talks about in the Power of Now. To get over my emotional pain such as anxiety or sadness, I become more adept at letting go.
Currently, I’m more serene when it comes to that past relationship we had together. I met somebody else who appreciates, loves, respects me for who I am. I wouldn’t have done so if I was still living in the past.
Hi Hulbert,
Thanks for openly sharing. I think you’re spot on. It is all about letting go, but sometimes we are not able to quite understand what it is that we have to let go of. we simply have to allow, even invite, and love the process. “…one day you wake up and you have a moment where you don’t think…” That’s it!
Thanks for visiting and sharing. I hope you are well!
Peace,
k
“It is not what we do. It is what we stop doing. We stop resisting”
Powerful words Kaushik. Very meaningful indeed. It is very coincidental that it is the second time today that I came across the same theme I am currently writing a post about – non-resistance.
We keep on tripping ourselves over by trying to stay in control and resisting the natural ebb and flow of things. It is like when you are meditating and a part of you keeps on checking whether you are doing right or not instead of flowing with the current.
Good honest point about being let down by our expectations of awakening.
Yes we all have a romantic idea about awakening and our ego stills try to poke its finger in it. I think that this disappointment comes from our skewed sense of change and achievement. We always think that change is round the corner and we get deflated if we find out that it is farther away than that. We keep on forgetting that what is important is not the destination but the journey itself.
Once we let go of this sense of achievement, we awake a step further but awakening is a gradual never ending process. There is no graduation day. Ever.
Hi Gilbert,
Yes, your words resonate. It always comes down to resistance. We hear a lot about acceptance and forgiveness and so on–and these are important paths, but it’s difficult to understand them by accumulating concepts. My understanding came with the instinctive recognition that acceptance is something we stop doing.
We simply have to allow the ebb and flow. Sometimes this feels exhausting, and wisdom is in the exhaustion. With exhaustion, we stop resisting.
No graduation day, indeed!
Thanks for visiting and commenting, and thanks for great insights!
peace,
k
Hi Kaushik,
This post really spoke to me. I can relate exactly to how you describe spiritual depression. I’m generally joyful and positive and full of energy, but still, these episodes continue to occur for a day or a few days here and there. I’ve become better at dealing with them. For one, I observe them now instead of falling for them. I recognize that I’m in a spiritual slump and I don’t take it too seriously because I know it is temporary. And then I try to do the things I know will work to pull me through–time to contemplate, time to “play,” and a day or night out with my husband or friends. For me, these slumps are when I need to connect to other people more than anything. It’s the best antidote!
I am excited to read your next article. This is a great topic! Jodi
.-= Jodi at Joy Discovered´s last blog ..Shake Things Up! =-.
Hi Jodi,
Yes, this seems to be common experience. After an insight, we still have these periods of spiritual depression. It is the resistance of the ego; it is continue clinging to concepts, and in the end, it is not real. We can see this, as you point out, with observing nd allowing. It’s wonderful to not take them seriously, not believe the story of it.
Great advice Jodi, sometimes we can use these slumps to re-connect.
I hope you’re doing well!
Peace,
k
Kaushik,
Beautiful. Got reference to your blog through Blog Carnival. Will visit more often. This journey we are on has its peaks and valleys – we aim to be sthitapragna. Thank you for sharing.
basabi
.-= Basabi´s last blog ..Inherent Goodness =-.
Namaste Basabi,
Thanks for visiting and I look forward to your future visits and comments. I had to look up sthitaprajna. It is Krishna’s reference to a stable-wisdom in the Bhagvad Gita, Ch. 2:
54. What, O Krishna, is the description of him who has steady wisdom and is merged in the state of Sthitaprajna? How does one of steady wisdom speak? How does he sit? How does he walk?
55. When a man completely casts off, O Arjuna, all the desires of the mind and is satisfied in the Self by the Self, then is he said to be one of steady wisdom!
56. He whose mind is not shaken by adversity, who does not hanker after pleasures, and who is free from attachment, fear and anger, is called a sage of steady wisdom.
57. He who is everywhere without attachment, on meeting with anything good or bad, who neither rejoices nor hates, his wisdom is fixed.
58. When, like the tortoise which withdraws its limbs on all sides, he withdraws his senses from the sense-objects, then his wisdom becomes steady.
59. The objects of the senses turn away from the abstinent man, leaving the longing (behind); but his longing also turns away on seeing the Supreme.
60. The turbulent senses, O Arjuna, do violently carry away the mind of a wise man though he be striving (to control them)!
61. Having restrained them all he should sit steadfast, intent on Me; his wisdom is steady whose senses are under control.
62. When a man thinks of the objects, attachment to them arises; from attachment desire is born; from desire anger arises.
Thanks again.
k
I like the last line of the Adyashanti clip “beware of how much suffering you take from someone because you might be taking away their key to freedom.” That’s been a hard thing for me to accept. I love people; I want to help; I see “the way.” I build my own suffering with that way of thinking; its ego. There is no lasting “cure” for suffering outside of awareness and self love, especially when pain is self-inflicted. We each have to power to break our own hearts, you know? And then, we have the power to kiss and make-up with our lower/higher Self. Buy ourselves flowers. Whatever. Let the lifelong romance continue.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..The Surfers =-.
Hi Sarah,
Your expression is beautiful.
Yes, we add to our own suffering by resisting. We each certainly have the power, which is simply a moment to moment choice. We rest in Awareness, learn to release, and love ourselves enough. Yes, “kiss and make-up.”
love and peace,
k
When it feels like everything that made you real is falling apart
Let it Fall
When it feels like there is no meaning
Live without one
When emotion rises up and overwhelms you
Allow it to swallow you completely
Birds fly
Lions hunt
Humanity adapts
Embrace your true nature
Lovely poem, Spikyface. Embrace your true nature–yes, beautiful!
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Hi Kaushik,
That is a beautiful name you have! I just wanted to let you know that I googled Dark Night of the Soul, Opening up to Intuition, and I found this wonderful post. Your unsatisfying post turned out to be a great success! I am being coached by intuitives through my dark night of the soul right now, and apparently because of the decisions I made before coming to this planet are what put me in this. I am on the fast track. I am 25, and this awakening has been happening to me since I was born, like us all, but has really quickened since I started the seeking and purifying my soul. It’s a crazy thing that when we open ourselves up to healing our soul, we start to go through this shedding process that causes so much fear, depression, anxiety, pain. I thought reiki would just make all the pain from heartbreaks and a rocky childhood go away… Well, reiki is not a bandaid that keeps the wounds from hurting, but it instead ended up being a process like chemotherapy in a way. I had to burn out the old ways and bring in new. I had to face all the people, places and feelings that were imbedded as dark spots in my energetic body. The dark night of the soul hurts because we are healing the sore parts of us, and with love. It’s scary! Every time another depression hits, it forces us to use our inner strength to come out of it. Love has to come to the surface, or else everything else is too painful. We need love, and no I don’t think allowing and acceptance is the only answer when you are in the dark spot, even though all the books I read tell me that. I think it takes callibrated energy of love and desire to “get better” while also looking around through the eyes of love, and blessing the simple things of life like beauty, nature, family, and even seeing that every other human out there is a broken and imperfect being because we are humans. Accepting imperfection and seeking the joy, beauty and love in different ways will be what makes these dark times more tolerable. Things that give us happiness are not “bad things” because they are human. Even in heaven they enjoy having fun. If you remember to laugh the dark night of the soul will be so much more tolerable, and that is something I have not only learned but have been told by the white spirits who are coaching me. Love to you all, we’ll be fine <3
-Danniell McCallister
Hi Daniell,
Thanks for sharing your story. Thank you also for the kind words, and for visiting and commenting.
As you point out, the dark nights of soul are a process of healing. Healing can sometimes hurt, as we bring up repressed emotions and stories and delusions, and re-experience them before letting go.
Yes, remember to laugh. Decide to find it amusing!
Thanks. I hope you are well.
Love and peace,
k
I am 18 and for almost 8 months i have been going through this spiritual depression.it reached its peak in the last two months which were also my first 2 months of college.since the past few days it was peaceful but i’m wondering when it will completely end and what exactly are the causes and effects of such experiences which are confusing to u and the people around u.
Hi Eliza,
When it comes to depression (and the moderate affective disorders like bipolar and anxiety and OCD and so on), I suggest to people that they use every means available to them. This includes medication and therapy and simplifying life and meditation and releasing and so on. Be open.
Spiritual depression, in my experience, comes about from emotions turned inward. As we become more aware, and we release, we expose deeper layers. These deeper layers can bring about some confusion, agitation, frustration, low-energy and so on. The ego (that is, the bunch of thoughts and emotions that we think are us) will fight back. It doesn’t want to be exposed. The pain-body (that is, our remembered pain and conditioning) does not want to be seen, and it puts up fear. This, at least in my experience, is what spiritual depression amounts to.
When is it over? That’s hard to say. There’s a zen parable which implies that asking the question doubles the time it will take. The parable is meant to point out that there really isn’t an answer to this. In my experience, at least so far, there hasn’t been an event which I can point to and say, hey this is when it was over. In my experience, it has been a gradual releasing, a gradual seeing through of the ego (the ego is completely a part of me and yet does not define me), a learning of how to release emotions, a gradual development or radical self-honesty. What I’m working on now, is seeing through false sense of “me.”
I hope this helps, Eliza.
love and peace,
k
By the way, in the external resources page, I list an Eckhart Tolle forum, which is an excellent resource for these sort of questions.
Hi! Thank you so much for writing this. I am about to be 23 and I have been in a dark night of the soul very intensely for a little over a year now. I have never met anyone else going through this so it helps to know I am not alone. None of my family understands and thinks I am nuts.
I heard that Adyashanti video a few months ago and it really resonates with me. I feel so stuck right now because I am fighting and resisting. This is so painful because my “demons” are all coming up to the surface for me to finally face, embrace, love, and accept. I feel like I am going through a spiritual detox. I am very grateful for this because I know I will come out being my true Self, stronger, and more radiant for and I will be able to truly be of service to humanity, but it is difficult when you are in the eye of the storm. I feel as if my ego wants an “awakening” so that all the problems in my life will end (financial, family, etc.), but it won’t give up its “control” (I know this is the nature of the ego) I know I need to allow this process to pass, but I guess I am not ready yet. Like Adyashanti said, you will feel the pulls and fighting and you will feel tired of it, but when you truly are tired of it, you will drop the resistance. I usually feel like I am doing something wrong since my old life is collapsing, but I guess this shows that the detox is working. : )
Thanks again for this blog. It really helped me to put this into persepective and realize this is a normal process for the transition of an ego dominated life to living a life from our true Self. Namaste.
Hi Jennifer,
You are completely ready.
This article resonates with most of us who are awakening because I think what happens is that we get the insight into the problem, but not the solution. This shows up differently in different people, but basically it is that we now know there is division in us, and we know that we can be whole, but we’re not sure about the path. This is why many people get distraught after reading Eckhart Tolle.
And of course, as you say, old stuff starts coming up in us. What we can do with that is deal with it from a place of love. We acknowledge that it is happening. We can take some comfort in that the process is working. We love, allow, watch and be patient, and release.
There’s another point to make here though. Part of the reason we get distraught is that we start believing the myth that awakening is difficult or tricky. We hear stories of long-suffering people who spent 30 years meditating or chasing spiritual concepts, and they’re still seeking. And of course the people who have invested in long years of spiritual seeking want to promote this myth. We even hear and absorb that seeking is what keeps us trapped and yet we don’t how to do this without seeking.
These days I’m wondering if all of this backwards.
The core delusion is the delusion of the self. Shouldn’t we tackle that first? Go right after it, and see it through? That’s reasonable, but of course people will say well that’s not an easy thing to do.
And I wonder if that too is a myth.
Look directly at the self. See that you do not exist. See the world from that viewpoint. Don’t take this on as a belief. See it.
Thanks Jennifer for you visiting and commenting.
love and peace,
k
First I would like to thank you Kaushik for sharing your experience on the subject. Its hard to find a good community on this subject, but perhabs…here?
I have probably experienced the dark night for one year, because I concentrated on removing my filter of observing other peoples suffering. I have many questions, especially because you can´t really know who are the right one to ask.
Do you think it can be helpful to let as many negative feelings in as possible in order to overcome them?
Im wondering if you would characterize the evil as a bliss, once you accept your situation? Or is it simply remaining as an undescribable experience, that shouldn´t be theorized too much?
I often think of this process as spicy food. When you eat chili for the first time, perhabs you will burn and panically run for water. But when you keep eating it, you start thinking: `Hey, it´s not dangerous no matter how much it burns in your mouth`, and finally you will love it all and put chili on every meal.
I can recognize the idea from myself that everyone are already seeing clear but without knowing. But this issue is quite difficult for me to understand fully, how one can stand with one leg in Nirvana and another leg in a shit hole. Is it simply a question about theorizing one selfs condition and that inlightened people might go through heavy depressions too?
“one leg in Nirvana and another leg in a shit hole”. Sounds like a line from an Alanis Morrisette song, nice!
Hi Mikkel,
Emotions are built-up cycles. There is an energetic thought which might result in a feeling, that is sensations in the body, and then they energize each other, and we feel this as an emotion. Emotions build up with time. When we can consciously observe the emotion and know that it is just a thought associated with body sensations, we can remember how to release them. So, to answer your question, yes, let in the negative emotions, watch and allow and release. You are not really letting them in–they are already in. You are just deciding to watch them instead of repressing them.
Evil is a label and bliss is a temporary state of mind.
When enlightened, you don’t have an idea of “me” so I don’t see how enlightened people can possibly get depressed. On the other hand, Anthony de Mello says enlightened people do get depressed, they just don’t mind it as much. I am not enlightened, but in my own experience, through releasing, anxiety is gone. If it comes back, it is easily released. Depression can still come about, but the psychological symptoms of sadness and futility are gone, or at least they don’t get to extremes and they don’t last long. The physical symptoms, like low-energy and insomnia, still show up. But in the absence of psychological sadness, the physical symptoms are not hard to handle.
I hope this helps.
light and peace,
k
There are no mistakes. I quit writing my spiritual blog last night because I felt it was time to stop writing about my experiences and get serious about awakening. The blog was inspired by a life-changing event. Anyway, I have spent several years doing the spirituality thing, following gurus, working with techniques, reading, and either adding drama to my pain, causing suffering, or glossing the pain over with a spiritual overlay and convincing myself I felt good when I really didn’t. I saw where my writing was a distraction after a while. I was more concerned with telling others what I’d learned than actually seeing Truth and I finally realized, after re-reading Tolle the other day — first time in three years — it was time to do the work. Anyway, an hour after I signed off my site last night, I found your site and a series of insights that rang true with everything I had been experiencing and writing about. Eerily similar. So when I came upon your piece about spiritual depression today, I can’t say I was surprised. I am going through the exact experience you describe here, including holding on to intense feelings for a person some 2 1/2 years after we separated. The difference is now that I’m able to be honest with myself and really observe the thoughts, emotions, stories and lies that I accumulate around the false “I” and the false “you.” Anyway, reading your posts makes me feel that I’m seamlessly gliding into the next phase of awakening, right on time. Thanks.
It sounds like you’ve crossed a critical threshold.
At some point in our awakening, we take complete responsibility. We no longer just absorb what others say, even if it comes from gurus and spiritual traditions and famous people and high monks. We no longer automatically nod our heads at platitudes and clever sayings. We look, we weigh, consider the truth of it, with utter honesty. Then we see how it was that we had lied to ourselves, and how other so easily lie to themselves. We see that a lot of spirituality is suffused with the ego, and we see that a lot of spiritual beliefs are a bypass, a distraction from actual awakening.
It’s funny you mention holding onto intense feelings for someone–it seems that there are lot of people who I’m talking to right now who are doing just that. The Dalai Lama said “Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.” These feelings seem intense and long-lasting, but they are also our best opportunity to awaken. It was for me.
Thanks for a very insightful and open comment.
Well, I’m going through a dark night of the soul, began at age 19, 2009, first with a great darkness for a year, there were traumas and much of the past. It is an broken all expectations of what was gonna be the awakening. now it’s not like a plan it should be much better than that. Today I am lighter, but still I am in a “vacuum” is not may return backwards, after losing all connection with issues outside with friends, passions, and many things I loved otrs.
But this is still not over, and it is almost for my spirit is fully embodied in the earth, and then my rebirth:).
namaste.
i entered into the dark night 6 months ago, and now cracks of light are coming through – with FORCE! before that i had a big kundalini activation – so after the HIGH there came the LOW! i began being obsessed with UNDERSTAND, ANALYZING the DARK NIGHT PROBLEM. this led to hysteria, depression and bad things in general. then i stopped all this frantic problem-solving activity. No solution when there is no problem, I now think! So now I just am (just being, am-ing still is difficult for the mind! it still says: well there is silence/absence, but your old identity/problems still exist, dont you think???? still the mind overwhelms me at times, but at other times I plain laugh at it! and i suddenly burst laughing at what other people tell me about their mind stuff. I feel very much a social outcaste because i felt like i aquired “secret teaching”, but now I feel more and more content again “to play the superficial society game, but supported with inner knowing”. thank you for your honest and helpful writings. strange that in these days one finds more solace in internet groups/discussions than in real life…
Thank you for showing me that I’m not alone in my dark night of the soul. What’s unique about my experience is that I’ve been there all of my 53 years. It’s all been struggle,confusion,frustration and pain. It has lead me to psychics, therapists, books and trying to wrap myself around concepts like the law of attraction etc. It’s amazing that I haven’t committed suicide. My life feels like I have a curse. It feels as if I’m a hostage, given some creature comforts and otherwise emotionally tortured. I have been deprived of alot of the basic pleasures most people enjoy. Whatever pleasures i have are dampened by depression. I’ve been given desire but not the power to manifest it. What torture. I feel that everyone is stronger than me. I feel powerless. I’ve read your other articles and i especially like your concept of acceptance and surrender. I have no other options. Thank you for your understanding and sharing your wisdom.
David,
Thanks for the open sharing, and giving expression to something that many people feel but are not able articulate. We have a lot of trouble facing ourselves. But that’s what awakening is: honest internal observation which eventually leads to resting at the source of who we really are.
What you feel, many people feel. We feel we are alone in our misery. Tolstoy started Anna Karenina with “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” People who recognize their misery think that they are miserable in a unique way, and everyone else is reasonably happy.
But everyone is uneasy. The source of all misery is this basic uneasiness, a basic fear, which comes about from having a mistaken idea of who we really are. Einstein called it an optical illusion of consciousness.
Thanks, David.
The Dark Night of the Soul is a concept that lasts as long as “darkness” to release, then gradually loses meaning dark night as our mind is the natural state of balance. The dark night has been very difficult to accept because it is not easy to leave the control and acceptance into the mind like the fight game and the belief that one should never give up, the end must leave us, Just be a “gap” that the new can enter. At this moment I am more calm and less anxious, I gradually coming to the end of the tunnel with a great ending and a new life. This will not only for me but that is gone and loved the dark night of the soul.
Thank you very much for sharing your experiences.
Thanks, Franco. It is exactly so. It took me some time to understand that full acceptance is the same as release.
Hi K
Nice to know this place exists. Have been travelling this road now for about 11 months & shifted into intense pain about 3 months ago. Spent time with healers & psychlogists until I was able to understand to some extent the process. Am only now starting to see cracks in the veil have entertained suicide on many occassions & have recently entered a place of complete hopelessness. I am amazed how the process takes everything apart bit by bit with a take no prisioners abandon I have already experienced the deconstruction of my childhood, relationships & it’s now ripping through my career. No stone left unturned. I’d love to think I’ll make it out of this physically & hopefully I will but lately I’ve given up 2nd guessing anything. Thanks again for this place & creating the opportunity to vent
Love Tony
Hi,
I suspect I experienced my own “dark night if the soul” last night.
It culminated in a “burst” of awareness, initially accompanied by a feeling of intense loneliness and desperation, which revealed a
a clear and un-fogged perspective that mind and emotions are simply filters in which to experience life through. To be watched and experienced without judgment.
Cool!
hello Kaushik,
i would like to share a short story with you. I am not going through dark night (however i did go through it years ago on my own spiritual journey so i understand it and the intensity etc.) My wonderful relationship recently ended due to my partner going through extreme spiritual depression and believed to be entering dark night of the soul for the second time. This was a painful breakup for both of us as we dont understand why our relationship and connection had to end due to divine guidance or divine will. I would like to know if anyone else has experienced their marriage or long term relationship falling apart and ending suddenly due to a partner suffering through dark night or spiritual depression and if there was any positive outcome after the dark night was over..
Hi ebony
I am going through a reassessment of my relationship(s) at the moment bought on by the DNOTS process. All the egoic reasons for being with my partner were shead during the process along with everything else.
I am in a state of uncertainty as everything has changed and that implies some further changes to be made and quite frankly from where I stand at the moment I don’t think I’ve got it in me to make a decision even about sandwich spreads let alone relationships or career.
So yes this awakening does usher in change and relationships are the first against the wall. The awakening process doesn’t discern is just simply does.
When I start drowning (no need to explain what I mean here, right?;)
I usually close my eyes and be no-where (means, no special place, somehow just like in a greyish cloud.)
I (“I” is in itselfe not defined or has any demand of being defined because it just doesn’t matter….it’s purest essence put in some kind of shape…that can change or not, again doesn’t matter) and I kneel down on a simple wooden prayer kneeler. In front of me is god / the one/ the creator / allah what you want to call him, sometimes he is noticeable and sometime he seems not even to exist….all that doesn’t matter! I kneel there and have NO kind of demand…..with all my terror, pain, fear whatever I might feel…..I just kneel down there and BE! I’m not asking for easement, I’m not expecting to feel better, I’m not even praying. All I do is I completly surrender to HIM without having any expactation of response or action. I’m no longer his servant (with all mind heart and soul) but transform to THE SERVING itself.
At least that’s what I do in times of greates darkness.
That’s good–it works for you and that’s wonderful.
When we have the first insight that we are not who we think we are, even if the insight is vague, I think it’s pretty common to go through a period of despondency. It’s just hard to accept life the way it is after the insight. Things don’t make sense, life doesn’t make sense, we can no longer pretend, we are perplexed as to how it is that everyone else around us can go on pretending.
During this time, just allowing and watching and releasing helped. It helped, but it wasn’t a magical cure.
Now, after four or five years of “practicing” awareness and releasing and exploring awakening, I’ve come around to the thing that made complete intuitive sense from the beginning, but which I cleverly avoided by other distractions. And that is, just looking at myself, looking inside-backwards, at the sense of “I am.”
It sounds familiar to me. Here, there was first a nondual awakening (reality awakening to itself), then unity (all as God/Spirit with the appearance of an I), then a dark night where “all” seemed lost, “everything” went wrong in life etc. What’s surfacing now is a more honest/real recognition that reality can notice itself independent of any states and experiences.
That sounds about right.
This was so inspiring. It lightened up the dark night that lasted so many months and was very different from a depression I would have had in my previous life. Thank you!
Glad to hear it, Jeannie. Thanks, and please keep in touch.
k
I had my little awakening phase magic, flow, ecstasy and light even dark waves and yin yang!! It was beautiful so many experiences for years like seeing god and now that it is all gone and I am left with something like a mental illness and depression I do not know what to do.
I have 1 question and it is about the dark side. I’ve seen a dark face or demon face that is not necessarily evil but it brings dark energy and I’ve also experienced dark energy does anyone have anymore to say on this?
Also when I saw this demon face or dark entity the words “dont fight it” or chaos” or “dark side” started coming into my mind. Please post an answer someone and thank happy to be here with a lot of like minded individuals.
It’s the “awakening phase magic” as you so appropriately put it which had me trapped for five years. Yes, it can be beautiful and it can be futile and it can be depressing…and then the realization hit that these are all just mental states. Just mental processes, just what happens to be the case right now.
It was a huge relief when I gave up chasing.
Now it’s just the recognition that what binds every one of us is fear.
k
Wow, what an amazing site. I knew what I was feeling years ago and knew it was an awakening but through these past fast few years I have found nothing even remotely close to as exactly what ive been living for the past few years. This awakening hapended with me after my second trip through rehab to deal with my addictions which I fell to in an effort to numb the pain and sorrow experienced throughout my life, thats another story but obviously kept me from seeing life clearly or being awakened to the world. I too went through an ecstacy of life and amazement at being able to see life on a differnt spiritual level but like you this slowly evaporated. I knew it wasnt depression as I had known it before but exactly what you have described. I wish I could provide some answers to all these questions or a direction to follow to find them but I am still lost and looking for the right path. I just wanted to thank you for making me feel a small sense of connection with the rest of the world again. Amazing and powerful stuff here!
I would be able to go back into the states but im very unhealthy. About the magic it was real magic threw my created perceptions I even saw the future and god as the light. Patrick practice meditation everyday for at least 30 minutes in one sitting. Try sitting once or twice or even three times a day and you will most definitely go into these states again.
Thanks, Patrick, and thanks for your openness.
I’ve come to see that feeling lost and looking for the right path, is in itself part of the disease of fear. And paradoxically, that’s the way it typically goes.
I hope to see here again.
k
Great article! Really timely for me: I’ve been cruising the internet with insomnia owing to the feelings of utter longing you describe, and strangely also feelings for an ex that have returned: I heard there was a link between kundalini spiritual energy and unrequited love, and I must say my ex coming back into my head was very much as you indicated – not to be expected. The spiritual depression – I concur with this and I might add also that I think it is coextensive with blood pressure and blood volume changes: so I think it might be physiological as well as psychological and emotional. The familiarity of the feelings you go through here is so reassuring for me and has really raised my seratonine levels on this raining Friday from Hell – so thank-u! Aaron
Thanks for the open comment, Aaron. Glad to see you here–I hope to see you again!
k
kaushik,
just want to say thanks for this great article. I have for months been in a funk. no typical funk either. triggered by an intensely embarrassing moment at work combined by the failure of a project. I was volitile for weeks. anger and com
Hey Jon,
Yes, life happens…anger, fear, and the rest. Try the release technique here, and also try the looking at the sense of I AM (check out John Sherman for that).
k
sorry… phone glitch.
…compassion and anger came on alternate days, fear and joy by the hour, other intense emotions by the minute. recently it’s settled down to this dullness. nothing in life is joyful. after reading dark night of the soul and other articles on your page. it’s nice to know I’m not alone. releasing is useful. thanks for writing and keep it up.
You’re definitely not alone, but that feeling that “I am not at ease with myself but everyone else seems to be…”–that feeling is very common and I believed it too for many years.